Several weeks ago Sam and I downloaded Steven Curtis Chapman's album "Beauty Will Rise" off of Itunes. This is the album he created after the death of his daughter and it is beautiful. Sad and heavy, but also hopeful and encouraging. There are a few songs on the album in particular that I love. One of them is called "Spring is Coming". I love the hope that is portrayed in this song. I have had this song stuck in my head since yesterday, when I took a walk around the base and reveled in the imminent arrival of spring! The weather was absolutely perfect. The sun was shining, the temperature was warm, but not hot and I found a beautiful part of the base that I never knew existed. I walked all around the water and it was amazing. I decided that living in Dahlgren wouldn't be so bad if you could have a house along the river over there. I wish I had brought my camera so that I could share something good about Dahlgren with you all. I love to be near the water when the weather is nice. I am so glad that God allows us to recognize and enjoy beauty. Being outside yesterday was such a welcome relief from the dingy, dirty, blandness of our room. I am so thankful for this nice weather on our last week here.
I enjoy exercising outside, because many of the distractions that keep me from praying are gone. When I run, I am often distracted by pain and fatigue, but walking eliminates even those distractions. My soul desperately needs these times of peaceful prayer. My mind is constantly distracted by worry, planning ahead, TV and internet. It was refreshing to take some time to "be still and know that the Lord is God". Pregnancy constantly reminds me how much I am not in control, and that fact continues to disturb me. I want to look in and be able to confirm that our baby's tiny heart is beating and he or she is growing just like they should be. I have moments, especially when I spend a lot of time alone in our room, where I suddenly just feel panicked that something could be wrong. My mind can very easily run away with what ifs.
I like to control things. I like things to be perfect. These character traits worked out great for getting good grades in school. They are great for staying in shape and exercising consistently. These traits are not so good for being pregnant and trusting God with my baby. I can do some things to help my baby be healthy, but I cannot control most things. This is where I need to learn to let go, but it is oh so hard! It feels better to let myself think that by worrying I can control something, then to let go and trust God to be sovereign. One of my friends wrote a post a while back about worry and she included a quote that said that God doesn't give us grace for our imaginations. I love that quote and I need to constantly remind myself of that. I have a very vivid imagination and I am an expert at thinking up worst case scenarios and then dwelling on them. Please pray that I will be able to completely surrender this tiny life over to God and to let go of my need to worry and agonize. I am thankful for times like yesterday when I can feel a strong sense of God's peace and his sovereignty over the world and over my life. I would totally recommend Steven Curtis Chapman's album "Beauty Will Rise" and I am so thankful to see signs that spring is coming!
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