Things I don't want to forget

I never want to forget this feeling. This anxious, sad, tearful heaviness that overwhelms me when Sam leaves for a while. I know it's not 8 months, or a year or 15 months, but it's long enough to make me feel sad and lonely.

It's long enough for me to focus on all the things about my husband that I miss most when he's not around.

It's long enough for me to miss the pile of his things that accumulates on the kitchen table and the fuzz from his socks that gets deposited by the door.

I hate the feeling of going to bed without him for the first time after he's been around for a while. I hate the emptiness of coming home to a house without him and knowing it's going to stay that way for a while.

I want to remember this feeling, because Lord willing, next year this time we'll be out of the Navy, away from separations, deployments and duty nights. Next year we'll be facing different challenges. I'm sure it will be much easier to take each other for granted and to get stuck in relational funks where we pick at each other.

I want to remember this feeling so that when I'm tired of vacuuming up the fuzz for the 4th time that week I will be grateful that I'm not alone in a clean, empty house. When Sam and I enter phases in our relationship that are more difficult than others, I want to remember all the wonderful qualities about him that stand out so clearly when I'm missing him. I want to remember that temporary periods of annoyance and conflict are so much better than days, weeks and months without it.

I've done this enough times to know that this feeling will become less pronounced in a few days. I won't want to cry every time I look at something of Sam's or go to bed alone. The ache becomes dull and bearable, but it's still there. This underway should be our last in the Navy. This may be the last time I feel this lonely and sad feeling for a while, which is why I hope I never forget it.