Thoughts on staying at home...

I have mixed feelings about being a stay at home wife. Most of me absolutely loves it. I love going to the commissary and not being in such a hurry that I hate everyone around me. I love being able to run errands and clean my apartment during the week so that I can hang out with Sam on the weekends. I love the flexibility I have to spend quality time with friends during the day. I love having time to read books and go for walks. What I do not love is the guilt that hangs over me while I do these things and think about most other people I know who are directly contributing to society while they work outside the home. I do not love having to feel awkward when people ask me what I do. I do not love having my days full of mundane tasks that are only noticeable if they aren't done. (Although, I must say that I actually quite enjoy cleaning, laundry, dishes and grocery shopping. I love to bring order to things and so I am strangely fulfilled by these tasks.) I tend to feel extremely defensive and discouraged if anyone so much as hints at the fact that these things do not matter or that they are not important. I feel that I am owed respect for spending my time completing these tasks, while I could be getting another degree that would allow me to gain respect in the workplace.

After I whine to my patient husband about these things, it suddenly hits me. I chose this. I want this. I want to stay home with my kids as long as we are financially able. I don't want to spend my days in a classroom with other people's kids instead of my own. I don't want to spend my nights working in a hospital, instead of sleeping in bed with my husband. I want to go on field trips and drive the car pool and be a room mother and minister to other moms as I do these things. This is my vision for my life. I want to have the flexibility to possibly do foster care some day or to adopt. (Now I am not saying that mom's who work do not want to do these things or are not able, I just have no desire to juggle a busy career alongside of these things.)

So. I decided that if this is the life I want, I need to stop demanding respect for the things that I do and stop comparing myself to people who work outside the home. I need to get used to telling people that I don't have a job and learn not to be ashamed of that. (Some of these things will be easier when I actually have a baby, but I still feel like that is not necessarily an acceptable reason not to work in our culture.) I am reading a book by written by a midwife, who shares stories about her life. Her stories intrigue me and make me want to pursue a career like that. Then I think about the reality of leaving my children's birthday parties, working on Christmas, and leaving my husband's side in the middle of the night. No matter how much I loved a job, I don't think it would ever be worth that to me.

Maybe some day, when I have older kids, I will go back to school and pursue a professional career. Until then though, if we are financially able, I plan to set aside those dreams in pursuit of my ultimate dream, which is to be a mom, a wife and a friend. I want to be the best mom and wife possible and I want to be able to devote all my time and energy to that goal. It is truly a gift to be able to stay at home. I want to choose to embrace that opportunity, despite the lack of glamor and glory it might bring.

Boy or Girl??

One week from today, we will hopefully be finding out the gender of our baby. I am SO excited! I can't wait to see the baby on the ultrasound again. It is such a precious gift to catch a glimpse of what is going on in there. I'm also excited this week, because I'm pretty sure I'm feeling some movement. I keep second guessing myself, but this is the second week in a row where I've felt a sort of tickley tapping sensation, and it's a different feeling than I've ever felt before. I feel it most in the evenings when I'm sitting still, but even now as I type this I feel a little tap here and there. It's exhilarating every time I feel it. I freeze and just wait and hope to feel it again. I keep thinking that maybe it's just stomach rumblings and then I'll feel really dumb when I actually feel movement, but I've never felt my stomach do that before, so I'm pretty sure I'm right about what I'm feeling. My doctor said I could start feeling it around 17 weeks, and I'm at 18 weeks now, so I'm hoping that's really what I feel. I can't wait until the movements get stronger and more consistent because it makes my day every time I feel something. The fact that there is a baby in there is starting to feel so much more real than it did before. The combination of movement and a baby bump makes this so much more fun! I love being able to see my abdomen grow as my baby does. I feel much more excitement and much less fear during this trimester than I did in my first. I still have a fair share of fearful moments or thoughts, but I don't feel terrified like I did at first. I can't believe how much I already love this little person inside of me, and I think that feeling will just grow stronger after I see him or her on the ultrasound next week and have more information. I can't wait to call the baby by his or her name and be able to refer to it as "he" or "she" instead of "it", "he or she", or just "the baby". I feel so blessed to be able to experience this gift of life.

I am so excited about having a baby. I can't wait to hold this little person and watch he or she grow up. I can't wait to watch Sam as a father loving on his child. I know he will be a great dad and will be adored by our child.

I have had two friends tell me that they think I'm having a girl. I have had a feeling that it's a girl from the beginning, but we'll see if I'm right. Mostly my reasoning for thinking it's a girl is that Sam came off of deployment on a destroyer and something in the radar on there makes girls. It was a couple weeks after he got back though, so I'm not sure how long that impact lasts. As far as old wives tales go, several of those point to a girl as well. The heart rate was 153 at our last appointment and I have totally been craving sweets. On the other hand, there are a fair share of wives tales that point to a boy as well, so who knows. I will be ecstatic about either. Since I've been feeling like it's a girl, I will be excited and surprised if it's a boy. I think it would be pretty neat to have a mini version of Sam running around. I am praying for a healthy baby, whichever the gender. I just hope the baby cooperates next week so we can know!

So what do you think? Do you think we're having a boy or a girl?

SO good to be back!

As you can tell by my lack of posting, there is a lot more to do here than in Dahlgren. We have been back here for about a week and a half now and it is wonderful. It is so great to finally have a sense of order in my life again. As I was packing up our stuff to leave Dahlgren, I wondered if there would be any little twinge of nostalgia about leaving. There was not. The only thing I miss about Dahlgren is watching 18 Kids and Counting in the afternoons. The Duggars pretty much were my best friends in Dahlgren. We don't have cable here, so I have no way to watch the show anymore. I'm happy to trade in one sided TV friendships for real ones though.

I have been thinking a lot about perspective since we've been back. Things that I complained about before we went to Dahlgren suddenly look beautiful. The commissary here used to annoy me, because it was always crowded and sometimes had a poor selection, particularly of fruit. When I went there for the first time last week, I felt like I was walking into paradise. There were so many choices. Any fruit I wanted, they had. The aisles were so wide and so smartly organized. No more chips stacked on top of the freezer section. I had a blast shopping there. I had the same feeling about the gym on the base closest to us as well. It was hot and smelly as always, but I still felt very glad to be back there. I did decide that next time I'm just going to drive to my very favorite gym, because I can. The weather has generally been amazing here too since we got back, which definitely doesn't hurt. This is a very fun place to live from about March until October, so it helps that we are coming back during a good time of year. I love having a long list of things to do every day. I love having my own washer and dryer in my apartment. These are all things that I took for granted before. Mundane errands have never been so fun. I'm thankful for the perspective that Dahlgren gave me and the reminder to be thankful even for the routine things.


I had a dentist appointment today and it got me thinking about how much can change in 6 months. At my last dentist appointment, I hadn't graduated yet, Sam was deployed, we still lived in our other apartment here, and we hadn't even decided that I was going to move out. And obviously, I wasn't pregnant. 6 months from now will hold even crazier changes, Lord willing. The hygienist didn't even try to schedule my next appointment, because I will have a newborn and she knew that there is no way I can figure out when I can come in. In the summer, I sat in that chair wondering what 6 months later would look like and now it's here. Before I know it, I'll be sitting there again and life will be unbelievably different. I'm so glad that we have a God who never changes, because life always does.

Last Monday we got to hear our baby's heartbeat. They said it was a very strong, which was so comforting and encouraging. Maybe some day I will learn not to worry. I am feeling much less afraid now that I am in my second trimester and we still heard a healthy heartbeat. In about 3 weeks, we will hopefully find out the gender! I can't wait! I wake up every morning counting the days until our next appointment. If we have a girl, we have some serious work to do on finding a name. We've had a boy name picked out for months. We had a girl name as well, but we decided that we know too many little babies with the middle name we were going to use, so now we're kind of back at square 1.

I am so thankful to be back here. So thankful for the sweet friends I have here. Thankful to be sleeping in my own bed and cooking with my own pots and pans. Thankful for Panera and Starbucks and the beach.




Thankful to know exactly where the camera and camera cord are when I want to post pictures on here. Thankful for a healthy baby so far and a God who is constantly faithful.

Something beautiful in Dahlgren

The weather was great again today, so I took a walk with my camera this time. My dad and brother are the photographers in my family, but I did my best to get some proof that there is indeed a beautiful part of Dahlgren, VA.




I also wanted to share a more typical Dahlgren photo. I posted on Monday about how I wanted to have the window open, but it was too heavy. My strong hubby got it open and also found a creative and innovative way to keep it there. We are very good at taking advantage of the resources that we do have here.

Yes, that is a cutting board...

Spring is coming...

Several weeks ago Sam and I downloaded Steven Curtis Chapman's album "Beauty Will Rise" off of Itunes. This is the album he created after the death of his daughter and it is beautiful. Sad and heavy, but also hopeful and encouraging. There are a few songs on the album in particular that I love. One of them is called "Spring is Coming". I love the hope that is portrayed in this song. I have had this song stuck in my head since yesterday, when I took a walk around the base and reveled in the imminent arrival of spring! The weather was absolutely perfect. The sun was shining, the temperature was warm, but not hot and I found a beautiful part of the base that I never knew existed. I walked all around the water and it was amazing. I decided that living in Dahlgren wouldn't be so bad if you could have a house along the river over there. I wish I had brought my camera so that I could share something good about Dahlgren with you all. I love to be near the water when the weather is nice. I am so glad that God allows us to recognize and enjoy beauty. Being outside yesterday was such a welcome relief from the dingy, dirty, blandness of our room. I am so thankful for this nice weather on our last week here.

I enjoy exercising outside, because many of the distractions that keep me from praying are gone. When I run, I am often distracted by pain and fatigue, but walking eliminates even those distractions. My soul desperately needs these times of peaceful prayer. My mind is constantly distracted by worry, planning ahead, TV and internet. It was refreshing to take some time to "be still and know that the Lord is God". Pregnancy constantly reminds me how much I am not in control, and that fact continues to disturb me. I want to look in and be able to confirm that our baby's tiny heart is beating and he or she is growing just like they should be. I have moments, especially when I spend a lot of time alone in our room, where I suddenly just feel panicked that something could be wrong. My mind can very easily run away with what ifs.

I like to control things. I like things to be perfect. These character traits worked out great for getting good grades in school. They are great for staying in shape and exercising consistently. These traits are not so good for being pregnant and trusting God with my baby. I can do some things to help my baby be healthy, but I cannot control most things. This is where I need to learn to let go, but it is oh so hard! It feels better to let myself think that by worrying I can control something, then to let go and trust God to be sovereign. One of my friends wrote a post a while back about worry and she included a quote that said that God doesn't give us grace for our imaginations. I love that quote and I need to constantly remind myself of that. I have a very vivid imagination and I am an expert at thinking up worst case scenarios and then dwelling on them. Please pray that I will be able to completely surrender this tiny life over to God and to let go of my need to worry and agonize. I am thankful for times like yesterday when I can feel a strong sense of God's peace and his sovereignty over the world and over my life. I would totally recommend Steven Curtis Chapman's album "Beauty Will Rise" and I am so thankful to see signs that spring is coming!

Last week in Dahlgren!!!

Yes, next Monday I will be waking up in my own apartment, in my own bed! We spent this past weekend looking at apartments. We were once again blessed by the hospitality of our friends down there and enjoyed having some time to hang out and catch up. The weather was beautiful, especially yesterday, which added to the joy of the weekend. After securing an apartment on Saturday, we spent much of the afternoon enjoying civilization. So many restaurants, Starbucks and stores there! We got Starbucks on the beach (we sat inside, because it was windy and freezing, but we did look at the water for a few minutes), then we looked at Bob strollers, which are awesome and expensive, and then we looked at Dyson vacuum cleaners, also awesome and expensive. The Bob purchase is probably inevitable, the Dyson is still up for debate. Whatever the outcome, we enjoyed the fact that are stores that sell these items. On the way back to Dahlgren, we stopped at the outlets in Williamsburg, and I tried on my first pair of maternity pants. I am not in dire need of them yet, but my selection of comfortable pants is growing smaller, so we thought it would be a good idea to at least look. I understand why people wear these things now, they were super comfortable. I was also excited because I looked more pregnant just wearing them, due to the stretchy material. I did not buy anything yesterday but it was fun just to look. I feel a little less afraid of maternity clothes now and excited to start actually looking pregnant.

This week is exciting not only because it's the last week in Dahlgren, but also because I start my second trimester tomorrow! The whole thing is starting to feel a little more real and a little more fun now. I am still afraid of something going wrong, but the excitement is starting to outweigh the fear more often. I am really looking forward to shopping for baby things and getting the room set up in our apartment!

I really wanted to open the windows in our room today, because the weather is beautiful. Nothing ever goes how I think it's going to go here though. The windows are ridiculously heavy. I tried both windows and I cannot get them open. I am sad because the cleaning lady sprays a nasty smelling air freshener spray and I was really looking forward to replacing that smell with some fresh air! Oh well. Only a few more days!!!! Though I have not enjoyed this place, I think I will look back with good memories of all the funny things we have experienced here. Sitting in our car in the McDonald's parking lot in the pouring rain eating McFlurry's makes all the lonely, boring days worth it!

Contentment

It has been a long week already here in Dahlgren. Sam passed his last test on Friday, so we figured it was going to be smooth sailing for the last two weeks. We completed phase 1 of our move back this past weekend, when we moved all our stuff out of my parent's house. The idea of moving our stuff from my parent's house, in addition to the stuff in our storage unit has been stressing me out since September, so I felt a great sense of relief when it was all packed and we had a plan for how to get it back. I came here on Sunday night with a sense that things were finally about to get back to normal. Monday was a disappointing reminder that we are not back to normal life quite yet. I always feel sad on Mondays here. After spending the weekend with family, in my cozy childhood home, it's always a shock to wake up here. Sam had a really long day yesterday and I'm afraid this will continue for the next two weeks. We had a rushed dinner together and then Sam stayed at school until about 9:00 last night. He is still at school now, no dinner break tonight, so it looks like another long evening alone for me.

As you can tell, I'm struggling with contentment right now. I am definitely wishing time away and I know I shouldn't be. While Sam was deployed, I wished for the time when he would come home. When we were living in friends' guest rooms, I wished for Dahlgren, so that we would no longer be imposing on people and would have our own space. Since day one of being in Dahlgren, I've been wishing for Sam's school to be over so that we can go back to our life. I would appreciate your prayers for a joyful and content spirit, even though the weeks are dull, gray and lonely. I'm excited about getting back, but I know that all too soon it will be time for Sam to head to Maine and I will be wishing time away yet again. I have to constantly remind myself that God is sovereign and he will take care of me through the uncertainty and the unknown. He has been so incredibly faithful to us and I know that He never changes and will remain faithful. I know that he cares about the details of our lives and has the power to work out these details.

On a brighter note, I am so thankful for all that my sweet family has done for me over the last several months. They have housed me, fed me, cried with me, listened to me, helped me move, taken our Honda to get fixed multiple times, collected our mail and just been amazing. They are a wonderful example of hospitality, grace, servant hood and unconditional love. I am so blessed! Weekends in MD have been a wonderful break from the lonely, monotonous days here in Dahlgren and I will miss being so close to family and spending so much time together.

"Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us." Psalm 62:8