Last year today...

I've been reflecting tonight on how much has changed since last year. Last year on this day Sam and I were in Hawaii on pre-deployment leave. I was planning to get my master's degree in education and having a baby was several years away. Tonight as I reminisced, I looked back at our Hawaii pictures and I looked so THIN!!! I know my body has changed a ton, but it has been gradual, so it's really only when I look back at pictures that I see how drastic the change is.

Last year:






This year:


My body is certainly not the only thing that's changed. It was actually on our Hawaii trip that we decided that the timing was right for a baby and wrong for a masters. I am so glad that we made this decision and that God chose to bless us with a baby.

Though pregnancy and the idea of being a parent is exciting and wonderful and such a blessing, it is also hard. I am sitting here tonight struggling as I feel like all my coping mechanisms are being taken away for the moment. I like to be self sufficient, efficient, in shape and in control. When I'm faced with situations that are out of control, such as the stress and unknown of Navy life, my favorite coping techniques are exercising and staying in shape and bringing order to the things I can control. I usually try to have as little down time as possible, so that I have little time to think about whatever is stressing me out. Right now, I need to sacrifice those coping mechanisms for the sake of my child. It's hard. It's very hard for me to sit still and relax, especially when I'm stressed out about the future.

At church today, our pastor talked about how as middle class American Christians, we don't need Jesus very much. We get angry when we aren't comfortable and when things don't go our way. We like to have Jesus in our back pocket just in case, but we really are looking to the things of this world to satisfy and fulfill us. This resonated with me, because through this experience of having to take it easy to avoid having more issues with contractions, I have really had to face the things that I generally rely on to make me feel fulfilled and satisfied. I feel totally out of control of my body, and Sam's schedule and of many other aspects of the future. I have felt grumpy and angry that things aren't going the way I want them to and that I have to deal with this. I need to be putting my hope in Christ and in his promise that through his death and resurrection, one day he will make all things right. My hope should not be in my weight, my clean house, or my productivity or self-sufficiency. It is painful to let go of these things though! I have so many, many things to be thankful for, but this process is hard and painful and I want to share that part with you as well.

Many things may have changed in a year, but one thing that remains the same is that I have a savior who loved me so much that he came to this earth and suffered unimaginable pain in every way and took my sins upon himself, so that one day I will be able to spend eternity with God, where there is no more brokenness, fear, loneliness, pain or sin. Though my heart still feels burdened with the unknowns of my future, I am comforted in knowing this truth.