A glimpse of the beauty of Jesus

The Gospel is beautiful. Every once in a while, I really "get" it. So often I am caught up in the business of life, the confusion of how all of these doctrines are supposed to look in my life and I miss Jesus. I treasure these quiet moments where the gospel moves from my head into my heart. This moment started when I was filling out the paperwork for membership at our church. One of the questions was basically, "if you died and sat before God, why should he let you into heaven"? As I answered that question, my heart was filled with gratefulness for the beauty of Jesus and what he has done for me.

I've been attending Women's Bible Study at church this spring and we've been studying Luke. The study is basically over now, so I've been rereading the book in an attempt to cement some of the truths that stuck out to me over these last few months. After working on my membership packet, I came to read about the crucifixion and was once again blown away by the beauty of Jesus.

I'm not even sure how to put into words the vastness of what it means that the God of the universe came down into our lives as a human, in order to sacrifice his life for our sins. I know I'm a sinner. I think that writing posts like my last two, where I'm being vulnerable and acknowledging my sins and struggles in a very public way reminds me of my desperate need for a Savior and for the beauty of having one. I've spent a lot of my life, though believing in Jesus for salvation, struggling against striving to gain God's favor in every day life. I do not handle failure well and I constantly want to pull myself up by my boot straps and try harder next time.

I love the story of Peter in Luke, where he tells Jesus that he would never betray him and Jesus gently and lovingly tells him that in fact, he will. And not just once, but 3 times. Yet God uses Peter in amazing ways to build up his church. Just in the two chapters I just read, the disciples fail Jesus several times. They miss the point over and over again, yet Jesus patiently and gently redirects their thoughts and attitudes towards himself and his kingdom.

I think Satan uses a sad and incredibly powerful tactic in the church, where he tricks us into thinking that we're actually pretty good now that we're Christians and even if we know we aren't, we should still act like we are. I mentioned this on here before, but I am determined to fight against this lie. The only way to truly appreciate and understand the grace that I have been shown is to acknowledge, to myself and to others how much I am in need of grace every minute of every day. I think it cheapens the gospel to put on a "righteous" front and pretend like I don't struggle. Who needs a savior if you have it all together on your own.

I also realized while I was working on my membership packet that I am so much better at communicating what I want to say in writing than in spoken words. So hence, the vast amount of written words on this blog. Thanks for sticking with me, my friends!

Why I don't want to clean my house too much.

First of all, thank you for the sweet and encouraging comments about my last post! I have more where that came from=)

I feel like I'm constantly trying to evaluate my priorities and the way I spend my time. I think about what kind of mom I want to be, what kind of wife, what kind of friend. Having a vision of who I want to be helps me see how things should fit together in the every day.

Sometimes though, I'm not sure how my goals all work together on a daily basis. I know I want to be godly, patient, kind to my husband, engaged and involved in my family. I want my kids to grow up in a home where there is order and cleanliness. I want to be in decent shape, for my own health and also for the sake of my husband. I want to be someone who isn't too busy for deep, real relationships that take time. I want to read the bible, pray and find rest in God consistently. But these things all take time and energy and I struggle to excel at them all.

I'm good at self discipline. As I've mentioned before, I'm a perfectionist, so routines, order and task orientation come naturally to me. The downside of that is that often the "routine" becomes more like an obsession and I tend to lose sight of what's really important. Yes, I can read my bible every day, check it off the list and berate myself if I fail to do it one day. I can exercise multiple times a week, out of fear of feeling fat and the loss of control that accompanies that feeling.

The thing is, I don't want to be that person. I don't want to be the mom who can't stop to play with my kid, because I'm in the middle of something. I don't want to spend this time of my life obsessing about how I look and how much I weigh. I don't want to get frustrated with my kids for making messes and doing normal things that kids do. I don't want to strive to gain God's favor by reading my bible, just so I can check it off the list.

Yet, I want to live a healthy lifestyle, both spiritually and physically. I am daily struggling to figure out how to pursue these goals to become the wife, mother and friend that God wants me to be, not the wife, mother and friend who has it "all together" on the outside.

Please don't stone me...

I have a long list of things that need to get done while Joel naps, but I'm choosing to ignore them for now and write a blog post, because I feel like my soul is craving something more mentally stimulating than dishes! Sometimes I feel like my life is consumed with mundane tasks. As soon as I clean up from one meal, it's time for another. As soon as I fold and put away one load of laundry, it's time to start another. And that doesn't even include bathrooms that need to be cleaned, mail that need to be organized, closets that could use some attention...

Being a mom is a strange thing. When you have a job, no one expects you to love every part of it, but for some reason, I feel like if I ever even let myself feel discontent with any part of motherhood, much less, say it out loud, it means I don't love my child or that I'm a horrible person.

I love reading blogs by other moms, because they make me feel like I'm not alone in some of these feelings. That I'm not the only one who gets drained and tired and grumpy sometimes and who longs for some uninterrupted grown up conversation. Or, some time alone in Barnes and Noble or on the beach with some coffee and a good book.

I am a huge perfectionist. I have a hard time acknowledging my imperfections to myself, much less to other people. I love it when people are authentic and open about the things that are hard in life, and I want to be that person. I don't want to spend my life running myself dry trying to keep up a perfect image. I don't believe we were called to live that way, yet I so often fail to be vulnerable, because I'm afraid of what people will think.

Sometimes I struggle with the way friendships are different now that I have a baby. I love the community and the fellowship that comes with being a mom. I have made so many new friends since having Joel and I'm so grateful for that! I love sharing experiences, getting advice and watching our babies interact. Sometimes though, I really miss being able to get to know someone at a deeper level, apart from the things we share as moms. Yet, at the same time, I'm not sure what I have to offer apart from that. I've been feeling insecure about the fact that I don't have something I'm good at, that makes money and makes me "more than just" a mom.

I'm dying to resolve this post with some great wisdom that makes me look like, despite the things I've shared, I've been there, done that and now I have it all together. I'm resisting that urge, for one thing, because it would make this post super long and no one would probably get to that part anyway, and because I want to be real and vulnerable and human. So this is the end=)

Seriously??

I think that no matter how carefully you choose a name for your child, you will discover things about the name that you wish you'd known before you destined your child to that name forever. We thought Joel was a pretty safe and simple name. I told people his name all through my pregnancy and people always responded with..oh Joel, that's a great name. I figured sharing his name during my pregnancy would eliminate any last minute revelations about something awkward associated with his name. Well, I was wrong.

Strangers talk to us ALL THE TIME when we go out. In the grocery store, in the mall, whether I like it or not, they always want to talk to the baby. And they usually ask what his name is and I say "Joel".

Then they usually respond with, "oh Jewel? What an interesting name..." I can not tell you how many people have thought I said Jewel. Yes, I named my son Jewel. Really?? I was at my doctor the other day and the lab tech specifically said.."not Joel, but Jewel right? I like that." I don't think she still got that his name was in fact Joel. A nice strong, masculine name, or so I thought.

Yesterday, in the commissary I got a new one. I tried really hard to make sure his name didn't sound like two syllables that would resemble anything like Jewel. So she got the one syllable part, but just missed the first letter. "Oh Dole..that's an interesting name." I didn't even correct her. I just tried to politely walk away as she went on and on about how if my baby was hers, she'd be putting his face on a cereal box. Maybe Dole would like to have his face there, but I'm not sure about my son, Joel.

Is Joel really that strange of a name that no one understands it? What is wrong with me that I can't say my son's name in a way that people understand? Has anyone else run into unexpected issues with their child's name??


Does he look like he would be named Jewel? I don't think so.