I have a long list of things that need to get done while Joel naps, but I'm choosing to ignore them for now and write a blog post, because I feel like my soul is craving something more mentally stimulating than dishes! Sometimes I feel like my life is consumed with mundane tasks. As soon as I clean up from one meal, it's time for another. As soon as I fold and put away one load of laundry, it's time to start another. And that doesn't even include bathrooms that need to be cleaned, mail that need to be organized, closets that could use some attention...
Being a mom is a strange thing. When you have a job, no one expects you to love every part of it, but for some reason, I feel like if I ever even let myself feel discontent with any part of motherhood, much less, say it out loud, it means I don't love my child or that I'm a horrible person.
I love reading blogs by other moms, because they make me feel like I'm not alone in some of these feelings. That I'm not the only one who gets drained and tired and grumpy sometimes and who longs for some uninterrupted grown up conversation. Or, some time alone in Barnes and Noble or on the beach with some coffee and a good book.
I am a huge perfectionist. I have a hard time acknowledging my imperfections to myself, much less to other people. I love it when people are authentic and open about the things that are hard in life, and I want to be that person. I don't want to spend my life running myself dry trying to keep up a perfect image. I don't believe we were called to live that way, yet I so often fail to be vulnerable, because I'm afraid of what people will think.
Sometimes I struggle with the way friendships are different now that I have a baby. I love the community and the fellowship that comes with being a mom. I have made so many new friends since having Joel and I'm so grateful for that! I love sharing experiences, getting advice and watching our babies interact. Sometimes though, I really miss being able to get to know someone at a deeper level, apart from the things we share as moms. Yet, at the same time, I'm not sure what I have to offer apart from that. I've been feeling insecure about the fact that I don't have something I'm good at, that makes money and makes me "more than just" a mom.
I'm dying to resolve this post with some great wisdom that makes me look like, despite the things I've shared, I've been there, done that and now I have it all together. I'm resisting that urge, for one thing, because it would make this post super long and no one would probably get to that part anyway, and because I want to be real and vulnerable and human. So this is the end=)
What you have to offer is beautiful- a sweet spirit and the ability to be a true friend. That's better than a laundry list of "accomplishments"!
ReplyDeleteWhen you put it that way, what makes any of us worth someone's friendship or trouble? It is comforting to me to know God can make us useful, encouraging to others. I have enjoyed just starting to know you here and know you to be someone friendly to people regardless of their parenthood status. None of us have it all together, so what's the use of looking like it? I find the more honest I am about myself and my failings, the easier it is for others to be real too. Thanks for being real! :)
ReplyDeleteWell said, Emily. I'm sitting here at nap time taking a break from the mundane to read your post.
ReplyDeleteI have struggled with much of the same thoughts. Yesterday my neighbor came over and we actually didn't talk about kids! We talked about different Bible mysteries. It was quite refreshing and surprising conversation. Of course, nothing else got done in the mean time and my house seems to be a constant disaster that I can't keep up with, but my time in conversation was worth it!
It's great knowing other "real" people like yourself :-)
I definitely detest those daily tasks of laundry, dishes, and some of the less enjoyable tasks of discipline and picking up messes with parenting. That's why I try to write mostly about the good days, the fun memories because that's what I want to remember. That being said, you have so much to offer as a mom, but also as a friend. I love that we've had conversations that are not kid related. I look forward to hanging out more when we get back to Norfolk!
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