A fresh perspective

I just read the book "Loving the Little Years-Motherhood in the Trenches" by Rachel Jankovic, thanks to my friend Heather's recommendation. This paragraph on the very last page particularly stuck out to me.

"Motherhood is hard work. It is repetitive and often times menial. Accept it. Rejoice in it. This is your toil. Right here. Those are their faces. Enjoy them. The days of your life are supposed to be full of things like this. But joy is not giddy. It is not an emotional rush- it it what happens when you accept your lot and rejoice in your toil. So rejoice in your children. Look them in the eyes and give thanks."

These words really encouraged me, as my days often feel menial at this point in my life. I'm finding life with a toddler to be challenging in a completely different way than life with a baby. The good moments are so so fulfilling, but sometimes the daily grind can feel so exhausting and discouraging. These past couple months are also the first months of motherhood where I've had any kind of normalcy. I'm so thankful that we now have a routine, that Sam is home every night and that we are not constantly packing up and leaving. With less stress though has also come less excitement for this stay at home mom. Days here look more the same and I have less "interesting" things to look forward to.

I've found myself struggling to figure out what contentment looks like at this point, as well as feeling guilty when I don't love being at home every minute of every day. I love what the book says about joy not being giddy. I don't have to feel excited about my life every second of the day to still find joy in it. I also love what she said about looking into your child's eyes. After reading this book, I found myself looking at Joel with a fresh perspective..looking into those big blue eyes and seeing a precious little person with feelings, ideas, and a personality. That seems so obvious, but sometimes those things get lost in the process of cleaning up, planning meals, agonizing about discipline and sleep. I forget to enjoy my child. I forget to revel in the moments where he is babbling very enthusiastically about something that is very important to him. To genuinely laugh as I watch him do silly things. To treasure each moment that I get to watch him play, that I get to learn about him and see who he is becoming.





I think these things are so undervalued in our culture. If we are not accomplishing something measurable and attaining goals that directly benefit us, then we are missing out on joy and fulfillment in this life. I have far too often believed this lie. I loved the reminder of this book that spending my life giving to my family is a joyful calling. I have been given a great privilege and gift to spend my days entering into the world of a 1 year old and providing a safe and secure home for him to grow up in. I'm thankful for reminders to stop feeling sorry for myself and enjoy the life that God has given me.

Joel's 1st birthday

I still can't really believe that my baby is one! He was just a little baby.




It's a little scary to think about how quickly he's going to grow up. I'm trying to cherish every moment that he's little and wants to be with me. He loves to hold my hand and walk around. (This is my attempt at taking a picture of him, without letting go of his hand.)



Lately, if I leave him in his play room to clean up the kitchen or something, he'll come find me and take me by the hand, back into the play room. It is so sweet. It makes it difficult to get things done sometimes, but I try to remember that before I know it, he will not exactly be going out of his way to be with me.

I am loving this age. It definitely has it's challenges, and sometimes I feel really nostalgic for the early days when I just got to cuddle him all the time, but overall, I am loving how interactive he is, and how much he's learning. I love watching his little personality develop.

Last year this time, I was frantically trying to nurse him, preparing for Sam to head back to Maine and crying a lot. Actually, it was last year today that Sam left and it was one of the hardest days of my life. Watching Sam say goodbye to his 5 day old son was absolutely heart breaking. Then Joel proceeded to cry for most of the night after Sam left. And things pretty much just went downhill from there for the next few weeks, before they got better. Anyway, I'm glad it's this year and not last year, even though it's a little sad to watch Joel grow up.

I wanted to share a few pictures from Joel's birthday. We didn't have a party, because we don't exactly have an abundance of friends here yet, but the day ended up being really fun anyway. We enjoyed our time as a family and we'll get to celebrate again this weekend when my family comes into town.

He started the day with his favorite, favorite food- blueberries!


Of course we had to include Chick fil a in our special day..


We played in his baby pool..


I tried all day to get a good picture of him...


Getting ready to give him his cake!




He liked the icing..


But not so much the cake.


I am so thankful, because I really thought I was going to feel sad on his birthday, missing friends and family, but I really enjoyed the day. I stayed up late decorating the night before and Joel walked around for half an hour the next morning, squealing and pointing at the decorations..such a joyful day and I'm so thankful that Sam could be there to celebrate with us!

And check out my post from yesterday about my recent revelation.

You'd think I'd know this by now..

I had a revelation this week. This should be obvious, but so often it isn't. I act more like Jesus when I spend more time with Him. I know that's shocking.

This move has been a hard transition for me. Connections with other moms haven't happened as quickly or obviously as I was hoping and I've had a bad attitude about it. I've been discouraged that my attitude wasn't more in line with where I knew it should be and I didn't know how to change it. I've placed unrealistic expectations on Sam, expecting him to fill a place in my soul that he can never fill. A friend gave me the link to this blog and after reading it, I'd been contemplating the idea of getting up early to spend time reading the Bible and praying. On Sunday morning, Joel woke up at 4am and took a little while to fall back asleep, so I decided that since I was already up, I would read and pray for a while.

I've only been doing this for 3 days now and it has been amazing. I feel like I've been depriving my soul and it is drinking in God's word and quiet time in His presence. And as a result of that sweet time with Jesus, who is the only perfect friend I will ever have, I have felt less lonely and sorry for myself and been able to appreciate the blessings I do have here. I'm praying and if you are willing you can pray along with me, that I will remember how wonderful and necessary it is to set aside more than a few minutes to read and pray, if I want to see change in my life and feel satisfied.

Life is Messy

And he told his disciples to have a boat ready for him because of the crowd, lest they crush him, for he had healed many, so that all who had diseases pressed around him to touch him. Mark 3:9-10

I've been thinking about messes a lot lately. Having an almost 1 year old around makes it easy to see that life tends towards chaos and disorder. Joel has recently discovered the cabinets in the kitchen. He loves to take all the Tupperware containers out and throw them all over the floor. He loves to take books off of shelves, toys out of bins, clothes out of the laundry basket..you name it, he loves to throw it everywhere. While I clean up one thing, he's somewhere else making another mess. Every meal consists of cleaning out his high chair, cleaning up the floor around his highchair and washing dishes. I spend the majority of every day fighting against messes.

When I think about it, I don't just spend my days fighting against chaos and disorder in my home, but also in other areas of my life. I really don't like it when things don't work like they should. I don't like the fact that life can be painful, lonely and hard even in the good times. I want things to work. I can have a really bad attitude in response to this reality. I get nostalgic about the past and how much better things used to be. I ignore relationships that are painful and difficult.

In light of this, I was struck by the image of Jesus being surrounded by people with diseases. I have no desire to have people crowding into me at all, much less people with all kinds of diseases. I picture loud, messy, hot, sweaty people all around me and I want to escape just thinking about it.

I need to love people better. I need to stop whining and complaining in my heart when things get crowded and messy. I know that I fail to do this constantly. So, I'm taking a minute to reflect on Jesus instead of myself. On what He has done, instead of what I need to do. I am that messy, nasty, diseased and sinful person in the crowd. Jesus willingly chose to leave heaven..where everything works just as it should..where he had perfect communion with his Father..where there is no brokenness, injustice or disease to come engage me here on this earth. I know that it's only in reflecting on this truth that I can cope with the constant messiness I see all around me in this world.

Home.

I've been thinking a lot about the concept of "home" lately. What makes something feel like home? How do we achieve that feeling of comfort, security and peace that makes us feel at home? I've been longing for a physical place that represents home for a while. In some ways, nowhere we lived in Norfolk ever really felt like home, because Sam was missing so much of the time and because I came and went a lot too. We moved a few times while we were there, so I didn't have much of an emotional attachment to any physical location in particular. What I did have there was 4 years worth of time, friends and experiences. Are those the things that should lead to a feeling of "home"?

Here in Florida, we have basically a dream house to call home. We were out of town for a few days last week and I was so looking forward to coming home and getting completely settled. We got home on Monday night, and when we got here, the storm track for Hurricane Irene was coming directly toward us. I was feeling so upset that I wasn't able to enjoy that feeling of being home because I was afraid that it was all going to go away. It only takes one hurricane to destroy all the work we've put into this place and the order that I've been so longing for, particularly over this past year. On a similar note, though I love this house and it feels so much more homey than anywhere we've ever lived, because we own it, I am missing the security and comfort of community, that embodies the concept of home to me.

Both of these things are painful reminders that this earth is not our home. We have a home waiting for us in heaven, where I will feel completely and 100 percent fulfilled. This physical location will never provide that for me. A great community of friends and family will never provide that for me. Thankfully, it looks like we're going to be missed by the hurricane this time. Now, I'm keeping an eye on Irene as I think of my friends and family in Maryland and Virginia. Life can feel so chaotic and out of control and I've been trying to turn my eyes toward my Savior and the eternal communion with him that is coming. It sure is hard though. My heart constantly longs to be fulfilled here and now and wants the same for those I love.

And since I'm talking about home..here are a few pictures for those of you who aren't on Facebook.

Backyard


Dining Room


Front View


Joel enjoying his new house


I know I've posted this verse several times before, but I love it and find it so encouraging, so I'm going to share it again.
"Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away."

We made it.

So we’re here in our new home. It’s been a whirlwind of a week! Last week already feels like a different lifetime. God has been so good to us in this entire move. First of all, our movers ended up coming a day early last week (Thursday instead of Friday), which made everything so much smoother. Everything was all moved out by last Thursday night and we were able to take our time cleaning and packing that evening. We ate pizza on the floor and slept on our air mattress in our apartment. Joel woke up bright and early on Friday morning (5am) and so we got an early start to our drive. We stopped for the weekend in Charleston, SC on the way down. I visited a friend there a couple years ago while Sam was underway, and I’ve been wanting to bring him there ever since. The weather was a little less ideal this time…I went in the early spring last time and it was a little cooler than August, but we still had fun. On Sunday, we headed the rest of the way to Florida. The trip was so incredibly smooth. We followed each other the whole way. We never hit any traffic. It rained for maybe 10 minutes off and on the whole trip and Joel did great. He probably fussed for 5 minutes during the whole 14 hours. His sleep has definitely been a little wacky, but he has been such a trooper.

We closed on our house on Monday. Once again, super smooth. It was kind of hard to believe it was that easy. After all the paperwork and stress about if everything would work out, that day was so simple. Coming into our very first house was such an amazing feeling. I still can’t believe that we get to live here. Joel was adorable as he crawled around and squealed in delight at all the ceiling fans. There is one in pretty much every room and he was so excited to see so many of them. We’ve been working really hard cleaning and working on some projects while we wait for our stuff to get here. Sam worked in the yard for a while yesterday and it looks amazing. I’m so proud of him. We also changed out some knobs on our cabinets, and I can’t believe how much of a difference it makes. All these little things are making the house feel more like ours. I’m really anxious to have our stuff though! Our neighbors across the street brought us brownies the other day. So sweet! I always imagined that happening in a neighborhood!

In the midst of my excitement about our house, I have also felt the distance from friends and family at times. Sadness seems to hit at the most random times. I thought I’d be really sad actually driving away from Norfolk, but strangely, I didn’t really feel too much at that point. Since then, I’ve had random times where I felt super sad and lonely and then, thanks to God’s gracious comfort, provision and peace, I feel excited and grateful to be here and be with my husband again. Yesterday morning was one of the times I felt the most sad and God used some little things to cheer me up. I went to the grocery store for the first time (and I was feeling so homesick, I actually missed the commissary…that should tell you something) and found that they have peppermint mocha creamer, which I love love love in my coffee. They never had it at the commissary, or anywhere else I shopped on a regular basis in Virginia, so I’m so excited that I can have consistent access to it (what can I say, I’m easily pleased..) Another strange thing that really lifted my spirits was working in the yard while Joel napped yesterday. I weeded the flower beds in our front yard and there was something really fulfilling about getting my hands dirty and making my yard more beautiful. Yesterday morning I prayed that God would give me strength and comfort and I saw how he totally did throughout the day. I’m sure there will be more sad times, but I feel like I made it over one hump in this transition. I know that so many of you are praying for us and we can totally see the answers to your prayers. Thank you and please keep it up! We have really spotty internet access right now, and no furniture, but we will post pictures soon!

A big change..

It has been way too long since I wrote anything on here. These past couple months have been crazy. We have been traveling a lot and figuring out the details of some big changes. One reason I haven't been blogging is because I've been spending my time between travels unpacking, cleaning and having play dates, but another reason is that I wasn't ready to announce our next step officially quite yet. Sam will be leaving his ship in the next few months and starting a job in Florida this fall.

This decision has been emotional for me over the past couple months. I am so excited for Sam and for the opportunities that this move provides for him. We love the area where we are moving and will be living in our first home there (assuming all goes well). This past weekend we looked at 16 houses in one day and over the next few days made a decision about which house we wanted, put in an offer and got it accepted. We are so excited for Joel to have a backyard, a driveway and a safe neighborhood with sidewalks to grow up in. We are sick of apartment living and can't wait to own our own place. Our yard will have several palm trees in it and a huge screened in patio where we can sit in the evening and enjoy a cool breeze from the ocean. (Want to come visit yet??)

On the other side of things, I have grown pretty attached to our life here and have some dear friends who I'm really going to miss. I know it's going to hurt to say goodbye. It was painful to move away from Blacksburg and we only lived there for 10 months. We have been here for 4 years. I graduated from college here, we had a baby here, we started and ended our time in the Navy here. I think my fellow new mom friends will always be special to me, because we started this journey of motherhood together.

I've been wanting to write about how faithful God has been to us in all of this. We weren't really sure if any of this was going go work out, but God has worked out the details so smoothly. When we went to Florida for Sam to interview in May, we prayed that God would make the decision clear. We felt like the trip could not have gone any smoother. The job was everything we were hoping for and we loved the area. This time, once again, God led us as we tried to make a huge decision in a short amount of time and we have seen his care for us and his provision so clearly.

We'd appreciate your continued prayers as we move forward and as we face difficult goodbyes!

A glimpse of the beauty of Jesus

The Gospel is beautiful. Every once in a while, I really "get" it. So often I am caught up in the business of life, the confusion of how all of these doctrines are supposed to look in my life and I miss Jesus. I treasure these quiet moments where the gospel moves from my head into my heart. This moment started when I was filling out the paperwork for membership at our church. One of the questions was basically, "if you died and sat before God, why should he let you into heaven"? As I answered that question, my heart was filled with gratefulness for the beauty of Jesus and what he has done for me.

I've been attending Women's Bible Study at church this spring and we've been studying Luke. The study is basically over now, so I've been rereading the book in an attempt to cement some of the truths that stuck out to me over these last few months. After working on my membership packet, I came to read about the crucifixion and was once again blown away by the beauty of Jesus.

I'm not even sure how to put into words the vastness of what it means that the God of the universe came down into our lives as a human, in order to sacrifice his life for our sins. I know I'm a sinner. I think that writing posts like my last two, where I'm being vulnerable and acknowledging my sins and struggles in a very public way reminds me of my desperate need for a Savior and for the beauty of having one. I've spent a lot of my life, though believing in Jesus for salvation, struggling against striving to gain God's favor in every day life. I do not handle failure well and I constantly want to pull myself up by my boot straps and try harder next time.

I love the story of Peter in Luke, where he tells Jesus that he would never betray him and Jesus gently and lovingly tells him that in fact, he will. And not just once, but 3 times. Yet God uses Peter in amazing ways to build up his church. Just in the two chapters I just read, the disciples fail Jesus several times. They miss the point over and over again, yet Jesus patiently and gently redirects their thoughts and attitudes towards himself and his kingdom.

I think Satan uses a sad and incredibly powerful tactic in the church, where he tricks us into thinking that we're actually pretty good now that we're Christians and even if we know we aren't, we should still act like we are. I mentioned this on here before, but I am determined to fight against this lie. The only way to truly appreciate and understand the grace that I have been shown is to acknowledge, to myself and to others how much I am in need of grace every minute of every day. I think it cheapens the gospel to put on a "righteous" front and pretend like I don't struggle. Who needs a savior if you have it all together on your own.

I also realized while I was working on my membership packet that I am so much better at communicating what I want to say in writing than in spoken words. So hence, the vast amount of written words on this blog. Thanks for sticking with me, my friends!

Why I don't want to clean my house too much.

First of all, thank you for the sweet and encouraging comments about my last post! I have more where that came from=)

I feel like I'm constantly trying to evaluate my priorities and the way I spend my time. I think about what kind of mom I want to be, what kind of wife, what kind of friend. Having a vision of who I want to be helps me see how things should fit together in the every day.

Sometimes though, I'm not sure how my goals all work together on a daily basis. I know I want to be godly, patient, kind to my husband, engaged and involved in my family. I want my kids to grow up in a home where there is order and cleanliness. I want to be in decent shape, for my own health and also for the sake of my husband. I want to be someone who isn't too busy for deep, real relationships that take time. I want to read the bible, pray and find rest in God consistently. But these things all take time and energy and I struggle to excel at them all.

I'm good at self discipline. As I've mentioned before, I'm a perfectionist, so routines, order and task orientation come naturally to me. The downside of that is that often the "routine" becomes more like an obsession and I tend to lose sight of what's really important. Yes, I can read my bible every day, check it off the list and berate myself if I fail to do it one day. I can exercise multiple times a week, out of fear of feeling fat and the loss of control that accompanies that feeling.

The thing is, I don't want to be that person. I don't want to be the mom who can't stop to play with my kid, because I'm in the middle of something. I don't want to spend this time of my life obsessing about how I look and how much I weigh. I don't want to get frustrated with my kids for making messes and doing normal things that kids do. I don't want to strive to gain God's favor by reading my bible, just so I can check it off the list.

Yet, I want to live a healthy lifestyle, both spiritually and physically. I am daily struggling to figure out how to pursue these goals to become the wife, mother and friend that God wants me to be, not the wife, mother and friend who has it "all together" on the outside.

Please don't stone me...

I have a long list of things that need to get done while Joel naps, but I'm choosing to ignore them for now and write a blog post, because I feel like my soul is craving something more mentally stimulating than dishes! Sometimes I feel like my life is consumed with mundane tasks. As soon as I clean up from one meal, it's time for another. As soon as I fold and put away one load of laundry, it's time to start another. And that doesn't even include bathrooms that need to be cleaned, mail that need to be organized, closets that could use some attention...

Being a mom is a strange thing. When you have a job, no one expects you to love every part of it, but for some reason, I feel like if I ever even let myself feel discontent with any part of motherhood, much less, say it out loud, it means I don't love my child or that I'm a horrible person.

I love reading blogs by other moms, because they make me feel like I'm not alone in some of these feelings. That I'm not the only one who gets drained and tired and grumpy sometimes and who longs for some uninterrupted grown up conversation. Or, some time alone in Barnes and Noble or on the beach with some coffee and a good book.

I am a huge perfectionist. I have a hard time acknowledging my imperfections to myself, much less to other people. I love it when people are authentic and open about the things that are hard in life, and I want to be that person. I don't want to spend my life running myself dry trying to keep up a perfect image. I don't believe we were called to live that way, yet I so often fail to be vulnerable, because I'm afraid of what people will think.

Sometimes I struggle with the way friendships are different now that I have a baby. I love the community and the fellowship that comes with being a mom. I have made so many new friends since having Joel and I'm so grateful for that! I love sharing experiences, getting advice and watching our babies interact. Sometimes though, I really miss being able to get to know someone at a deeper level, apart from the things we share as moms. Yet, at the same time, I'm not sure what I have to offer apart from that. I've been feeling insecure about the fact that I don't have something I'm good at, that makes money and makes me "more than just" a mom.

I'm dying to resolve this post with some great wisdom that makes me look like, despite the things I've shared, I've been there, done that and now I have it all together. I'm resisting that urge, for one thing, because it would make this post super long and no one would probably get to that part anyway, and because I want to be real and vulnerable and human. So this is the end=)

Seriously??

I think that no matter how carefully you choose a name for your child, you will discover things about the name that you wish you'd known before you destined your child to that name forever. We thought Joel was a pretty safe and simple name. I told people his name all through my pregnancy and people always responded with..oh Joel, that's a great name. I figured sharing his name during my pregnancy would eliminate any last minute revelations about something awkward associated with his name. Well, I was wrong.

Strangers talk to us ALL THE TIME when we go out. In the grocery store, in the mall, whether I like it or not, they always want to talk to the baby. And they usually ask what his name is and I say "Joel".

Then they usually respond with, "oh Jewel? What an interesting name..." I can not tell you how many people have thought I said Jewel. Yes, I named my son Jewel. Really?? I was at my doctor the other day and the lab tech specifically said.."not Joel, but Jewel right? I like that." I don't think she still got that his name was in fact Joel. A nice strong, masculine name, or so I thought.

Yesterday, in the commissary I got a new one. I tried really hard to make sure his name didn't sound like two syllables that would resemble anything like Jewel. So she got the one syllable part, but just missed the first letter. "Oh Dole..that's an interesting name." I didn't even correct her. I just tried to politely walk away as she went on and on about how if my baby was hers, she'd be putting his face on a cereal box. Maybe Dole would like to have his face there, but I'm not sure about my son, Joel.

Is Joel really that strange of a name that no one understands it? What is wrong with me that I can't say my son's name in a way that people understand? Has anyone else run into unexpected issues with their child's name??


Does he look like he would be named Jewel? I don't think so.

Rain, rain go away.. or dont.

We are having a chill day around here. Joel is sick and so we're taking advantage of the rainy day to chill out and hang out at home. The rain is pouring down and it's cold. I'm treasuring the time I have to play with my boy and to enjoy a safe, dry and warm place to live.

Most of our day..feeding, breathing treatments, nose suctioning, clean up, do it all again. Good thing I'm an expert at these things after RSV.


Joel is taking advantage of the rain to take several long naps, giving me some time to read.


It brings my heart joy to see books and toys everywhere. Joel is more interested in these things every day and I'm having so much fun playing with him.


Mismatched socks..that's how chill we are today. One fell off in the middle of night and I just left them that way.


His favorite way to play right now is to have the whole box of toys in front of him. Why choose one when you can have them all??

When will I learn?

Today has been a great day. 80 degree weather. A walk with a great friend. A Starbucks Frappucino and a sleeping baby. Life is good. I love spring time. I love driving around and seeing all the trees blooming. I love being able to walk outside and not freeze to death. I can't wait for Joel to wear all his cute summer clothes. I can't wait for my husband to actually live at home for more than a few days at a time.

I always want to ingrain these days in my mind so that when days come that are not so lovely, I can remember that God is good.



I'm also feeling relieved today, because Joel's six month appointment is over. Does anyone else get physically anxious before well check ups or am I just crazy? I know I am a little crazy, but I wonder if anyone else feels this way. I'm always sure they are going to tell me that something is wrong with him (and I hate watching him get shots). Especially a visit like yesterday where I knew I was going to have to tell them that he doesn't roll over. I also always have a list of other things I want to ask about, which when they all pile up in my mind add up to something horrible.

Every time, his doctor says he's doing great and I feel so relieved! She said he's an "above average sized" baby (I bet you couldn't tell that) and sometimes they take longer to learn gross motor skills. He was definitely doing all the other things they asked, which was encouraging. One of the big things that was really stressing me out is that he holds his arms back on his tummy most of the time, instead of pushing up on them. He holds his head way up and he can put his arms in front of him and does when there is a toy he wants, but he generally just fusses and puts his arms back.


(Evidence that he can use his arms when he wants to..)

His doctor put him on his tummy to observe this and said that it's the position a baby who really doesn't want to be on his tummy takes and not to worry about it.

On the way to his appointment I was sure she was going to tell me he has cerebral palsy and then we weren't going to be able to get out of the Navy, because we'd need the health insurance and....yeah, you can laugh at me. And I do this every time, even though, deep down I know he's fine.


(I try anything and everything to try to get him to enjoy his tummy more.)

So that is why I need to remind myself that God is good. He gives us good gifts, just because he's gracious, merciful and unbelievably loving. I don't need to go looking for trouble when it's not there. And I will revel in days like this when that's easy to believe.

And if Joel isn't doing the million things they said he should be doing by his 9 month appointment, I'm sure I'll still be going there with an anxious feeling in my stomach, waiting to hear some bad news..because that's how I am=)

I read this verse a few days ago and I've been waiting for a good post to use it..

Psalm 126: 2-3
Then it was said among the nations,
“The LORD has done great things for them.”
3 The LORD has done great things for us,
and we are filled with joy.

Someone must be getting engaged..

Joel has his six month check up tomorrow. He was supposed to have it on Monday, but his doctor had a death in the family, so it was canceled. When I told Sam this, he said, "someone must be getting engaged".

For us, a doctor's "death of a loved one" and someone getting engaged did go together. I figure after the number of words and the heaviness of my last post, you would probably all appreciate a shorter (that might happen), more picture heavy, more positive post. So obviously, I thought I'd do that by talking about death. I promise this is headed somewhere good...

For a year in college I worked as a receptionist at a doctor's office. It was a small office, so I worked just with one other lady. She was the office manager and had been working with the pediatrician for years and years. She and the doctor and the nurses were all friends and they shared many mutual friends as well. So, when one of their friends passed away, they closed the office for the afternoon so they could all attend the funeral.

Several months later, Sam wanted to take a trip to New York City during Christmas break.


(Our trip to NYC with my family the year before)

We tried to find a day that would work for both of us and it just wasn't coming together. Sam wanted me to take off on a Monday so we could go, but I told him that I couldn't just skip work. I think I'd already missed a day for another reason that week.

On Saturday, I got a voice mail from my boss saying that one of their friends had died and so they were closing the office that Monday. I couldn't believe the timing of that! I was genuinely sad for them, but also just a little excited that I would now be able to go to NYC with my love. I remember running in to tell my mom some version of "God works in mysterious ways" and calling Sam to tell him the news. I also called my boss back to offer my condolences and tell her I was praying for them.

Bright and early Monday morning, Sam and I headed up to NYC. We had lunch together, viewed the World Trade Center site and took a walk to battery park. He had told me he had a surprise for me and his backpack was heavy and huge with some unknown object. We had been talking about getting engaged, so I hoped that's what the surprise was, but I couldn't figure out why he'd have something huge in his backpack. I thought, maybe the surprise is ice skating in Rockefeller Center? (How disappointing would that be.. to think you're getting engaged, when really you're just going ice skating..so I tried not to get my hopes up too much).


(The reason why I thought the surprise might be ice skating. The year before, we'd tried, but it was too crowded.)

When we got to Battery Park, Sam pulled out a blanket. He obviously had a plan for something. Then he pulled out a book he put together for me, which I accidentally opened backwards and saw the page that said "Congratulations", so then I was just a little suspicious. After we read through the book, he got on one knee and asked me to marry him. I of course replied "yes!" right away and then we called our close family and friends.



In the process of telling people about our engagement, I found out that the "death of a friend" was just an excuse for me to be off on that Monday. Apparently, Sam had called my boss a few days earlier and asked her to find a reason for me to be off on Monday. I guess she figured it would be believable that the office was closed for a funeral, since it had happened before and I totally believed her, so I guess it worked!

And the large object in the bag was a 40 pound rock that Sam picked up from the park we went to on our first date.


He carved our names and the bible reference 1 Samuel 7:12, which says, "Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer, saying, “Thus far the LORD has helped us.”




So now you know why we connect doctor's, death and people getting engaged.

It's hard to understand...

It's been a week of heavy news. Even before hearing of the earthquake and tsunami, I was feeling very burdened for several friends who are facing some tough stuff.

I struggle with the fact that good things happen to some people and hard things to others. When I'm going through a hard time, I wonder why other people get to have it easier. When it's other people who are suffering, and my life is great, I feel sad, guilty and honestly a little angry on their behalf that they have to suffer and I don't.

In addition to hurting for those who are suffering, I also wonder,

When are things going to get worse for me?

When am I going to experience some big tragedy or hardship, above and beyond the normal struggles of life?

I look around this world and see so much suffering, pain, strife and brokenness and it's overwhelming sometimes. I wonder why God doesn't make things better, easier, more "fair". I know all the "right" answers to these questions, but I still struggle with a longing for life in this world to be exactly how I want it to be, for myself and for those around me.

These thoughts have been swirling around in my head for the past few days and I haven't been able to effectively get them out. I didn't want to write a downer post where I just complain about life and question God. I felt like there needed to be some hope at the end of this rant, but I wasn't feeling like I could produce it.

While taking a shower this morning, I was thinking about the song I often sing to Joel- "He's got the Whole World in his Hands". I sing this song to him with the names of our relatives in each verse. Though it's a childrens song, it's actually quite profound and it was exactly what I needed to be reminded of today.

God has the whole world in His hands. No matter how out of control, broken and messy it seems, he's got it under control. He knows better than I do and he has a plan that's much bigger than what I can see or understand. I have to cling to this truth in the face of so many things that just don't make sense.

On this beautiful, sunny day, I've also been thinking about how many everyday things God gives us that are so good, even in the midst of tragedy.

He gives us sunshine that warms the earth. He gives us beauty in nature and the ability to appreciate it. He gives us the ability to love and be loved. He gives us his Word, that reminds us of his goodness, his sovereignty and his plan for our lives. He gives us the promise that this is not the end- that someday He will return and make all this right.

He will fix all the brokenness.

He will wipe away our tears.

Death and suffering will be no more.

We will no longer ache with loneliness when someone we love is far away, either through physical separation or death.

We will no longer live in fear of tragedy and loss.

This is God's promise to us and it WILL come to pass. This future is as real as the footage coming from Japan, sickness and separation, infertility and car accidents. I still struggle as I look around and see the pain that so many people are facing right now, but I feel a spark of hope in my heart as I cling to God's promises to us.

If you've hung on through this long and heavy post, thank you! I'm going to leave you with a couple of my absolute favorite verses in the Bible.

Revelation 21:3-4
"Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning nor crying nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away."

Revelation 22:3-5
No longer will there be anything accursed, but the throne of God and of the Lamb will be in it, and his servants will worship him. They will see his face and his name will be on their foreheads. And night will be no more. They will need no light of lamp or sun, for the Lord God will be their light, and they will reign forever and ever."

6 months old

My baby will be 6 months old tomorrow. I can't believe it. How is that possible? It's crazy and a little scary to think that he will be a year old in the same amount of time it's been since he was born. And every month seems to go by faster than the last, so I'm feeling mildly sad and panicked about how soon he won't even be my little baby anymore. I seriously have wanted to cry (from joy and nostalgia) as I watch him learn new things every day. Yesterday, I was reading to him and he was sitting up, supported by a pillow and he leaned forward, while keeping himself upright to grab the book I was reading him. I was like, "who are you??!! and where is my little baby??"

He's been moving himself around like crazy. He doesn't roll over, but he can get himself pretty far, considering.



He started out facing a different direction in the middle of his play mat.


Something about this position just doesn't look safe.

He is so engaged in his surroundings and the people nearby. He's constantly squealing, cooing, babbling, blowing raspberries, laughing and smiling. He is so fun to have around and I'm really not sad that he's learned all these things in the last 6 months.

I have no desire to go back to the newborn days, because this is a ton more fun. I just know that he's going to keep growing so fast and there's nothing I can do to stop it! I feel like the months of him sitting still at all are coming to an end, so I try to treasure every moment where he's cuddly. He's so interested in his environment that I'm quite confident he will be into everything when he learns how to really move.

He has been sleeping amazingly the past few days too! We finally found our magic sleep trick. I gave him a blanket that a sweet lady from our church in MD made him and since the day I gave him that, he hasn't cried once while falling asleep. It's amazing. I've tried giving him other blankets and it didn't make a difference, but for some reason, he loves this one. I rock him for a few minutes, sing a song, then put him down with the blanket and he goes right to sleep, with a few grunts at most.


I am so thankful to have found something that works! He's been sleeping for 12 hours the past few nights and taking a 1.5-2 hour nap, plus two 45 minute naps. This blanket has seriously changed our lives.

I'm so so thankful for my precious baby boy. I feel unbelievably blessed and undeserving of this amazing gift. I can't wait to see how much he grows and changes in these next 6 months!

Something I love

If you don't own the Jesus Storybook Bible you have to get it. Whether you have kids or not. It is absolutely amazing. I pretty much tear up every time I read something out of it. It's that profound. This bible presents the Gospel in every story. The stories are well written. The illustrations are beautiful. I love this bible.



I want to share a few lines from it that are especially wonderful. This one is in the story about Creation. (And they are much more powerful in the context of the rest of the story, but I guess you'll just have to read it yourself to see that.)

"But all the stars and the mountains and oceans and galaxies and everything were nothing compared to how much God loved his children. He would move heaven and earth to be near them. Always. Whatever happened, whatever it cost him, he would always love them."

This one comes in the story about Noah and the flood.

"God's strong anger against hate and sadness and death would come down once more- but not on his people, or his world. No, God's war bow was not pointing down at his people. It was pointing up, into the heart of Heaven."

I think this bible focuses exactly on what we should be teaching our children. I feel like so many bible stories for kids focus on all the "great" things the famous characters of the Bible did, with a moral of, "so go out and be like Noah, or David, or Abraham".

The problem with teaching kids to be like these bible characters is that these guys had issues. Noah ended up drunk and naked in front of his son. Abraham lied to a ruler, saying that his wife was his sister. Twice. David, well, he stole another man's wife and had her husband purposely killed on the front lines of the battlefield. Yeah, these were quality guys.

These guys desperately needed a Savior, just like we do. I believe that's what God wanted us to learn from their stories, which is why I love, love, love the way this bible focuses so much on that truth. I love to think that from his first memory of reading bible stories together, Joel will be learning about God's grace and mercy in sending Jesus to die for our sins.

His mom can sure use the reminder as well.

A great week

Thanks to everyone who offered support and advice after my sleep post! I really appreciate you sharing your experiences and thoughts. I've been working on being more consistent about how I put Joel down for naps and trying suggestions that you all offered and so far it's working great!

We have had such a fun week here with Sam home. He has put Joel to bed every night and it's so nice to have a little break in the evening. I love watching my husband love on his son. He makes Joel laugh so much and I love the look on Joel's face as he looks back and forth between Sam and I. He knows that all is well when he has two parents again.



The weather was beautiful on Wednesday, so after Sam got off of work, we headed over to get Mexican food for dinner and then walked around and got gelato for dessert. It was so wonderful to have time to talk and just be together. I think we communicate pretty well over email, but it's just not the same as being together.

And in other news, Joel went to nursery for the first time this week at bible study. It was getting way too hard to keep him with me. He was too loud and I ended up standing in the back during the talk every week, and he's too heavy for that now! He did great in nursery. I figured he would enjoy it, because he loves babies and people and getting attention. They said he smiled and laughed the whole time. It was a win-win for us both. I loved having a little time to fellowship with other women and study God's word uninterrupted and Joel had a great time socializing. I'm so thankful it went so well.

We may have some sleep issues, but overall Joel is such an easy baby and we are so blessed. He is so flexible and happy and has been such a trooper through all the craziness he's been through. His sweet personality really is a gift from God and I look forward to seeing it develop more as he grows up.

So, aside from some screaming and discouragement during nap time, it's been a pretty good week.

Sleep troubles..

We have nap time issues here. Sometimes Joel will go to sleep on his own wonderfully. I know he can do it. Sometimes I lay him down, a few minutes later he is sleeping peacefully and I pat myself on the back for being such an awesome mom.

Then there are days like yesterday and this moment, where I put him down, he screams, I go back in, pat his belly, he screams, I eventually give in and pick him up, and he eventually goes to sleep. Then I feel like a horrible mom. I feel guilty because I let him cry. And I feel even more guilty because I picked him up, so after all that he didn't even fall asleep on his own.

I have been horrible about being consistent with this, because I hate hearing him cry, but he's too old to be held all through his naps. He's also old enough now that sometimes when I pick him up, he just wakes up more and wants to play and then we've spent all that time trying to get him to sleep and he's more awake.

So, I'm feeling discouraged and unsure of what to do. I've read books, I've tried giving him a lovey, I've tried blackout curtains, sound machine, swaddling, unswaddling, music, silence, mobile, feeding right before, and sometimes these things work great, and the next time not at all. I'd love some advice from you all.

It's not fair to Joel to keep changing our routine and I'm a tearful, grumpy mess by the end of these days. I'm ok with some crying (his, not mine=), but I usually pick him up when the all out, sounds like I'm torturing him and ruining his life screaming starts.

I'm just going to throw out my questions and if you happen to have some helpful tips, I'd appreciate it! If you don't want to comment on here, feel free to send me a message or email or something.

How do you handle the paci? Sometimes, like today, I think he was starting to fall asleep, but then I peeked in to make sure he had his paci (because he was fussing a little) and then when I left, he was screaming. I know it takes him longer to fall asleep without it, but it's also counterproductive to peek in and get him upset all over again.

Has anyone found a way that doesn't involve screaming or do you swear by the 'cry it out' method? How long did it take to establish a good sleep routine? How do you handle interruptions, such as bible study, church, time with friends, errands and other things that are a necessary part of life? Did your baby love the lovey right away, or did it take some time for them to get attached?

Basically, I need to pick a plan and stick with it, but I'd love to hear how other people have dealt with this issue. Thanks!

I choose ice cream.

We were driving home yesterday and I heard this on the Christian radio station, "kids don't always like what's good for them..they pick ice cream over broccoli.."

Sometimes I still can't believe I'm a mom. I still choose ice cream over broccoli. Seriously. I'm a horrible example of eating healthy foods. I love sugar and I'm not a huge fan of any vegetables. I feel like there are so many things about life that I still don't have figured out and it's a little scary that I'm now responsible to guide another person through it.

When I was a kid, I thought that when I became a mom, I'd magically become perfect as well. It's strange to be at this point and see that I am still far from perfect. I think that having a child is a huge example of God's grace to us. He gives us this precious blessing, even though we have done nothing to deserve it. He knows I'm going to say things to Joel that I regret. He knows that I'm going to make mistakes and cause Joel pain. He knows that I'm not going to be the perfect wife, even when Joel is old enough to notice.

Sometimes I feel afraid when I think ahead to the future and realize that I'm not going to be the parent I want to be. I wonder if I'm going to totally mess up my child. Then I remember that God reaches out to us in the midst of our sin and failure, not after we have it all figured out. His grace is big enough to cover all my mistakes. His grace is also big enough to reach into Joel's heart, even at the times when I fail to point him to Jesus.

I have to constantly remind myself that I'm not self sufficient. I wouldn't need Jesus if I had everything figured out on my own. The beauty of Christianity is that Jesus saw my sins..all of them..sins I've already committed and sins I have yet to commit and He still chose to sacrifice his life to pay the consequences for them. I hope and pray that I can point Joel to this truth again and again and again as go through this life together.

A hope and a future part 2

So here is the continuation of my post from yesterday...

Many people encouraged me to get my masters degree and I was very seriously planning to do that until right before I graduated. I felt sick every time I thought about it. I had absolutely no desire to do more school, or to even be a teacher by that point. I really wanted to have a baby. But it seemed like the wise thing to do and we wanted to be wise.

We took a trip to Hawaii before Sam deployed that summer and while we were there we decided that I was not going to get a masters degree simply because it was the safe thing to do.



We decided that we would wait to find out about Sam's next ship and if by some miracle, he wasn't going to deploy, we would try for a baby. A few weeks later we got the news that he was going to a pre-commissioned ship that would not deploy while he was on it. God had clearly answered our prayer for direction.

9 months after Sam got home from deployment we were blessed with our sweet baby boy.


What a precious answer to our prayers. Every day I am thankful that we decided to follow where we believed God was leading us, rather than following the cultural norm (even in Christian culture!). I have not regretted for one second that I'm not a student working on my masters. I love that I don't have more college debt to pay off and that I can stay home without feeling like I have an expensive degree that I should be using. Though it has it's difficult and unglamorous moments, I really am living my dream.

Do these decisions make getting out of the Navy much more scary? Absolutely. Does our faith in God mean that Sam is sitting around doing nothing and waiting for God to drop a job in his lap? No. I am so proud and thankful for how hard Sam is working on figuring out what he's going to do next. He takes his responsibility to provide for our family very seriously and I do not take that for granted.

Sam is planning to submit an important application in the next month or so, and I've been feeling physically anxious just thinking about what the outcome will mean for our family and our life. I will be clinging to these verses in Psalms. Whether God chooses to work things out the way we want or not, He has not changed, so I can rest assured that he will take care of us one way or another.

A hope and a future

I should really be going to bed, because my son doesn't believe in sleeping in on Saturdays, but I had to share these beautiful verses I just read (and of course, my thoughts about them).

Psalm 77
7 “Will the Lord reject forever?
Will he never show his favor again?
8 Has his unfailing love vanished forever?
Has his promise failed for all time?
9 Has God forgotten to be merciful?
Has he in anger withheld his compassion?”

10 Then I thought, “To this I will appeal:
the years when the Most High stretched out his right hand.
11 I will remember the deeds of the LORD;
yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
12 I will consider all your works
and meditate on all your mighty deeds.”

These verses speak perfectly to where we are in life right now. We are facing a huge transition in the next several months as Sam gets out of the Navy and finds a job in the civilian world. We are incredibly excited about this change, but also quite terrified (at least I am!). For the last three and a half years we have known that we had a pay check coming every month. We have had great health insurance and have never had to worry about making ends meet. I know it seems crazy to some people that we are choosing to walk away from this. Maybe we are crazy. But maybe we want to live a life free of deployments, duty days and underway times.



Maybe we believe that we have a big God who can provide for us. But this doesn't mean we don't wonder sometimes if we're making the right decision and if we will regret it later. When things don't work out the way we'd like, it's easy to wonder if God has abandoned us. Sometimes it feels like God has changed or withdrawn his love. I love the reminder in these verses that this is absolutely not the case and that He is just as present during the hard times as he is during the great times.

One thing I love about my husband is his ability to make decisions that require us to step out in faith. If we live safely, we lose out on the chance to watch God work in practical and miraculous ways. I cling to these experiences as we look ahead to an uncertain and scary future.

We got married at age 20.


We had no money, no degrees, and obviously we were young. God provided in amazing ways that year. We never lacked for anything. God provided a job for me as a special education aide while Sam finished his last year of school. I loved that job. I loved those kids. I loved my co-workers. My job that year enriched my life greatly and offered me precious opportunities to love on needy kids as well as to gain practical experience in the area of my degree. I am so thankful we had that year to spend every night together, to order 5 dollar pizza on Monday nights, to watch movies, take hikes, play frisbee golf, enjoy snow days and build sweet friendships.





Two years later, I graduated from college, just one year behind where I would have been. God managed to take care of all the needs that had seemed like roadblocks just months before. Sam and I have been able to watch each other grow so much over these past 4 and half years. I wouldn't want to have done it any other way.

Stay tuned for Part 2 tomorrow...

Lies I've believed.

I took a child welfare class in college and it changed me. It angered me. It confused me. It caused me to question things I'd always believed.

I was required to memorize lists of reasons why children are better off if their mom works and puts them in day care- less chance of sexual abuse, less chance of the mother and children being plunged into poverty if things don't work out with the dad, more satisfaction for the mother, higher educational achievement for the children.

I had to memorize lists of the consequences related to spanking- increased chance of violence and incarceration, increased chance of physical abuse, increased chance of teen pregnancy and substance abuse.

I saw pictures and heard stories of grotesque things that are done to children in the US and abroad.

My professor ranted and raved about the injustices toward women in our society and the dangers of being dependent on a man.

She specifically bashed Dr. Dobson and Focus on the Family as well as Christians in general.

It's taken me two years to sort through the lies I was taught in that class. I know better than to believe many of those things, yet they still got to me. Sometimes I actually feel guilty for not putting Joel in daycare...like I'm depriving him of social stimulation and educational experiences, not to mention the financial benefits of two incomes.

It's scary to me how convincing lies can be. Lies are easy to believe because they cater to our natural tendencies. It's easy for me to believe that I have rights as a woman and that I can and should demand respect from my husband. It's easy for me to embrace reasons to avoid spanking my child because I know it will feel uncomfortable and unpleasant. It's easy to associate what feels good with what's right. That's natural.

In the face of these lies, I have to constantly remind myself of the Truth. I am called to live differently than the world around me. I am called to step out in faith and make decisions that might seem scary or uncomfortable, rather than seeking comfort and ease. I am called to sacrifice my wants, needs and desires for the good of those around me.

Phillipans 2: 5-8

5 In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:

6 Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;
7 rather, he made himself nothing
by taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
8 And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
by becoming obedient to death—
even death on a cross!

Love is in the air

It seems appropriate on this day of love to talk about Joel's interest in women. He is quite the ladies' man. At least he thinks he's pretty charming.


If you have a girlfriend, you'd better watch out, because he may try to steal her. He has no problem going after older women. This weekend we were at a restaurant with my family and my brother's girlfriend, and Joel spent the evening trying to charm her and get her attention. He sure doesn't look at my brother the way he looked at her.


His obvious affection for the opposite sex started one night at bible study when he suddenly became very aware of his first love "A". She wasn't too interested in him, but he squealed and giggled and smiled and tried his hardest to get her attention.

This happened again on a play date with not just one girl, but two. He used his fall back trick of squealing and giggling to try to get "L"s attention, while attempting to hold (and eat) "A"s hand. He was very comfortable lying on their pink blanket between both girls.

And today he didn't want to leave out our Valentines buddy Lindsay. He wanted to make sure she felt loved even though her Valentine is away on his ship. (You can see the video on facebook, since after many futile attempts I can't get it to upload on here).

Even despite his many loves, Joel made time to still be my Valentine today.

"Leisure" time

I was reading this blog post the other day about how the way you spend your leisure time should reflect your priorities. Leisure time in and of itself is kind of a fuzzy area in life right now, because it's not necessarily clearly defined. I used to always hold Joel while he slept during the day, because he would sleep much longer. Now he sleeps great in his crib for about 45 minutes, but often won't go back to sleep unless I hold him (which is another post in itself), so whatever I was doing is suddenly interrupted and I find myself with what could be considered "leisure time", yet I'm not exactly able to use it however I want.

I was convicted by the blog post above because I feel like the way I use that time often is not in line with what my priorities are. One reason I made this blog public again is so that I'd be more motivated to use that time and other "down" time I have to blog instead of just aimlessly looking on the internet. The Frugal Girl, whose blog I'm referring to, talked about choosing leisure activities that make you feel refreshed.

Though checking Facebook 50 times takes less energy than writing a blog post, I feel less refreshed after doing that and I feel like I wasted my time. Sam and I joke about what is so enthralling about Facebook that we feel the need to check it all the time. Not that much really changes within a few minutes. But you never know. If I don't check, something amazing could be happening and I might be missing it.

For the first few months of Joel's life I felt like I was just surviving. We were traveling a lot and Joel had no schedule. Now his schedule is getting a little more consistent and he doesn't need me quite as much. I feel like I'm entering into a new phase and I want to make sure I'm using the time I have in meaningful ways.

I can't stand to have projects or tasks unfinished. I have a hard time starting something, then being interrupted and not being stressed out until it's finished. I'm not a great multi-tasker. I like to put all my attention and energy into one thing. I wish I was better at going from one thing to another, but I'm not. I have used that character trait to justify wasting time when I know I'm going to be interrupted, because I don't want to be feeling distracted while taking care of Joel. I've been thinking though that it would be better to be distracted by doing something productive or at least edifying than to be distracted because I want to finish the TV show I was watching or check Facebook 10 more times. I think it's fine to watch TV and check Facebook, but I know I've been spending too much time doing those things and then I feel drained instead of refreshed after my "leisure time".

I feel like so many people have so many skills that I don't have and I wonder how they find the time to do those things. I know I'm never going to be super crafty and creative because I have way too much OCD, but I can use my time to better develop skills and interests that I do have, or to improve in other areas that will benefit my family and glorify God. If I want to have more time for those things, I need to start by cutting back on TV and Facebook.

I'm hoping that writing more frequently on this blog will help me get in the habit of using my free time to do something I enjoy and something that makes me feel refreshed, but is more productive than watching The Secret Life of the American Teenager.