Fear.

Now I can share all the things that have been on my mind over the last several weeks, besides what life is like in Dahlgren. Pregnancy has been a rather terrifying experience for me so far. I tend to be a worrier by nature and this experience has proven no different. I was the type of kid who would call my parents over and over again if they didn't get home when they said they would and then would pace around the house crying and feeling sure they had died in a car accident. Maybe it's because I'm the daughter of a nurse and a news photographer, both of whom have seen some awful things in their time. Maybe it's genetic. Maybe it's because I grew up reformed and I have heard sermon after sermon about how we will suffer in this life. Whatever the reasons, my tendency to worry is definitely sinful. When I worry, I'm telling God that I don't trust his plan for my life. I'm telling Him that he is not in control and is not good enough to take care of me. I am doubting his Word and his character when I worry. One reason I wanted to start a blog is so that I have a reason to sit down and record the little ways in which God has provided for us. I need this time to sit and reflect upon his goodness and grace and to focus my thoughts on what is true, instead of what I feel.

Needless to say, I have still spent many hours worrying over the last several weeks. I was prepared for pregnancy. I had researched it, I have many friends who have been through it, I wanted it, I planned it, I thought I knew what to expect. Life is different when you are actually living through it. Pregnancy in my imagination was far different than pregnancy in reality. Fear is a powerful influence. I have spent the last 10 weeks terrified of every little ache and pain, of which there have been many. Then I've been terrified when I don't feel the aches and pains that I was feeling. Then I look up the things I'm feeling on the internet (very bad idea), read about people who have worst case scenarios and then feel sure that this is what is happening to me. Pregnancy reminds me of being home alone at night. I feel just fine, until I hear a noise and then my heart starts racing, my mind runs wild and I'm sure there is someone in my apartment. When I feel an ache or pain, my mind runs away and I start fearing the worst immediately.

All of these fears show my need for control. Yes, during pregnancy I have a responsibility to be wise and to make good decisions and to take good care of myself. There is a point, however, where I have to let go. And I have a really hard time with that. I have to constantly remind myself that God is in control, not me. He is the one who will grow this baby into the person He wants he or she to be. That is why I love Psalm 139. It is a beautiful reminder of God's attention to detail and his interest in our lives and his power to create. I felt so incredibly relieved on Wednesday after we saw our baby on the ultrasound, saw that heart beating fast and strong, saw how he or she is developing perfectly on track. The relief is short lived however. Already today I have started worrying, what if we can't hear the heartbeat on the Doppler next time, what if something goes wrong between now and then.

I get overwhelmed sometimes, because I have a long way to go. For the rest of my life, I will have someone else on this earth who I love more than life itself, who I feel like I could absolutely not live without, who I am terrified of losing. I have got to learn to trust God and let go, so that I can enjoy the good things he has given me, and not be crippled by the fear of losing them. I am so thankful for the sweet support and encouragement of my friends and family. Thank you all for you wonderful comments on my Facebook and blog. I feel like I could probably go on forever about this, and I will probably write more on this topic throughout the next several months. For now, thanks for your prayers as our baby develops and as we strive to be the future parents that God calls us to be.

Job 38: 4-7, 16-18, 22-24
"Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth? Tell me, if you have understanding. Who determined its measurements- surely you know! Or who stretched the line upon it? On what were its bases sunk, or who laid its cornerstone, when the morning stars sang together and all the sons of God shouted for joy?

Have you entered the springs of the sea, or walked in the recesses of the deep? Have the gates of death been revealed to you, or have you seen the gates of deep darkness? Have you comprehended the expanse of the earth? Declare, if you know all this.

Have you entered the storehouses of the snow, or have you seen the storehouses of the hail, which I have reserved for the time of trouble, for the day of battle and war? What is the way to the place where the light is distributed, or where the east wind is scattered upon the earth?"

When I worry, I am telling this God that I know better than he does.