A hope and a future

I should really be going to bed, because my son doesn't believe in sleeping in on Saturdays, but I had to share these beautiful verses I just read (and of course, my thoughts about them).

Psalm 77
7 “Will the Lord reject forever?
Will he never show his favor again?
8 Has his unfailing love vanished forever?
Has his promise failed for all time?
9 Has God forgotten to be merciful?
Has he in anger withheld his compassion?”

10 Then I thought, “To this I will appeal:
the years when the Most High stretched out his right hand.
11 I will remember the deeds of the LORD;
yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
12 I will consider all your works
and meditate on all your mighty deeds.”

These verses speak perfectly to where we are in life right now. We are facing a huge transition in the next several months as Sam gets out of the Navy and finds a job in the civilian world. We are incredibly excited about this change, but also quite terrified (at least I am!). For the last three and a half years we have known that we had a pay check coming every month. We have had great health insurance and have never had to worry about making ends meet. I know it seems crazy to some people that we are choosing to walk away from this. Maybe we are crazy. But maybe we want to live a life free of deployments, duty days and underway times.



Maybe we believe that we have a big God who can provide for us. But this doesn't mean we don't wonder sometimes if we're making the right decision and if we will regret it later. When things don't work out the way we'd like, it's easy to wonder if God has abandoned us. Sometimes it feels like God has changed or withdrawn his love. I love the reminder in these verses that this is absolutely not the case and that He is just as present during the hard times as he is during the great times.

One thing I love about my husband is his ability to make decisions that require us to step out in faith. If we live safely, we lose out on the chance to watch God work in practical and miraculous ways. I cling to these experiences as we look ahead to an uncertain and scary future.

We got married at age 20.


We had no money, no degrees, and obviously we were young. God provided in amazing ways that year. We never lacked for anything. God provided a job for me as a special education aide while Sam finished his last year of school. I loved that job. I loved those kids. I loved my co-workers. My job that year enriched my life greatly and offered me precious opportunities to love on needy kids as well as to gain practical experience in the area of my degree. I am so thankful we had that year to spend every night together, to order 5 dollar pizza on Monday nights, to watch movies, take hikes, play frisbee golf, enjoy snow days and build sweet friendships.





Two years later, I graduated from college, just one year behind where I would have been. God managed to take care of all the needs that had seemed like roadblocks just months before. Sam and I have been able to watch each other grow so much over these past 4 and half years. I wouldn't want to have done it any other way.

Stay tuned for Part 2 tomorrow...

Lies I've believed.

I took a child welfare class in college and it changed me. It angered me. It confused me. It caused me to question things I'd always believed.

I was required to memorize lists of reasons why children are better off if their mom works and puts them in day care- less chance of sexual abuse, less chance of the mother and children being plunged into poverty if things don't work out with the dad, more satisfaction for the mother, higher educational achievement for the children.

I had to memorize lists of the consequences related to spanking- increased chance of violence and incarceration, increased chance of physical abuse, increased chance of teen pregnancy and substance abuse.

I saw pictures and heard stories of grotesque things that are done to children in the US and abroad.

My professor ranted and raved about the injustices toward women in our society and the dangers of being dependent on a man.

She specifically bashed Dr. Dobson and Focus on the Family as well as Christians in general.

It's taken me two years to sort through the lies I was taught in that class. I know better than to believe many of those things, yet they still got to me. Sometimes I actually feel guilty for not putting Joel in daycare...like I'm depriving him of social stimulation and educational experiences, not to mention the financial benefits of two incomes.

It's scary to me how convincing lies can be. Lies are easy to believe because they cater to our natural tendencies. It's easy for me to believe that I have rights as a woman and that I can and should demand respect from my husband. It's easy for me to embrace reasons to avoid spanking my child because I know it will feel uncomfortable and unpleasant. It's easy to associate what feels good with what's right. That's natural.

In the face of these lies, I have to constantly remind myself of the Truth. I am called to live differently than the world around me. I am called to step out in faith and make decisions that might seem scary or uncomfortable, rather than seeking comfort and ease. I am called to sacrifice my wants, needs and desires for the good of those around me.

Phillipans 2: 5-8

5 In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:

6 Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;
7 rather, he made himself nothing
by taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
8 And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
by becoming obedient to death—
even death on a cross!

Love is in the air

It seems appropriate on this day of love to talk about Joel's interest in women. He is quite the ladies' man. At least he thinks he's pretty charming.


If you have a girlfriend, you'd better watch out, because he may try to steal her. He has no problem going after older women. This weekend we were at a restaurant with my family and my brother's girlfriend, and Joel spent the evening trying to charm her and get her attention. He sure doesn't look at my brother the way he looked at her.


His obvious affection for the opposite sex started one night at bible study when he suddenly became very aware of his first love "A". She wasn't too interested in him, but he squealed and giggled and smiled and tried his hardest to get her attention.

This happened again on a play date with not just one girl, but two. He used his fall back trick of squealing and giggling to try to get "L"s attention, while attempting to hold (and eat) "A"s hand. He was very comfortable lying on their pink blanket between both girls.

And today he didn't want to leave out our Valentines buddy Lindsay. He wanted to make sure she felt loved even though her Valentine is away on his ship. (You can see the video on facebook, since after many futile attempts I can't get it to upload on here).

Even despite his many loves, Joel made time to still be my Valentine today.

"Leisure" time

I was reading this blog post the other day about how the way you spend your leisure time should reflect your priorities. Leisure time in and of itself is kind of a fuzzy area in life right now, because it's not necessarily clearly defined. I used to always hold Joel while he slept during the day, because he would sleep much longer. Now he sleeps great in his crib for about 45 minutes, but often won't go back to sleep unless I hold him (which is another post in itself), so whatever I was doing is suddenly interrupted and I find myself with what could be considered "leisure time", yet I'm not exactly able to use it however I want.

I was convicted by the blog post above because I feel like the way I use that time often is not in line with what my priorities are. One reason I made this blog public again is so that I'd be more motivated to use that time and other "down" time I have to blog instead of just aimlessly looking on the internet. The Frugal Girl, whose blog I'm referring to, talked about choosing leisure activities that make you feel refreshed.

Though checking Facebook 50 times takes less energy than writing a blog post, I feel less refreshed after doing that and I feel like I wasted my time. Sam and I joke about what is so enthralling about Facebook that we feel the need to check it all the time. Not that much really changes within a few minutes. But you never know. If I don't check, something amazing could be happening and I might be missing it.

For the first few months of Joel's life I felt like I was just surviving. We were traveling a lot and Joel had no schedule. Now his schedule is getting a little more consistent and he doesn't need me quite as much. I feel like I'm entering into a new phase and I want to make sure I'm using the time I have in meaningful ways.

I can't stand to have projects or tasks unfinished. I have a hard time starting something, then being interrupted and not being stressed out until it's finished. I'm not a great multi-tasker. I like to put all my attention and energy into one thing. I wish I was better at going from one thing to another, but I'm not. I have used that character trait to justify wasting time when I know I'm going to be interrupted, because I don't want to be feeling distracted while taking care of Joel. I've been thinking though that it would be better to be distracted by doing something productive or at least edifying than to be distracted because I want to finish the TV show I was watching or check Facebook 10 more times. I think it's fine to watch TV and check Facebook, but I know I've been spending too much time doing those things and then I feel drained instead of refreshed after my "leisure time".

I feel like so many people have so many skills that I don't have and I wonder how they find the time to do those things. I know I'm never going to be super crafty and creative because I have way too much OCD, but I can use my time to better develop skills and interests that I do have, or to improve in other areas that will benefit my family and glorify God. If I want to have more time for those things, I need to start by cutting back on TV and Facebook.

I'm hoping that writing more frequently on this blog will help me get in the habit of using my free time to do something I enjoy and something that makes me feel refreshed, but is more productive than watching The Secret Life of the American Teenager.

Where have I been??

I really admire moms who can remain fashionable while living in the bubble that is stay at home motherhood. I am not that mom. But I'm working on it. I wanted to write a post titled, "you know your a stay at home mom when..." but I know several moms who these things don't apply to, so I'm going to go with "you know you are a stay at home mom like me when.."

-You just figured out that the shoes you wear every day are absolutely NOT in style anymore (and haven't been for a long time). So,

-You go to the mall mostly to try to figure out what kind of shoes you are supposed to wear.

-Your husband tells you to please spend money on clothes and shoes.

-You buy shirts that you liked in the store and then return them because things just don't fit the same as they did pre-baby.

-In order to solve that problem, you buy the same sweater in different colors.

-Once you finally do find clothes that you like, you don't want to wear them because they will inevitably become covered in spit up and who knows what else.

So excuse me while I go buy some Uggs....

A good book (or 4)

I tend to get a little panicky when I don't have a good book to read. Especially now that I am a stay at home mom, having a good book alleviates the restlessness I sometimes feel being at home so much. I have read so many good books over the last couple months. For the first two months or so of Joel's life, I didn't see how I would ever want to read a book again. The idea of looking at words seemed to take far too much mental energy. Suddenly (and completely related to his nighttime sleeping habits) I had an overwhelming desire to read books again. The problem with good books is that they always end. When I love a book I have a strong desire to read it during any free time I have, yet at the same time, I want to read slowly, so that it doesn't finish too soon. We have a drive through library across the street, which is amazing. Who knew there was such thing as a drive through library? It's perfect for my life. I can reserve the book online and then I get an email when the book is ready and I can drive up and get it. I just got the email saying the most recent book I reserved is ready and I'm already thinking about what book to read after that, so that I can go as few days as possible without a good book to read.

Some great books I've read over the last couple months:

Three Cups of Tea, by Greg Mortenson

Into Thin Air, by Jon Krakauer

The Gift of Valor, by Michael M. Phillips

And my most favorite book, one of my favorites ever, The Help, by Kathryn Stockett. I waited for months for this book to become available at the library and it was completely worth the wait. I would highly recommend it.

Things I don't want to forget

I never want to forget this feeling. This anxious, sad, tearful heaviness that overwhelms me when Sam leaves for a while. I know it's not 8 months, or a year or 15 months, but it's long enough to make me feel sad and lonely.

It's long enough for me to focus on all the things about my husband that I miss most when he's not around.

It's long enough for me to miss the pile of his things that accumulates on the kitchen table and the fuzz from his socks that gets deposited by the door.

I hate the feeling of going to bed without him for the first time after he's been around for a while. I hate the emptiness of coming home to a house without him and knowing it's going to stay that way for a while.

I want to remember this feeling, because Lord willing, next year this time we'll be out of the Navy, away from separations, deployments and duty nights. Next year we'll be facing different challenges. I'm sure it will be much easier to take each other for granted and to get stuck in relational funks where we pick at each other.

I want to remember this feeling so that when I'm tired of vacuuming up the fuzz for the 4th time that week I will be grateful that I'm not alone in a clean, empty house. When Sam and I enter phases in our relationship that are more difficult than others, I want to remember all the wonderful qualities about him that stand out so clearly when I'm missing him. I want to remember that temporary periods of annoyance and conflict are so much better than days, weeks and months without it.

I've done this enough times to know that this feeling will become less pronounced in a few days. I won't want to cry every time I look at something of Sam's or go to bed alone. The ache becomes dull and bearable, but it's still there. This underway should be our last in the Navy. This may be the last time I feel this lonely and sad feeling for a while, which is why I hope I never forget it.