Thoughts from my bed...

I almost missed Dahlgren for a second this week. I was thinking about how when I first started this blog, I had lots of funny stories to share about our Dahlgren experience. I don't have any funny things to share right now, so for that reason I missed Dahlgren a little, teensy, tiny bit, for about a mili-second.

Having contractions was not a one time thing. I had a follow up doctor's appointment on Monday and she said that I will most likely not be contraction free until Joel is born. She limited my activity further than exercise and travel, to basically nothing that requires standing for any long period of time. I'm allowed to go to the grocery store, do some laundry and dishes, and that's about it. No beach, no cleaning, no shopping. Also, I'm supposed to stop whatever I'm doing if it happens to cause contractions, which seems to be just about anything besides laying in my bed.

I've had very mixed emotions this week as the reality of this all sets in. When I feel normal and not in pain, everything seems ok. When I'm feeling pain and contractions, it seems very not ok. It feels terrifying at those moments. As you know, fear and worry have been my companions since the beginning (to my marriage bible study friends, picture Sherri and some awesome hand motions). I'm terrified of having a premature baby, and all the complications that go along with that. I'm terrified that this will happen again in future pregnancies. I'm working on taking things one day at a time and not worrying about the future. This week has actually flown by. It's amazing how busy you can be doing nothing.

In a mild way, I feel like I have undergone somewhat of a grieving process this week. I'm grieving the loss of an ideal. This wasn't supposed to happen. Things were supposed to be simple and uncomplicated. I was supposed to be a pregnancy rock star. It's a hit on my ego to have this happen, because it makes me feel like a failure as a woman. I feel like I'm a failure in carrying my child. I have felt angry this week. I've felt angry at drivers on the road, angry at people at the car dealership who took the comfy seat I wanted while I waited for an oil change. I have felt loss when I drive by the park where I like to walk or the gym I where like to work out. I realize how much I rely on these things to satisfy and fulfill me and it hurts to let them go.

I want to use this summer to learn whatever God is trying to teach me through this. I don't want to become bitter, angry and self-pitying. I have an definite issue with perfectionism and I think that God is trying to remind me to rely on him instead of my attempts to keep things together. Instead of being angry and fighting back in my heart, I want to let God soften and mold my heart to be more gentle, restful and accepting of failure, my own and other people's. Another thing I've been reminded of in the last week is that I'm a brat. I want things to go my way and I'm going to have a tantrum if they don't. I have an opportunity this summer to become intimate with a whole other side of God. God who is with me in the hard times, not just God who blesses me and makes everything go well.

If I can muster up the courage to be this vulnerable on a blog that the whole world can see, I'm planning to continue to share my thoughts and struggles as I spend my summer mostly in my bed. These posts will probably be long and not super entertaining, so feel free to read along, or not. It's helpful for me to write out my thoughts and I want to be able to look back later at this time and see where God has brought me.