Looking for answers..

Since becoming a mom.. actually as soon as that little line showed up on the pregnancy test, Google has been my go to resource for answers. Is this pregnancy symptom normal, is this food safe to eat, what is my due date going to be? Then after having a baby…how to tell if the baby is getting enough, is (fill in the blank) normal? 

And then there are the developmental milestones. I was all about knowing every single one of them when Joel was a baby. 

I think at times google and all the access we have to all kinds of information is a really great thing, but most of the time when I look something up to find “reassurance”, all I find are scary stories of worst case scenarios, which then just adds to whatever I was worrying or wondering about. Sometimes, it leads to a whole new rabbit trail of things to research in order to know every thing bad that could possibly happen regarding some new scary topic. 

I have learned this about myself since becoming a mom and have very much cut back on my tendency to “research” things, because I know it rarely gets me anywhere good. Every once in a while, usually when I’m stressed about something outside of my control, I tend to fall back into my tendency to seek answers from the great and all knowing google. 

This week was one of those times, and as I took a step back and reflected on what I was really hoping to get out of my searches, I realized that what I want is to know the unknown. I want to know what the future holds in whatever particular area I am searching for answers.. are my kids going to be developmentally normal, is my family going to be healthy and safe, am I doing the right thing?

Sometimes whatever I think I need to know really has nothing to do with the deeper questions of life, but I’ve realized that it’s a symptom of a deeper faith issue. My desperation to know a firm answer about a particular topic is a misplaced trust in who and where I can find the answers and reassurance. 

Instead of turning to the sovereign God of the universe, who truly does have all the answers and meaning I am seeking, I am turning to a cheap and useless substitute that promises to give me immediate gratification if I want information now. 

I am learning to shut down the internet and open up my journal to be pouring out my requests and fears about the unknowns in my life to the only One who has the answers.

He promises to never leave or forsake me, so I know that whatever the future holds, whatever hard things or wonderful things are ahead, He will be there and He has it under His gracious and sovereign control. 

He delights in me...

I've been working my way through 2 Samuel and it's been hard. There are lots of long names that all start with A and lots of gore and bizarreness. I prefer to just read the New Testament over and over again, but I know that God gave us these intense Old Testament books for a reason, so I am trying to persevere. I also know that without the "law"- the books of the Bible that remind us of God's holiness and his wrath and his intensity, I take for granted how amazing his grace is. I can tend to start to think that I'm really not that bad and that I pretty much deserve the salvation I've been given. Nothing like some Old Testament reading to remind me of how seriously God takes even the most random and seemingly small sins.

This morning, I reached a chapter that has been a breath of fresh air. It's a song that David sings to God out of thankfulness for all He has done. I love the intro to the song:

"And David spoke to the Lord the words of this song on the day when the Lord delivered him from the hand of all his enemies, and from the hand of Saul."

When I read this sentence, suddenly all the hard, confusing chapters I've been reading became more meaningful. Most of the book has been full of wars and betrayal and murder and heartbreak. If I hadn't read the back story, I wouldn't appreciate David's relief at God's deliverance. I think in a similar way, when I don't really believe that my sins are that serious, I fail to really appreciate the beauty of God's deliverance of me through Jesus.

I tend to swing back and forth between this casual dismissal of my sin and a legalistic need to perform for God, followed by a feeling that He is disappointed with me when I inevitably fail. So, this verse really stuck out to me,

"he (meaning God) rescued me, because he delighted in me." 

He rescued me because he delighted in me? What a beautiful way to describe God's deliverance. He didn't rescue me because he had to or because someone told him to (who could tell him to do anything since He's God). He isn't constantly disappointed with me, because he sees Jesus' beautiful redemption of my sins when He looks at me. He delights in me because his Son died for me. I really believe that if this reality could sink into my heart, I would experience an intimacy, love and gratefulness to God that I can never muster with a legalistic need to "try harder".

Anyway, that's what I'm reflecting on this morning. I'm much more likely to desire time in God's word, time in prayer and to find joy in the sacrifices I make in my role as a Mom and wife if I really believe that God delights in me.

A bigger view

Thanks to my wonderful parents, Sam and I had the chance to get away alone this past week. Our pre-child selves would be ashamed to admit that this is the first time since Joel was born that we have been away overnight just for fun. (Our only other overnight getaway involved looking at 16 houses in one day and that was 2 years ago.)

We had such a great time just being together and having fun. We ate uninterrupted meals, had an uninterrupted night of sleep and had a perfect mix of relaxing and adventuring. We dreamed about the future and ate as many peanut butter desserts as we could (one of which a bird literally took a bite out of while we were walking...)

After reading blog posts such as this one, I've been thinking a lot about how life can be so beautiful and so horrific at the same moment. As we were driving across the causeway toward the beach in our air conditioned car after eating an amazing and overly filling dinner, I was reflecting on how confusing it is to me that we can be sharing this beautiful moment while simultaneously somewhere else in the world, children are starving or being used and abused or someone's loved one is dying.

While driving past this glorious scene, we decided that maybe this cloud is actually a beautiful symbol of exactly what we were talking about.

Depending on where we are in a situation, life can look so bright, beautiful and hopeful, or so very dark, menacing and sad. We only know what we can see in the moment.

As we drove, we were reminded that God doesn't only see a dark storm or a picturesque scene, he sees the whole picture at once and how it all fits together. He can see how the dark storm in one part of the picture illuminates the brightness of the clouds above. From His perspective, the whole story is one beautiful, meaningful image.

I always struggle to understand the suffering we see in this world, but I am thankful for this reminder that what makes sense to me is only in the context of such a minute part of the story. Oh to have the faith to trust God's view of the bigger picture and to rest in His perfect plan and wisdom for my own story as well as the events of this world.

Favorite Florida Things

~Dramatic and glorious clouds during sunset. (This picture totally doesn't do it justice)

~Summer thunderstorms that provide a great break from the intense heat and sun and also make for the perfect napping environment.

~Friends who live close by.

~Our neighborhood pool.

~An amazing church with a great nursery, where I feel safe leaving Joel every Sunday and where he enjoys going. (We went to church in Orlando a few weeks ago and while we were walking in, Joel was crying "I want to go to my church....")

~A real house. After living in apartments always before this, I love having our own house, with our own garage, driveway and yard.

~Warm winters. I love that we can play outside at all times of the year. I really don't know what I'd do with a toddler all winter.

~A husband who comes home every night. I'm so thankful that we have been able to live life together consistently. No underways or duty or deployment looming.

~A Chipotle opening right down the street, since that is one of the places I really missed when we came here. (It was the first restaurant Joel ever went to...yeah, we love it.)

~Also, extra happy with life in Florida when it includes my parents, as it will for the next week!

~I'm so thankful for the ways I have seen God work in our lives and provide for us over these past (almost) two years. Life here is so much less lonely than it was at first and I'm so grateful for that!

There is now no condemnation...

I've had a surprising constant companion since becoming a mom. In the early days, this companion whispers in my ear things like.."You are going to ruin your baby's life if you feed him formula" or "you are going to ruin your baby's life if you don't co-sleep/wear him all the time" or "if only you had nursed him longer he wouldn't be sick right now"

In the toddler years, this voice whispers, "You are being too easy on him and playing with him too much- he needs to be more independent. Or, "You are missing out on precious moments that you can never get back while you choose to do dishes and clean the bathroom instead of taking him to the park."

Most of all, this voice loves to whisper, "Look at this or that Mom...she has it all together. She spends the perfect amount of time with her kids and she nourished them successfully with her own body and she always respects her husband and supports him and she is such a better wife than you and..."

I've heard this voice termed "Mom guilt" but as I've thought about it more, I'm thinking the Bible has another name for this- Satan, "the accuser of the brothers (or sisters in this case) and the father of lies"

he loves to tell me that whenever I don't meet the standard of perfection, not only are other people disappointed with me, but so is God.

I've also realized that the only successful way to combat these feelings is to preach the Gospel to myself  day in and day out (minute in and minute out on some days). I feel like I often have a disconnect between knowing in my head that Jesus died on the cross for my sins, and really believing in the power of that truth for my every day life.

I tend to think that Jesus is surprised by my shortcomings somehow. Like, "oh wow, I thought Emily was this awesome person, but look, she fed her kid packaged food, so guess I made a mistake with that one." or in more seriousness, "what? you thought that about someone or said that to your husband or worried about this or that thing even though you are commanded not to? What was I thinking??"

I was reminded the other morning that Jesus chose to die on the cross for my sins, fully knowing every sin I ever had or ever will commit. He knew that I would choose comfort over sacrifice, that I would use harsh words with my family, that I would fail to trust in his plan for my life time and time again and question his will for me. And this truth is the only weapon that can quiet the voice of the accuser in my ear. I can respond to these reminders of my sin with a confident reminder to him that,

"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death."(Rom. 8:1)

"For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ." (Galatians 1:10)

"Yet we know that a person is not justified by works of the law but through faith in Jesus Christ, so we also have believed in Christ Jesus, in order to be justified by faith in Christ and not by works of the law, because by works of the law no one will be justified." (Galatians 2:16)

"And because you are sons, God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, crying, "Abba! Father!" So you are no longer a slave, but a son, and if a son, then an heir through God." (Galatians 4:6-7)

"For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery."(Galatians 5:1)

And if Christ loved me enough to free me from my bondage to sin, with the sacrifice of his own life, I'm pretty sure I can confidently assume that his grace will overcome my flaws and failures in the "small" decisions I make for my family day in and day out.

I have a long way to go in choosing to respond to the voice of the accuser with the Gospel, rather than giving in to his accusations and being overcome with guilt and shame, but I'm thankful that there is grace readily available for that too...

The bizarre and confusing world of social media

I have been wrestling with the whole concept of blogging over this past year (as is obvious by my complete lack of doing it) and what I share on Facebook. I feel torn because I enjoy writing and I'm always thinking about things, so getting them out of my head and into written words is very refreshing. I also love to read blogs and to hear other people's stories. There have been many days where I have been so encouraged and inspired by things that other people have shared on Facebook or their blogs- both friends and random other women that I have never met.

I love that a community of moms exist who love Jesus and who view motherhood as a highly valued calling. In this phase of life, I don't often have the chance to have deep uninterrupted conversations about life with friends in person, because things are just too crazy with so many kids running around. I still feel nostalgic sometimes thinking back to my first Mom friends during a time when, though it was still crazy in a different way, we at least sometimes had the chance to share an uninterrupted conversation during a "playdate"(where our babies laid on the floor next to each other).

                                           (Was slightly easier to talk when this is all he did)

I really treasure those conversations where we were able to share our hearts as we tried to figure this thing out. That just isn't very practical in this season of life though, so I am thankful for the chance to be encouraged by other people's thoughts and motherhood journeys from the comfort of my own home during naptime or random other free moments.

There have also been plenty of times when getting on Facebook or reading a blog on a hard day has added to whatever feelings of loneliness, failure or insecurity I was feeling that day and for that reason I sometimes get a little weary of the whole online world and don't really desire to be a part of it.

I go back and forth between really desiring to be vulnerable with my feelings or experiences so that I can hopefully encourage someone else and feeling like it is kind of ridiculous to share that much of my heart on the internet.

So anyway, my feelings about this topic are still a work in progress...so if I randomly disappear again for a while, my torn feelings about the whole world of online "community" are probably the reason.

I have been so encouraged by you who have shared your own experiences and kind words in response to what I've written, so thank you for making it easier to want to share more! I'm not great about commenting on other people's Facebooks or blogs, so I am always humbled when friends take the time to share encouragement with me.

Randomness...

~Sam got me a Keurig for Mother's Day and now that I have it, I can never go back. For about one day we said we were still going to buy bags of coffee to use, but then we slowly started trying out the sample Kcups that came with it and now the coffee we buy comes in boxes full of little cups that gloriously turn into coffee when you put them in the machine. So yay, Keurig for solving the problem of being too tired to make yourself a cup of coffee.

~It is amazing to me how strangers all read the same book about what you are supposed to say to a young Mom. During pregnancy it's some comment about your size such as.. "you're too small to be that far along or you're too huge to be only that far along." How all pregnant women can manage to be too small and too big in the eyes of a stranger makes no sense to me, because then who are they using as a point of reference? Now that I have two kids, people constantly say the same two things to me wherever I am:

      1) "You have your hands full!" This comment destroys any delusions I might have about looking super together in whatever store I'm in. I thought people only made this comment to you when you had several more kids than 2, so I'm thinking I'm making it look hard enough that the actual number doesn't matter.

      2) "Is the baby a boy or a girl? Oh, two boys, you'll get your girl when you have your next baby." I cannot believe how many people have said this to us. First of all, if my hands are so full already, why are you encouraging me to have more kids and second of all, since when is the magic number to get a girl 3 kids instead of 2? And, no, I will not be having another child just because I'm sure this time it will be a girl.

~How do babies know exactly when you are about to eat, clean something or take a nap and decide to wake up?

For this child I prayed...

The older I get, the more I appreciate how raw and real the Bible is. This week I've been reading in 1 Samuel and the awesome thing about God's word is that even though I've read it before, something often strikes me that I never really noticed. I was reading about Hannah and how she prayed to God for years and years for him to give her a baby. At his point in my life I have known so many people who have walked this painful road and prayed this desperate prayer. I love that our pain is not new to God or ever surprising to him and I love his faithfulness throughout history to so many who have struggled through this life before us.

I think this passage particularly struck me because last year this time we were going on several months of unsuccessful trying for baby number 2 and I was really struggling to let go of my plan and to be willing to be content with whatever number of kids God decided to give me biologically, even if it would be one. I've been reflecting a lot on God's faithfulness over this past year as I look at my precious second baby.

I think the wait has changed my perspective on having two kids. If it had happened as easily as it did the first time, I think there would probably be more "woe is me..I have two little children and it's hard" moments and less, "my arms are full of babies and that is not promised to us in this life". Looking back over this year, I'm thankful for the wait, I'm thankful for God's timing and for an opportunity to see that God always has a plan and his plan is always better than mine. So that's why this verse particularly stuck out to me as I read it this week.

"For this child I prayed, and the Lord has granted me my petition that I made to him. Therefore I have lent him to the Lord. As long as he lives, he is lent to the Lord."

This is also a great reminder to me that God loves my children more than I ever can and that ultimately they are his. I want to hold on so tightly to them and I definitely need this reminder that they are not mine, but are in fact in the much safer and more capable hands of Someone greater.

Thankful

Today I’m thankful for the little things in life that make me appreciate the mundane things I often take for granted. Joel has been sick for a couple days this week. He was lethargic and clingy and completely not himself. Though there are nice things about a snuggly day filled with movies and chilling out (and a 20 min drive to the Dr and trip to Target...), I have been so appreciating him playing and talking and being silly like normal. Playing trains and talking about letters and coloring have given me a renewed joy today as I appreciate the gift of health. (I actually wrote this yesterday and the day ended with a bath, a load of laundry full of sheets and blankets and lots of scrubbing of the carpet, so I spoke a little too soon about him being completely better...still thankful to have the fever gone at least.)

I’m also thankful to have a 12 week old baby this week. I love this stage and I’m happy that the early, exhausting and overwhelming days of having a newborn are over. I know some people love that stage, but I love the stage of smiles and coos and (mostly) only one middle of the night wake up. 

One of the surprising things I’ve found about having a kid is the joy of getting to know them. I always wanted a “baby”. I was never really super excited about the idea of having a kid. Little did I know how incredibly fast the baby stage goes and how quickly I would be launched into having a real, live kid. I love getting to know his personality though, hearing his many thoughts and hilarious comments about life and enjoying his unprompted affection and encouragement. 

Babies are sweet and snuggly, but they can’t come up and wrap their arms around you to say “I love you Mommy” or “Is your head feeling better?” or “You’re beautiful”. They also can’t run away from you, hit you, yell no or argue, which is why, though there are many exhausting moments, I think this phase of having kids these ages is a sweet blessing. Each kid helps me to see the wonderful things about the other. 

Quitter

For some reason I’ve had a major inability to write anything or blog pretty much since we moved to Florida. I’m not sure if it’s the humidity or the fact that I seem to be using all my brain power to memorize the names of all the cars on the movie Cars or types of dinosaurs or to wrack my brain for new songs to sing at bedtime so I don’t go insane, but anyway, I’m trying to break the streak of silence and revive this blog a little.

 I’ve been reading the book “Quitter” by Jon Acuff. One of the biggest things that has stuck out to me is that he talks about how having something 90 percent perfect and shared is better than 100 percent perfect and in your head. I am a super perfectionist and so this struck me, especially when it comes to blogging. I want to try to adapt this mindset and try to spend more time writing or blogging and be willing to share even when it’s not perfect.

Two posts in two days...what??

I would like to thank daylight savings time for solving our sleep issues!

Joel was waking up around 5:30am, sometimes 5am for the last few months and he would not go back to sleep no matter what I did. I tried putting him to bed earlier, he'd wake up at 5:30. I tried putting him to bed later, he'd wake up at 5. Because he was up so early, his naps were early and then the whole cycle would start again. I really didn't know how to get out of it. I asked his doctor at his 18 month appointment if it was bad for him to be waking up that early and she told me that some babies just wake up early. After that, I resigned myself to the fact that we'd be rising with the sun, no- long before the sun, forever.

Enter daylight savings time. We decided to put Joel to bed at 8 instead of 7 that first day, because we figured he'd know no different and maybe 5am would turn into 6am in the morning. So far, it has worked great. He hasn't woken up before 6 since and sometimes he'll even still go to bed at 7 instead of 8.

Along with the early waking had come some nap drama as well over the past few months. He'd skip his nap one day, then desperately need it the next. Or, take a morning nap and then skip the afternoon. Yesterday was the first time he's ever taken one long nap, instead of just dropping one nap or the other.

It amazes me how much his sleeping patterns effect my quality of life and my mood! I felt so invigorated yesterday afternoon after 3 uninterrupted hours! I could get used to that. Then he slept in until 7 today. I pretty much jumped out of bed, I was so excited that the sun was up and that he had slept so late, after taking such a good nap yesterday. I just hope we can keep this going!

We spent the morning at the park and walked what I consider a very long way for a toddler, and what was confirmed as a very long way when he got tired and I carried him back the whole way to the car!

He was wiped out though and I'm hoping that will lead to another long nap. I know this post has way too many numbers in it, so if you are as good at math as I am, you are probably a little lost by now and you can just enjoy looking at the pictures. That's pretty much what I did during math class, but that's a whole other topic.

I just remembered I have a blog...

I can't believe it's almost April and the last time I posted was October! Sad. I guess I've sort of been struggling with what to write about on here, since we are no longer "meandering" and that was the whole reason this blog was started. I know at least my mom and my friend Courtney have missed my posts though, so for their sake, and because I know that this time goes so quickly, I'm going to try to blog more often.

We haven't done much traveling since we got here, but we have had the privilege of hosting lots of friends and family who are. Almost every month since September, we have had at least one guest, which has made life busy, but it also makes Florida feel a little closer to Virginia and Maryland. It turns out a lot of people want to visit Florida for various reasons. Joel and I were also able to spend a long weekend in Maryland in February. It was so wonderful to spend time with family and a couple close friends! And of course have a chance to wear his super adorable winter coat!

Work is going really well for Sam. He is very busy and works lots of hours, but we are so thankful for the way God is providing for us. I'm also so proud of how hard he works and how faithful he is as a father and husband. The work he does is not always glamorous, but he has a goal and he is willing to do what it takes to get there. We have really enjoyed having him home every night since he left the ship! This move has been a great opportunity for us to learn to support each other and to relearn what living together looks like.

Joel is growing up so much. It's hard to believe that he is 18 months old already. Thinking back to last year feels like a different life in so many ways. He is saying more and more words every day and I love having a glimpse into who he is and what he wants.

He is a ton of fun and I am loving this age overall...with the exception of the tantrums and picky eating...I'm realizing more and more what a huge responsibility I have before me as he grows up and how fast it's all going to go. Right now, his absolute favorite food is graham crackers. He knows where we keep them and asks for them all the time. If I try to feed him anything else, he responds with quite the heartbreaking cry of "craaaccckkerr??" It's hard for me to resist this face, but I'm working on it!

Thanks to my awesome brother Josh for this picture! (And this was pre-graham cracker obsession)

He also looves his paci. Paci and cracker are probably his two favorite words. I'm working on cutting back on both with him, but it can be a battle. I'm learning that my little guy is quite determined and resourceful. I am looking forward to seeing where these traits will lead him in life.

As you can see, we are embracing life in the South.

A fresh perspective

I just read the book "Loving the Little Years-Motherhood in the Trenches" by Rachel Jankovic, thanks to my friend Heather's recommendation. This paragraph on the very last page particularly stuck out to me.

"Motherhood is hard work. It is repetitive and often times menial. Accept it. Rejoice in it. This is your toil. Right here. Those are their faces. Enjoy them. The days of your life are supposed to be full of things like this. But joy is not giddy. It is not an emotional rush- it it what happens when you accept your lot and rejoice in your toil. So rejoice in your children. Look them in the eyes and give thanks."

These words really encouraged me, as my days often feel menial at this point in my life. I'm finding life with a toddler to be challenging in a completely different way than life with a baby. The good moments are so so fulfilling, but sometimes the daily grind can feel so exhausting and discouraging. These past couple months are also the first months of motherhood where I've had any kind of normalcy. I'm so thankful that we now have a routine, that Sam is home every night and that we are not constantly packing up and leaving. With less stress though has also come less excitement for this stay at home mom. Days here look more the same and I have less "interesting" things to look forward to.

I've found myself struggling to figure out what contentment looks like at this point, as well as feeling guilty when I don't love being at home every minute of every day. I love what the book says about joy not being giddy. I don't have to feel excited about my life every second of the day to still find joy in it. I also love what she said about looking into your child's eyes. After reading this book, I found myself looking at Joel with a fresh perspective..looking into those big blue eyes and seeing a precious little person with feelings, ideas, and a personality. That seems so obvious, but sometimes those things get lost in the process of cleaning up, planning meals, agonizing about discipline and sleep. I forget to enjoy my child. I forget to revel in the moments where he is babbling very enthusiastically about something that is very important to him. To genuinely laugh as I watch him do silly things. To treasure each moment that I get to watch him play, that I get to learn about him and see who he is becoming.





I think these things are so undervalued in our culture. If we are not accomplishing something measurable and attaining goals that directly benefit us, then we are missing out on joy and fulfillment in this life. I have far too often believed this lie. I loved the reminder of this book that spending my life giving to my family is a joyful calling. I have been given a great privilege and gift to spend my days entering into the world of a 1 year old and providing a safe and secure home for him to grow up in. I'm thankful for reminders to stop feeling sorry for myself and enjoy the life that God has given me.

Joel's 1st birthday

I still can't really believe that my baby is one! He was just a little baby.




It's a little scary to think about how quickly he's going to grow up. I'm trying to cherish every moment that he's little and wants to be with me. He loves to hold my hand and walk around. (This is my attempt at taking a picture of him, without letting go of his hand.)



Lately, if I leave him in his play room to clean up the kitchen or something, he'll come find me and take me by the hand, back into the play room. It is so sweet. It makes it difficult to get things done sometimes, but I try to remember that before I know it, he will not exactly be going out of his way to be with me.

I am loving this age. It definitely has it's challenges, and sometimes I feel really nostalgic for the early days when I just got to cuddle him all the time, but overall, I am loving how interactive he is, and how much he's learning. I love watching his little personality develop.

Last year this time, I was frantically trying to nurse him, preparing for Sam to head back to Maine and crying a lot. Actually, it was last year today that Sam left and it was one of the hardest days of my life. Watching Sam say goodbye to his 5 day old son was absolutely heart breaking. Then Joel proceeded to cry for most of the night after Sam left. And things pretty much just went downhill from there for the next few weeks, before they got better. Anyway, I'm glad it's this year and not last year, even though it's a little sad to watch Joel grow up.

I wanted to share a few pictures from Joel's birthday. We didn't have a party, because we don't exactly have an abundance of friends here yet, but the day ended up being really fun anyway. We enjoyed our time as a family and we'll get to celebrate again this weekend when my family comes into town.

He started the day with his favorite, favorite food- blueberries!


Of course we had to include Chick fil a in our special day..


We played in his baby pool..


I tried all day to get a good picture of him...


Getting ready to give him his cake!




He liked the icing..


But not so much the cake.


I am so thankful, because I really thought I was going to feel sad on his birthday, missing friends and family, but I really enjoyed the day. I stayed up late decorating the night before and Joel walked around for half an hour the next morning, squealing and pointing at the decorations..such a joyful day and I'm so thankful that Sam could be there to celebrate with us!

And check out my post from yesterday about my recent revelation.

You'd think I'd know this by now..

I had a revelation this week. This should be obvious, but so often it isn't. I act more like Jesus when I spend more time with Him. I know that's shocking.

This move has been a hard transition for me. Connections with other moms haven't happened as quickly or obviously as I was hoping and I've had a bad attitude about it. I've been discouraged that my attitude wasn't more in line with where I knew it should be and I didn't know how to change it. I've placed unrealistic expectations on Sam, expecting him to fill a place in my soul that he can never fill. A friend gave me the link to this blog and after reading it, I'd been contemplating the idea of getting up early to spend time reading the Bible and praying. On Sunday morning, Joel woke up at 4am and took a little while to fall back asleep, so I decided that since I was already up, I would read and pray for a while.

I've only been doing this for 3 days now and it has been amazing. I feel like I've been depriving my soul and it is drinking in God's word and quiet time in His presence. And as a result of that sweet time with Jesus, who is the only perfect friend I will ever have, I have felt less lonely and sorry for myself and been able to appreciate the blessings I do have here. I'm praying and if you are willing you can pray along with me, that I will remember how wonderful and necessary it is to set aside more than a few minutes to read and pray, if I want to see change in my life and feel satisfied.

Life is Messy

And he told his disciples to have a boat ready for him because of the crowd, lest they crush him, for he had healed many, so that all who had diseases pressed around him to touch him. Mark 3:9-10

I've been thinking about messes a lot lately. Having an almost 1 year old around makes it easy to see that life tends towards chaos and disorder. Joel has recently discovered the cabinets in the kitchen. He loves to take all the Tupperware containers out and throw them all over the floor. He loves to take books off of shelves, toys out of bins, clothes out of the laundry basket..you name it, he loves to throw it everywhere. While I clean up one thing, he's somewhere else making another mess. Every meal consists of cleaning out his high chair, cleaning up the floor around his highchair and washing dishes. I spend the majority of every day fighting against messes.

When I think about it, I don't just spend my days fighting against chaos and disorder in my home, but also in other areas of my life. I really don't like it when things don't work like they should. I don't like the fact that life can be painful, lonely and hard even in the good times. I want things to work. I can have a really bad attitude in response to this reality. I get nostalgic about the past and how much better things used to be. I ignore relationships that are painful and difficult.

In light of this, I was struck by the image of Jesus being surrounded by people with diseases. I have no desire to have people crowding into me at all, much less people with all kinds of diseases. I picture loud, messy, hot, sweaty people all around me and I want to escape just thinking about it.

I need to love people better. I need to stop whining and complaining in my heart when things get crowded and messy. I know that I fail to do this constantly. So, I'm taking a minute to reflect on Jesus instead of myself. On what He has done, instead of what I need to do. I am that messy, nasty, diseased and sinful person in the crowd. Jesus willingly chose to leave heaven..where everything works just as it should..where he had perfect communion with his Father..where there is no brokenness, injustice or disease to come engage me here on this earth. I know that it's only in reflecting on this truth that I can cope with the constant messiness I see all around me in this world.

Home.

I've been thinking a lot about the concept of "home" lately. What makes something feel like home? How do we achieve that feeling of comfort, security and peace that makes us feel at home? I've been longing for a physical place that represents home for a while. In some ways, nowhere we lived in Norfolk ever really felt like home, because Sam was missing so much of the time and because I came and went a lot too. We moved a few times while we were there, so I didn't have much of an emotional attachment to any physical location in particular. What I did have there was 4 years worth of time, friends and experiences. Are those the things that should lead to a feeling of "home"?

Here in Florida, we have basically a dream house to call home. We were out of town for a few days last week and I was so looking forward to coming home and getting completely settled. We got home on Monday night, and when we got here, the storm track for Hurricane Irene was coming directly toward us. I was feeling so upset that I wasn't able to enjoy that feeling of being home because I was afraid that it was all going to go away. It only takes one hurricane to destroy all the work we've put into this place and the order that I've been so longing for, particularly over this past year. On a similar note, though I love this house and it feels so much more homey than anywhere we've ever lived, because we own it, I am missing the security and comfort of community, that embodies the concept of home to me.

Both of these things are painful reminders that this earth is not our home. We have a home waiting for us in heaven, where I will feel completely and 100 percent fulfilled. This physical location will never provide that for me. A great community of friends and family will never provide that for me. Thankfully, it looks like we're going to be missed by the hurricane this time. Now, I'm keeping an eye on Irene as I think of my friends and family in Maryland and Virginia. Life can feel so chaotic and out of control and I've been trying to turn my eyes toward my Savior and the eternal communion with him that is coming. It sure is hard though. My heart constantly longs to be fulfilled here and now and wants the same for those I love.

And since I'm talking about home..here are a few pictures for those of you who aren't on Facebook.

Backyard


Dining Room


Front View


Joel enjoying his new house


I know I've posted this verse several times before, but I love it and find it so encouraging, so I'm going to share it again.
"Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away."

We made it.

So we’re here in our new home. It’s been a whirlwind of a week! Last week already feels like a different lifetime. God has been so good to us in this entire move. First of all, our movers ended up coming a day early last week (Thursday instead of Friday), which made everything so much smoother. Everything was all moved out by last Thursday night and we were able to take our time cleaning and packing that evening. We ate pizza on the floor and slept on our air mattress in our apartment. Joel woke up bright and early on Friday morning (5am) and so we got an early start to our drive. We stopped for the weekend in Charleston, SC on the way down. I visited a friend there a couple years ago while Sam was underway, and I’ve been wanting to bring him there ever since. The weather was a little less ideal this time…I went in the early spring last time and it was a little cooler than August, but we still had fun. On Sunday, we headed the rest of the way to Florida. The trip was so incredibly smooth. We followed each other the whole way. We never hit any traffic. It rained for maybe 10 minutes off and on the whole trip and Joel did great. He probably fussed for 5 minutes during the whole 14 hours. His sleep has definitely been a little wacky, but he has been such a trooper.

We closed on our house on Monday. Once again, super smooth. It was kind of hard to believe it was that easy. After all the paperwork and stress about if everything would work out, that day was so simple. Coming into our very first house was such an amazing feeling. I still can’t believe that we get to live here. Joel was adorable as he crawled around and squealed in delight at all the ceiling fans. There is one in pretty much every room and he was so excited to see so many of them. We’ve been working really hard cleaning and working on some projects while we wait for our stuff to get here. Sam worked in the yard for a while yesterday and it looks amazing. I’m so proud of him. We also changed out some knobs on our cabinets, and I can’t believe how much of a difference it makes. All these little things are making the house feel more like ours. I’m really anxious to have our stuff though! Our neighbors across the street brought us brownies the other day. So sweet! I always imagined that happening in a neighborhood!

In the midst of my excitement about our house, I have also felt the distance from friends and family at times. Sadness seems to hit at the most random times. I thought I’d be really sad actually driving away from Norfolk, but strangely, I didn’t really feel too much at that point. Since then, I’ve had random times where I felt super sad and lonely and then, thanks to God’s gracious comfort, provision and peace, I feel excited and grateful to be here and be with my husband again. Yesterday morning was one of the times I felt the most sad and God used some little things to cheer me up. I went to the grocery store for the first time (and I was feeling so homesick, I actually missed the commissary…that should tell you something) and found that they have peppermint mocha creamer, which I love love love in my coffee. They never had it at the commissary, or anywhere else I shopped on a regular basis in Virginia, so I’m so excited that I can have consistent access to it (what can I say, I’m easily pleased..) Another strange thing that really lifted my spirits was working in the yard while Joel napped yesterday. I weeded the flower beds in our front yard and there was something really fulfilling about getting my hands dirty and making my yard more beautiful. Yesterday morning I prayed that God would give me strength and comfort and I saw how he totally did throughout the day. I’m sure there will be more sad times, but I feel like I made it over one hump in this transition. I know that so many of you are praying for us and we can totally see the answers to your prayers. Thank you and please keep it up! We have really spotty internet access right now, and no furniture, but we will post pictures soon!

A big change..

It has been way too long since I wrote anything on here. These past couple months have been crazy. We have been traveling a lot and figuring out the details of some big changes. One reason I haven't been blogging is because I've been spending my time between travels unpacking, cleaning and having play dates, but another reason is that I wasn't ready to announce our next step officially quite yet. Sam will be leaving his ship in the next few months and starting a job in Florida this fall.

This decision has been emotional for me over the past couple months. I am so excited for Sam and for the opportunities that this move provides for him. We love the area where we are moving and will be living in our first home there (assuming all goes well). This past weekend we looked at 16 houses in one day and over the next few days made a decision about which house we wanted, put in an offer and got it accepted. We are so excited for Joel to have a backyard, a driveway and a safe neighborhood with sidewalks to grow up in. We are sick of apartment living and can't wait to own our own place. Our yard will have several palm trees in it and a huge screened in patio where we can sit in the evening and enjoy a cool breeze from the ocean. (Want to come visit yet??)

On the other side of things, I have grown pretty attached to our life here and have some dear friends who I'm really going to miss. I know it's going to hurt to say goodbye. It was painful to move away from Blacksburg and we only lived there for 10 months. We have been here for 4 years. I graduated from college here, we had a baby here, we started and ended our time in the Navy here. I think my fellow new mom friends will always be special to me, because we started this journey of motherhood together.

I've been wanting to write about how faithful God has been to us in all of this. We weren't really sure if any of this was going go work out, but God has worked out the details so smoothly. When we went to Florida for Sam to interview in May, we prayed that God would make the decision clear. We felt like the trip could not have gone any smoother. The job was everything we were hoping for and we loved the area. This time, once again, God led us as we tried to make a huge decision in a short amount of time and we have seen his care for us and his provision so clearly.

We'd appreciate your continued prayers as we move forward and as we face difficult goodbyes!

A glimpse of the beauty of Jesus

The Gospel is beautiful. Every once in a while, I really "get" it. So often I am caught up in the business of life, the confusion of how all of these doctrines are supposed to look in my life and I miss Jesus. I treasure these quiet moments where the gospel moves from my head into my heart. This moment started when I was filling out the paperwork for membership at our church. One of the questions was basically, "if you died and sat before God, why should he let you into heaven"? As I answered that question, my heart was filled with gratefulness for the beauty of Jesus and what he has done for me.

I've been attending Women's Bible Study at church this spring and we've been studying Luke. The study is basically over now, so I've been rereading the book in an attempt to cement some of the truths that stuck out to me over these last few months. After working on my membership packet, I came to read about the crucifixion and was once again blown away by the beauty of Jesus.

I'm not even sure how to put into words the vastness of what it means that the God of the universe came down into our lives as a human, in order to sacrifice his life for our sins. I know I'm a sinner. I think that writing posts like my last two, where I'm being vulnerable and acknowledging my sins and struggles in a very public way reminds me of my desperate need for a Savior and for the beauty of having one. I've spent a lot of my life, though believing in Jesus for salvation, struggling against striving to gain God's favor in every day life. I do not handle failure well and I constantly want to pull myself up by my boot straps and try harder next time.

I love the story of Peter in Luke, where he tells Jesus that he would never betray him and Jesus gently and lovingly tells him that in fact, he will. And not just once, but 3 times. Yet God uses Peter in amazing ways to build up his church. Just in the two chapters I just read, the disciples fail Jesus several times. They miss the point over and over again, yet Jesus patiently and gently redirects their thoughts and attitudes towards himself and his kingdom.

I think Satan uses a sad and incredibly powerful tactic in the church, where he tricks us into thinking that we're actually pretty good now that we're Christians and even if we know we aren't, we should still act like we are. I mentioned this on here before, but I am determined to fight against this lie. The only way to truly appreciate and understand the grace that I have been shown is to acknowledge, to myself and to others how much I am in need of grace every minute of every day. I think it cheapens the gospel to put on a "righteous" front and pretend like I don't struggle. Who needs a savior if you have it all together on your own.

I also realized while I was working on my membership packet that I am so much better at communicating what I want to say in writing than in spoken words. So hence, the vast amount of written words on this blog. Thanks for sticking with me, my friends!