I just had my groceries delivered to my car at Harris Teeter. It was amazing. I ordered them online the other day, drove up, told them my name and they loaded them in. My personal shopper called me this morning to tell me that she had made a couple substitutions for things that were on sale. Awesome. She said that she shopped for me just like she would shop for herself. I didn't have a membership card to get discounts and they had already filled out all the paperwork so that I could use my card today. I am very impressed. It's actually quite sad how excited I am about this. Guess that's what happens when you spend most of your time at home chilling in bed.
This is a wonderful contrast to driving to the commissary, inevitably getting blocked by someone standing in the entrance looking at their coupons or something while I'm trying to pass, maneuvering around the 539485708374894 people who are always there, no matter when I go, not being able to get to the things I want to get to because some lady with her two carts and 10 kids is standing in the aisle agonizing about which product is the best deal and either having contractions or worrying about having contractions the whole time. I could get used to this....
Monday, June 28, 2010
Friday, June 25, 2010
Thoughts from my bed...
I almost missed Dahlgren for a second this week. I was thinking about how when I first started this blog, I had lots of funny stories to share about our Dahlgren experience. I don't have any funny things to share right now, so for that reason I missed Dahlgren a little, teensy, tiny bit, for about a mili-second.
Having contractions was not a one time thing. I had a follow up doctor's appointment on Monday and she said that I will most likely not be contraction free until Joel is born. She limited my activity further than exercise and travel, to basically nothing that requires standing for any long period of time. I'm allowed to go to the grocery store, do some laundry and dishes, and that's about it. No beach, no cleaning, no shopping. Also, I'm supposed to stop whatever I'm doing if it happens to cause contractions, which seems to be just about anything besides laying in my bed.
I've had very mixed emotions this week as the reality of this all sets in. When I feel normal and not in pain, everything seems ok. When I'm feeling pain and contractions, it seems very not ok. It feels terrifying at those moments. As you know, fear and worry have been my companions since the beginning (to my marriage bible study friends, picture Sherri and some awesome hand motions). I'm terrified of having a premature baby, and all the complications that go along with that. I'm terrified that this will happen again in future pregnancies. I'm working on taking things one day at a time and not worrying about the future. This week has actually flown by. It's amazing how busy you can be doing nothing.
In a mild way, I feel like I have undergone somewhat of a grieving process this week. I'm grieving the loss of an ideal. This wasn't supposed to happen. Things were supposed to be simple and uncomplicated. I was supposed to be a pregnancy rock star. It's a hit on my ego to have this happen, because it makes me feel like a failure as a woman. I feel like I'm a failure in carrying my child. I have felt angry this week. I've felt angry at drivers on the road, angry at people at the car dealership who took the comfy seat I wanted while I waited for an oil change. I have felt loss when I drive by the park where I like to walk or the gym I where like to work out. I realize how much I rely on these things to satisfy and fulfill me and it hurts to let them go.
I want to use this summer to learn whatever God is trying to teach me through this. I don't want to become bitter, angry and self-pitying. I have an definite issue with perfectionism and I think that God is trying to remind me to rely on him instead of my attempts to keep things together. Instead of being angry and fighting back in my heart, I want to let God soften and mold my heart to be more gentle, restful and accepting of failure, my own and other people's. Another thing I've been reminded of in the last week is that I'm a brat. I want things to go my way and I'm going to have a tantrum if they don't. I have an opportunity this summer to become intimate with a whole other side of God. God who is with me in the hard times, not just God who blesses me and makes everything go well.
If I can muster up the courage to be this vulnerable on a blog that the whole world can see, I'm planning to continue to share my thoughts and struggles as I spend my summer mostly in my bed. These posts will probably be long and not super entertaining, so feel free to read along, or not. It's helpful for me to write out my thoughts and I want to be able to look back later at this time and see where God has brought me.
Having contractions was not a one time thing. I had a follow up doctor's appointment on Monday and she said that I will most likely not be contraction free until Joel is born. She limited my activity further than exercise and travel, to basically nothing that requires standing for any long period of time. I'm allowed to go to the grocery store, do some laundry and dishes, and that's about it. No beach, no cleaning, no shopping. Also, I'm supposed to stop whatever I'm doing if it happens to cause contractions, which seems to be just about anything besides laying in my bed.
I've had very mixed emotions this week as the reality of this all sets in. When I feel normal and not in pain, everything seems ok. When I'm feeling pain and contractions, it seems very not ok. It feels terrifying at those moments. As you know, fear and worry have been my companions since the beginning (to my marriage bible study friends, picture Sherri and some awesome hand motions). I'm terrified of having a premature baby, and all the complications that go along with that. I'm terrified that this will happen again in future pregnancies. I'm working on taking things one day at a time and not worrying about the future. This week has actually flown by. It's amazing how busy you can be doing nothing.
In a mild way, I feel like I have undergone somewhat of a grieving process this week. I'm grieving the loss of an ideal. This wasn't supposed to happen. Things were supposed to be simple and uncomplicated. I was supposed to be a pregnancy rock star. It's a hit on my ego to have this happen, because it makes me feel like a failure as a woman. I feel like I'm a failure in carrying my child. I have felt angry this week. I've felt angry at drivers on the road, angry at people at the car dealership who took the comfy seat I wanted while I waited for an oil change. I have felt loss when I drive by the park where I like to walk or the gym I where like to work out. I realize how much I rely on these things to satisfy and fulfill me and it hurts to let them go.
I want to use this summer to learn whatever God is trying to teach me through this. I don't want to become bitter, angry and self-pitying. I have an definite issue with perfectionism and I think that God is trying to remind me to rely on him instead of my attempts to keep things together. Instead of being angry and fighting back in my heart, I want to let God soften and mold my heart to be more gentle, restful and accepting of failure, my own and other people's. Another thing I've been reminded of in the last week is that I'm a brat. I want things to go my way and I'm going to have a tantrum if they don't. I have an opportunity this summer to become intimate with a whole other side of God. God who is with me in the hard times, not just God who blesses me and makes everything go well.
If I can muster up the courage to be this vulnerable on a blog that the whole world can see, I'm planning to continue to share my thoughts and struggles as I spend my summer mostly in my bed. These posts will probably be long and not super entertaining, so feel free to read along, or not. It's helpful for me to write out my thoughts and I want to be able to look back later at this time and see where God has brought me.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Last year today...
I've been reflecting tonight on how much has changed since last year. Last year on this day Sam and I were in Hawaii on pre-deployment leave. I was planning to get my master's degree in education and having a baby was several years away. Tonight as I reminisced, I looked back at our Hawaii pictures and I looked so THIN!!! I know my body has changed a ton, but it has been gradual, so it's really only when I look back at pictures that I see how drastic the change is.
Last year:
This year:
My body is certainly not the only thing that's changed. It was actually on our Hawaii trip that we decided that the timing was right for a baby and wrong for a masters. I am so glad that we made this decision and that God chose to bless us with a baby.
Though pregnancy and the idea of being a parent is exciting and wonderful and such a blessing, it is also hard. I am sitting here tonight struggling as I feel like all my coping mechanisms are being taken away for the moment. I like to be self sufficient, efficient, in shape and in control. When I'm faced with situations that are out of control, such as the stress and unknown of Navy life, my favorite coping techniques are exercising and staying in shape and bringing order to the things I can control. I usually try to have as little down time as possible, so that I have little time to think about whatever is stressing me out. Right now, I need to sacrifice those coping mechanisms for the sake of my child. It's hard. It's very hard for me to sit still and relax, especially when I'm stressed out about the future.
At church today, our pastor talked about how as middle class American Christians, we don't need Jesus very much. We get angry when we aren't comfortable and when things don't go our way. We like to have Jesus in our back pocket just in case, but we really are looking to the things of this world to satisfy and fulfill us. This resonated with me, because through this experience of having to take it easy to avoid having more issues with contractions, I have really had to face the things that I generally rely on to make me feel fulfilled and satisfied. I feel totally out of control of my body, and Sam's schedule and of many other aspects of the future. I have felt grumpy and angry that things aren't going the way I want them to and that I have to deal with this. I need to be putting my hope in Christ and in his promise that through his death and resurrection, one day he will make all things right. My hope should not be in my weight, my clean house, or my productivity or self-sufficiency. It is painful to let go of these things though! I have so many, many things to be thankful for, but this process is hard and painful and I want to share that part with you as well.
Many things may have changed in a year, but one thing that remains the same is that I have a savior who loved me so much that he came to this earth and suffered unimaginable pain in every way and took my sins upon himself, so that one day I will be able to spend eternity with God, where there is no more brokenness, fear, loneliness, pain or sin. Though my heart still feels burdened with the unknowns of my future, I am comforted in knowing this truth.
Last year:
This year:
My body is certainly not the only thing that's changed. It was actually on our Hawaii trip that we decided that the timing was right for a baby and wrong for a masters. I am so glad that we made this decision and that God chose to bless us with a baby.
Though pregnancy and the idea of being a parent is exciting and wonderful and such a blessing, it is also hard. I am sitting here tonight struggling as I feel like all my coping mechanisms are being taken away for the moment. I like to be self sufficient, efficient, in shape and in control. When I'm faced with situations that are out of control, such as the stress and unknown of Navy life, my favorite coping techniques are exercising and staying in shape and bringing order to the things I can control. I usually try to have as little down time as possible, so that I have little time to think about whatever is stressing me out. Right now, I need to sacrifice those coping mechanisms for the sake of my child. It's hard. It's very hard for me to sit still and relax, especially when I'm stressed out about the future.
At church today, our pastor talked about how as middle class American Christians, we don't need Jesus very much. We get angry when we aren't comfortable and when things don't go our way. We like to have Jesus in our back pocket just in case, but we really are looking to the things of this world to satisfy and fulfill us. This resonated with me, because through this experience of having to take it easy to avoid having more issues with contractions, I have really had to face the things that I generally rely on to make me feel fulfilled and satisfied. I feel totally out of control of my body, and Sam's schedule and of many other aspects of the future. I have felt grumpy and angry that things aren't going the way I want them to and that I have to deal with this. I need to be putting my hope in Christ and in his promise that through his death and resurrection, one day he will make all things right. My hope should not be in my weight, my clean house, or my productivity or self-sufficiency. It is painful to let go of these things though! I have so many, many things to be thankful for, but this process is hard and painful and I want to share that part with you as well.
Many things may have changed in a year, but one thing that remains the same is that I have a savior who loved me so much that he came to this earth and suffered unimaginable pain in every way and took my sins upon himself, so that one day I will be able to spend eternity with God, where there is no more brokenness, fear, loneliness, pain or sin. Though my heart still feels burdened with the unknowns of my future, I am comforted in knowing this truth.
Friday, June 18, 2010
How quickly things can change...
I experienced my first pregnancy complication yesterday. Get ready for a long post, while I process everything that happened. I woke up at 1:30am on Wednesday feeling uncomfortable and a little like I was having some cramping. I got up and drank water, watched some Jon and Kate plus 8 (I have the old seasons where they were Jon and Kate), googled what contractions felt like and agonized about whether I should go somewhere. Going out at 3 in the morning to have them tell me I was having indigestion didn't sound real appealing so I decided to wait it out until morning and call my Dr. Around 5am, I finally fell asleep again and figured that if it felt better when I woke up, I would chalk it up to another random pregnancy ache and pain. Unfortunately, it didn't really feel better when I woke up, so then I started to really get concerned. I called my Dr. and they said to come in and do a Non-Stress Test, which monitors the baby's heartbeat and monitors for contractions. I did the test at the Dr. and they told me that it was picking up contractions, so they were going to send me to the hospital for more monitoring. I certainly shed some tears yesterday, because that was not the news I was hoping to get. I was upset about having to go to my Dr., much less the hospital! They checked my cervix before I went and said there was no change and that it was closed and doing everything it should be doing, so that was comforting. My sweet friend Heather didn't miss a beat when I asked her to meet me there. She lives about 5 minutes away and so it worked out perfectly for her to come. (I have to give credit to my friend Courtney as well who had told me from early on in the day that she would come whenever I needed her. She was a comforting and supportive voice throughout the day!).
At the hospital, they hooked me up to the same monitoring machine again and gave me IV fluids and some medicine to stop the contractions. The nurse was so sweet and it made me excited to have my baby there (preferably in 12 weeks!). She told me that what the machine was picking up could barely be called contractions; they were mini-contractions but that they still needed to be stopped. They didn't stop after the first medicine, so I got some more and finally they slowed down and I could go home. They also ran a test which can tell what the chances are of going into preterm labor within the next two weeks and that was negative, which means I have a slim to none chance of going into actual preterm labor. She checked my cervix again and still no change, so that was all wonderful news. My parents were on their way when I left the hospital, so that was comforting as well.
I asked why this happened and they said they don't really know. They said it could keep happening throughout the rest of my pregnancy or it could never happen again. They said the uterus can just get irritated basically from having something inside and kicking at it constantly. My baby Joel is one active little dude, which was noted by all yesterday, and so I guess my uterus doesn't like that too much. For now, I'm not supposed to exercise or travel, which as many of you know has some big implications for the rest of my summer (the travel, not so much the exercise, though I'm disappointed about that too). I haven't felt too sad about those restrictions yet, I think partly because for now I'm just so relieved that everything is ok and also because it seems a small price to pay and a very temporary price to pay to have a healthy baby. They also may lift those restrictions if I don't have any more activity, but it didn't sound promising yesterday.
Though it was upsetting and still is upsetting, I have so much to be thankful for. I'm thankful for a good OB doctor, who takes things seriously. I'm thankful that I got over my stupid fear of looking like I was overreacting and went in yesterday. I'm glad that I got to hear my baby's heartbeat for hours yesterday. I'm so so so thankful that he is still in my belly and looks like he will be for a while. I'm thankful for my sweet husband who was so calming and supportive yesterday and for sweet friends and family who called, texted and cared for me yesterday. I'm thankful for my family, who was willing to drop everything and come.
I realized yet again yesterday how deeply and protectively I love this little life inside me. The thought of losing him or having to see him experience pain and suffering (such as being born at 28 weeks) was heavy on my mind yesterday. I'm thankful that God chose to spare us from that right now. Pregnancy is hard and scary and annoying at many times, but I have a new gratitude for the opportunity to carry this little guy and to be able to be his mom. I'd appreciate your prayers for a smooth rest of my pregnancy and for peace about my probable change in summer plans. I could not ask for better support here and for a better family and husband. I am so blessed!
On a side note, I am not looking forward to knowing what real contractions feel like. I felt pretty uncomfortable yesterday and that was nothing... a good reason not to wish away the next 12 weeks!
At the hospital, they hooked me up to the same monitoring machine again and gave me IV fluids and some medicine to stop the contractions. The nurse was so sweet and it made me excited to have my baby there (preferably in 12 weeks!). She told me that what the machine was picking up could barely be called contractions; they were mini-contractions but that they still needed to be stopped. They didn't stop after the first medicine, so I got some more and finally they slowed down and I could go home. They also ran a test which can tell what the chances are of going into preterm labor within the next two weeks and that was negative, which means I have a slim to none chance of going into actual preterm labor. She checked my cervix again and still no change, so that was all wonderful news. My parents were on their way when I left the hospital, so that was comforting as well.
I asked why this happened and they said they don't really know. They said it could keep happening throughout the rest of my pregnancy or it could never happen again. They said the uterus can just get irritated basically from having something inside and kicking at it constantly. My baby Joel is one active little dude, which was noted by all yesterday, and so I guess my uterus doesn't like that too much. For now, I'm not supposed to exercise or travel, which as many of you know has some big implications for the rest of my summer (the travel, not so much the exercise, though I'm disappointed about that too). I haven't felt too sad about those restrictions yet, I think partly because for now I'm just so relieved that everything is ok and also because it seems a small price to pay and a very temporary price to pay to have a healthy baby. They also may lift those restrictions if I don't have any more activity, but it didn't sound promising yesterday.
Though it was upsetting and still is upsetting, I have so much to be thankful for. I'm thankful for a good OB doctor, who takes things seriously. I'm thankful that I got over my stupid fear of looking like I was overreacting and went in yesterday. I'm glad that I got to hear my baby's heartbeat for hours yesterday. I'm so so so thankful that he is still in my belly and looks like he will be for a while. I'm thankful for my sweet husband who was so calming and supportive yesterday and for sweet friends and family who called, texted and cared for me yesterday. I'm thankful for my family, who was willing to drop everything and come.
I realized yet again yesterday how deeply and protectively I love this little life inside me. The thought of losing him or having to see him experience pain and suffering (such as being born at 28 weeks) was heavy on my mind yesterday. I'm thankful that God chose to spare us from that right now. Pregnancy is hard and scary and annoying at many times, but I have a new gratitude for the opportunity to carry this little guy and to be able to be his mom. I'd appreciate your prayers for a smooth rest of my pregnancy and for peace about my probable change in summer plans. I could not ask for better support here and for a better family and husband. I am so blessed!
On a side note, I am not looking forward to knowing what real contractions feel like. I felt pretty uncomfortable yesterday and that was nothing... a good reason not to wish away the next 12 weeks!
Monday, June 14, 2010
3rd Trimester...Wow.
I will be starting my 3rd trimester tomorrow. This is so crazy to me. When I read my weekly updates about what's going on with the baby and what to be thinking about, they are starting to focus more and more on labor and delivery and preparing to have the baby. At my last OB appointment, the nurse asked if I'd picked a pediatrician yet and sent in my paperwork to the hospital. My response was, "It's time to do that already??". She said yes. Joel is moving like crazy these days. My doctor told me I needed to start doing kick counts this week (monitoring how long it takes to feel him move 10 times). She said to call if I don't feel him move 10 times in 4 hours. Well this morning, I counted 10 movements in about 2 minutes. I haven't slept well at all the last several nights and I'm afraid this may become more and more the norm as I get more uncomfortable and have more things on my mind. I seem to feel extremely sleepy at very inappropriate times, such as 5 in the evening and then not so sleepy at times like 1, 2 and 4 am. I'm hoping this bizarre schedule will pay off when Joel is born and I'm awake at all those wonderful middle of the night hours anyway.
I'm feeling frustrated and somewhat unsure of what to do about choosing a pediatrician. My Dr. told me that I can't take my baby home without a pediatrician, so I called Tricare today to figure out how it works to choose one. She told me that I can use anyone within the network for the first 60 days and then once I enroll Joel in Tricare Prime, they will assign me one, probably at a military facility. I have been super spoiled so far in my Tricare experience, in that I have never had to go to a military doctor for anything. Even my OB is civilian and I love it. I was really hoping to have a civilian with Joel as well. I've had enough experience dealing with military medicine through Sam and heard enough stories to know that I want a civilian if at all possible. The part that mostly frustrates me though is that I will probably have to change doctor's from when Joel is born to when he is fully enrolled in Tricare. I worked at a pediatrician's office for a year and a half and set up many new baby appointments, so I know how this works in the civilian world. I had visions of meeting with the pediatrician beforehand and checking out the office to make sure that I like the Dr. and the atmosphere. I'm not so excited about seeing one person for the first few visits and then having to start all over somewhere else. I would love some advice from other military mom's who have gone through this. Is it better to use Tricare standard? How did it work for you when your baby was first born? I'd love any advice any of you have to offer!
I'm feeling frustrated and somewhat unsure of what to do about choosing a pediatrician. My Dr. told me that I can't take my baby home without a pediatrician, so I called Tricare today to figure out how it works to choose one. She told me that I can use anyone within the network for the first 60 days and then once I enroll Joel in Tricare Prime, they will assign me one, probably at a military facility. I have been super spoiled so far in my Tricare experience, in that I have never had to go to a military doctor for anything. Even my OB is civilian and I love it. I was really hoping to have a civilian with Joel as well. I've had enough experience dealing with military medicine through Sam and heard enough stories to know that I want a civilian if at all possible. The part that mostly frustrates me though is that I will probably have to change doctor's from when Joel is born to when he is fully enrolled in Tricare. I worked at a pediatrician's office for a year and a half and set up many new baby appointments, so I know how this works in the civilian world. I had visions of meeting with the pediatrician beforehand and checking out the office to make sure that I like the Dr. and the atmosphere. I'm not so excited about seeing one person for the first few visits and then having to start all over somewhere else. I would love some advice from other military mom's who have gone through this. Is it better to use Tricare standard? How did it work for you when your baby was first born? I'd love any advice any of you have to offer!
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Brunswick, Maine
We have started the next phase of our Navy adventure. I had no idea what to expect in Maine. Someone told Sam there was a twin bed in the BOQ and nothing to do up here. I figured it could be even worse than Dahlgren. We drove up to Brunswick, Maine yesterday. We were ecstatic to find that this place is amazing! The scenery is gorgeous, there are quaint little towns all around and our room is amazing. There is a Starbucks and a Borders within a mile. There are about 15 places to eat ice cream and tons of other places to eat real meals.
We are very easily excited about things like this, after our Dahlgren experience. Even if Sam has long hours, I think I can find plenty to do here to entertain myself.
Our room is spotless. The beds are twin, but since there are two we created one bigger bed.
We have a normal sized refrigerator and freezer,
a nice sink and counter,
and a normal sized vanity and shower.
We have two desks and plenty of space.
I'm not afraid I'll get lead poisoning from the blow dryer here. It is amazing.
The weather here is absolutely perfect for my pregnant self. No humidity and temperatures in the 60's and 70's. Normally I would probably think that was a little on the cold side for summer, but it feels heavenly right now. Words can't even describe how much better this place is than Dahlgren. I am very happily surprised by how wonderful it is here. Sadly, this base is in the process of being closed down. If anyone asked for my opinion, I'd say close down Dahlgren and use this base instead! Unfortunately, no one asks my opinion about these things. I'll enjoy being here while I can though.
If you don't think these pictures are exciting, check out my January post about Dahlgren and you will understand.
We are very easily excited about things like this, after our Dahlgren experience. Even if Sam has long hours, I think I can find plenty to do here to entertain myself.
Our room is spotless. The beds are twin, but since there are two we created one bigger bed.
We have a normal sized refrigerator and freezer,
a nice sink and counter,
and a normal sized vanity and shower.
We have two desks and plenty of space.
I'm not afraid I'll get lead poisoning from the blow dryer here. It is amazing.
The weather here is absolutely perfect for my pregnant self. No humidity and temperatures in the 60's and 70's. Normally I would probably think that was a little on the cold side for summer, but it feels heavenly right now. Words can't even describe how much better this place is than Dahlgren. I am very happily surprised by how wonderful it is here. Sadly, this base is in the process of being closed down. If anyone asked for my opinion, I'd say close down Dahlgren and use this base instead! Unfortunately, no one asks my opinion about these things. I'll enjoy being here while I can though.
If you don't think these pictures are exciting, check out my January post about Dahlgren and you will understand.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
6 years
A lot can happen in six years. On this day, six years ago, Sam and I went to Junior Senior together.
I remember that night like it was yesterday. After the formal dinner, we went to downtown Annapolis with our good friends. I can vividly picture the spot where we first held hands.
In the past six years we have:
Graduated from highschool,
(Lauren's graduation party)
been on a mission trip to Romania together,
gotten engaged and married,
commissioned into the Navy,
graduated from college,
(Unfortunately Sam was underway during my graduation)
and of course, gotten pregnant,
A lot of major life changes have taken place in the last six years and I am so blessed to have been able to experience them all with my best friend. God has been so faithful to us.
I remember that night like it was yesterday. After the formal dinner, we went to downtown Annapolis with our good friends. I can vividly picture the spot where we first held hands.
In the past six years we have:
Graduated from highschool,
(Lauren's graduation party)
been on a mission trip to Romania together,
gotten engaged and married,
commissioned into the Navy,
graduated from college,
(Unfortunately Sam was underway during my graduation)
and of course, gotten pregnant,
A lot of major life changes have taken place in the last six years and I am so blessed to have been able to experience them all with my best friend. God has been so faithful to us.
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