He delights in me...

I've been working my way through 2 Samuel and it's been hard. There are lots of long names that all start with A and lots of gore and bizarreness. I prefer to just read the New Testament over and over again, but I know that God gave us these intense Old Testament books for a reason, so I am trying to persevere. I also know that without the "law"- the books of the Bible that remind us of God's holiness and his wrath and his intensity, I take for granted how amazing his grace is. I can tend to start to think that I'm really not that bad and that I pretty much deserve the salvation I've been given. Nothing like some Old Testament reading to remind me of how seriously God takes even the most random and seemingly small sins.

This morning, I reached a chapter that has been a breath of fresh air. It's a song that David sings to God out of thankfulness for all He has done. I love the intro to the song:

"And David spoke to the Lord the words of this song on the day when the Lord delivered him from the hand of all his enemies, and from the hand of Saul."

When I read this sentence, suddenly all the hard, confusing chapters I've been reading became more meaningful. Most of the book has been full of wars and betrayal and murder and heartbreak. If I hadn't read the back story, I wouldn't appreciate David's relief at God's deliverance. I think in a similar way, when I don't really believe that my sins are that serious, I fail to really appreciate the beauty of God's deliverance of me through Jesus.

I tend to swing back and forth between this casual dismissal of my sin and a legalistic need to perform for God, followed by a feeling that He is disappointed with me when I inevitably fail. So, this verse really stuck out to me,

"he (meaning God) rescued me, because he delighted in me." 

He rescued me because he delighted in me? What a beautiful way to describe God's deliverance. He didn't rescue me because he had to or because someone told him to (who could tell him to do anything since He's God). He isn't constantly disappointed with me, because he sees Jesus' beautiful redemption of my sins when He looks at me. He delights in me because his Son died for me. I really believe that if this reality could sink into my heart, I would experience an intimacy, love and gratefulness to God that I can never muster with a legalistic need to "try harder".

Anyway, that's what I'm reflecting on this morning. I'm much more likely to desire time in God's word, time in prayer and to find joy in the sacrifices I make in my role as a Mom and wife if I really believe that God delights in me.

A bigger view

Thanks to my wonderful parents, Sam and I had the chance to get away alone this past week. Our pre-child selves would be ashamed to admit that this is the first time since Joel was born that we have been away overnight just for fun. (Our only other overnight getaway involved looking at 16 houses in one day and that was 2 years ago.)

We had such a great time just being together and having fun. We ate uninterrupted meals, had an uninterrupted night of sleep and had a perfect mix of relaxing and adventuring. We dreamed about the future and ate as many peanut butter desserts as we could (one of which a bird literally took a bite out of while we were walking...)

After reading blog posts such as this one, I've been thinking a lot about how life can be so beautiful and so horrific at the same moment. As we were driving across the causeway toward the beach in our air conditioned car after eating an amazing and overly filling dinner, I was reflecting on how confusing it is to me that we can be sharing this beautiful moment while simultaneously somewhere else in the world, children are starving or being used and abused or someone's loved one is dying.

While driving past this glorious scene, we decided that maybe this cloud is actually a beautiful symbol of exactly what we were talking about.

Depending on where we are in a situation, life can look so bright, beautiful and hopeful, or so very dark, menacing and sad. We only know what we can see in the moment.

As we drove, we were reminded that God doesn't only see a dark storm or a picturesque scene, he sees the whole picture at once and how it all fits together. He can see how the dark storm in one part of the picture illuminates the brightness of the clouds above. From His perspective, the whole story is one beautiful, meaningful image.

I always struggle to understand the suffering we see in this world, but I am thankful for this reminder that what makes sense to me is only in the context of such a minute part of the story. Oh to have the faith to trust God's view of the bigger picture and to rest in His perfect plan and wisdom for my own story as well as the events of this world.

Favorite Florida Things

~Dramatic and glorious clouds during sunset. (This picture totally doesn't do it justice)

~Summer thunderstorms that provide a great break from the intense heat and sun and also make for the perfect napping environment.

~Friends who live close by.

~Our neighborhood pool.

~An amazing church with a great nursery, where I feel safe leaving Joel every Sunday and where he enjoys going. (We went to church in Orlando a few weeks ago and while we were walking in, Joel was crying "I want to go to my church....")

~A real house. After living in apartments always before this, I love having our own house, with our own garage, driveway and yard.

~Warm winters. I love that we can play outside at all times of the year. I really don't know what I'd do with a toddler all winter.

~A husband who comes home every night. I'm so thankful that we have been able to live life together consistently. No underways or duty or deployment looming.

~A Chipotle opening right down the street, since that is one of the places I really missed when we came here. (It was the first restaurant Joel ever went to...yeah, we love it.)

~Also, extra happy with life in Florida when it includes my parents, as it will for the next week!

~I'm so thankful for the ways I have seen God work in our lives and provide for us over these past (almost) two years. Life here is so much less lonely than it was at first and I'm so grateful for that!

There is now no condemnation...

I've had a surprising constant companion since becoming a mom. In the early days, this companion whispers in my ear things like.."You are going to ruin your baby's life if you feed him formula" or "you are going to ruin your baby's life if you don't co-sleep/wear him all the time" or "if only you had nursed him longer he wouldn't be sick right now"

In the toddler years, this voice whispers, "You are being too easy on him and playing with him too much- he needs to be more independent. Or, "You are missing out on precious moments that you can never get back while you choose to do dishes and clean the bathroom instead of taking him to the park."

Most of all, this voice loves to whisper, "Look at this or that Mom...she has it all together. She spends the perfect amount of time with her kids and she nourished them successfully with her own body and she always respects her husband and supports him and she is such a better wife than you and..."

I've heard this voice termed "Mom guilt" but as I've thought about it more, I'm thinking the Bible has another name for this- Satan, "the accuser of the brothers (or sisters in this case) and the father of lies"

he loves to tell me that whenever I don't meet the standard of perfection, not only are other people disappointed with me, but so is God.

I've also realized that the only successful way to combat these feelings is to preach the Gospel to myself  day in and day out (minute in and minute out on some days). I feel like I often have a disconnect between knowing in my head that Jesus died on the cross for my sins, and really believing in the power of that truth for my every day life.

I tend to think that Jesus is surprised by my shortcomings somehow. Like, "oh wow, I thought Emily was this awesome person, but look, she fed her kid packaged food, so guess I made a mistake with that one." or in more seriousness, "what? you thought that about someone or said that to your husband or worried about this or that thing even though you are commanded not to? What was I thinking??"

I was reminded the other morning that Jesus chose to die on the cross for my sins, fully knowing every sin I ever had or ever will commit. He knew that I would choose comfort over sacrifice, that I would use harsh words with my family, that I would fail to trust in his plan for my life time and time again and question his will for me. And this truth is the only weapon that can quiet the voice of the accuser in my ear. I can respond to these reminders of my sin with a confident reminder to him that,

"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death."(Rom. 8:1)

"For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ." (Galatians 1:10)

"Yet we know that a person is not justified by works of the law but through faith in Jesus Christ, so we also have believed in Christ Jesus, in order to be justified by faith in Christ and not by works of the law, because by works of the law no one will be justified." (Galatians 2:16)

"And because you are sons, God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, crying, "Abba! Father!" So you are no longer a slave, but a son, and if a son, then an heir through God." (Galatians 4:6-7)

"For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery."(Galatians 5:1)

And if Christ loved me enough to free me from my bondage to sin, with the sacrifice of his own life, I'm pretty sure I can confidently assume that his grace will overcome my flaws and failures in the "small" decisions I make for my family day in and day out.

I have a long way to go in choosing to respond to the voice of the accuser with the Gospel, rather than giving in to his accusations and being overcome with guilt and shame, but I'm thankful that there is grace readily available for that too...

The bizarre and confusing world of social media

I have been wrestling with the whole concept of blogging over this past year (as is obvious by my complete lack of doing it) and what I share on Facebook. I feel torn because I enjoy writing and I'm always thinking about things, so getting them out of my head and into written words is very refreshing. I also love to read blogs and to hear other people's stories. There have been many days where I have been so encouraged and inspired by things that other people have shared on Facebook or their blogs- both friends and random other women that I have never met.

I love that a community of moms exist who love Jesus and who view motherhood as a highly valued calling. In this phase of life, I don't often have the chance to have deep uninterrupted conversations about life with friends in person, because things are just too crazy with so many kids running around. I still feel nostalgic sometimes thinking back to my first Mom friends during a time when, though it was still crazy in a different way, we at least sometimes had the chance to share an uninterrupted conversation during a "playdate"(where our babies laid on the floor next to each other).

                                           (Was slightly easier to talk when this is all he did)

I really treasure those conversations where we were able to share our hearts as we tried to figure this thing out. That just isn't very practical in this season of life though, so I am thankful for the chance to be encouraged by other people's thoughts and motherhood journeys from the comfort of my own home during naptime or random other free moments.

There have also been plenty of times when getting on Facebook or reading a blog on a hard day has added to whatever feelings of loneliness, failure or insecurity I was feeling that day and for that reason I sometimes get a little weary of the whole online world and don't really desire to be a part of it.

I go back and forth between really desiring to be vulnerable with my feelings or experiences so that I can hopefully encourage someone else and feeling like it is kind of ridiculous to share that much of my heart on the internet.

So anyway, my feelings about this topic are still a work in progress...so if I randomly disappear again for a while, my torn feelings about the whole world of online "community" are probably the reason.

I have been so encouraged by you who have shared your own experiences and kind words in response to what I've written, so thank you for making it easier to want to share more! I'm not great about commenting on other people's Facebooks or blogs, so I am always humbled when friends take the time to share encouragement with me.

Randomness...

~Sam got me a Keurig for Mother's Day and now that I have it, I can never go back. For about one day we said we were still going to buy bags of coffee to use, but then we slowly started trying out the sample Kcups that came with it and now the coffee we buy comes in boxes full of little cups that gloriously turn into coffee when you put them in the machine. So yay, Keurig for solving the problem of being too tired to make yourself a cup of coffee.

~It is amazing to me how strangers all read the same book about what you are supposed to say to a young Mom. During pregnancy it's some comment about your size such as.. "you're too small to be that far along or you're too huge to be only that far along." How all pregnant women can manage to be too small and too big in the eyes of a stranger makes no sense to me, because then who are they using as a point of reference? Now that I have two kids, people constantly say the same two things to me wherever I am:

      1) "You have your hands full!" This comment destroys any delusions I might have about looking super together in whatever store I'm in. I thought people only made this comment to you when you had several more kids than 2, so I'm thinking I'm making it look hard enough that the actual number doesn't matter.

      2) "Is the baby a boy or a girl? Oh, two boys, you'll get your girl when you have your next baby." I cannot believe how many people have said this to us. First of all, if my hands are so full already, why are you encouraging me to have more kids and second of all, since when is the magic number to get a girl 3 kids instead of 2? And, no, I will not be having another child just because I'm sure this time it will be a girl.

~How do babies know exactly when you are about to eat, clean something or take a nap and decide to wake up?

For this child I prayed...

The older I get, the more I appreciate how raw and real the Bible is. This week I've been reading in 1 Samuel and the awesome thing about God's word is that even though I've read it before, something often strikes me that I never really noticed. I was reading about Hannah and how she prayed to God for years and years for him to give her a baby. At his point in my life I have known so many people who have walked this painful road and prayed this desperate prayer. I love that our pain is not new to God or ever surprising to him and I love his faithfulness throughout history to so many who have struggled through this life before us.

I think this passage particularly struck me because last year this time we were going on several months of unsuccessful trying for baby number 2 and I was really struggling to let go of my plan and to be willing to be content with whatever number of kids God decided to give me biologically, even if it would be one. I've been reflecting a lot on God's faithfulness over this past year as I look at my precious second baby.

I think the wait has changed my perspective on having two kids. If it had happened as easily as it did the first time, I think there would probably be more "woe is me..I have two little children and it's hard" moments and less, "my arms are full of babies and that is not promised to us in this life". Looking back over this year, I'm thankful for the wait, I'm thankful for God's timing and for an opportunity to see that God always has a plan and his plan is always better than mine. So that's why this verse particularly stuck out to me as I read it this week.

"For this child I prayed, and the Lord has granted me my petition that I made to him. Therefore I have lent him to the Lord. As long as he lives, he is lent to the Lord."

This is also a great reminder to me that God loves my children more than I ever can and that ultimately they are his. I want to hold on so tightly to them and I definitely need this reminder that they are not mine, but are in fact in the much safer and more capable hands of Someone greater.