Home.

I've been thinking a lot about the concept of "home" lately. What makes something feel like home? How do we achieve that feeling of comfort, security and peace that makes us feel at home? I've been longing for a physical place that represents home for a while. In some ways, nowhere we lived in Norfolk ever really felt like home, because Sam was missing so much of the time and because I came and went a lot too. We moved a few times while we were there, so I didn't have much of an emotional attachment to any physical location in particular. What I did have there was 4 years worth of time, friends and experiences. Are those the things that should lead to a feeling of "home"?

Here in Florida, we have basically a dream house to call home. We were out of town for a few days last week and I was so looking forward to coming home and getting completely settled. We got home on Monday night, and when we got here, the storm track for Hurricane Irene was coming directly toward us. I was feeling so upset that I wasn't able to enjoy that feeling of being home because I was afraid that it was all going to go away. It only takes one hurricane to destroy all the work we've put into this place and the order that I've been so longing for, particularly over this past year. On a similar note, though I love this house and it feels so much more homey than anywhere we've ever lived, because we own it, I am missing the security and comfort of community, that embodies the concept of home to me.

Both of these things are painful reminders that this earth is not our home. We have a home waiting for us in heaven, where I will feel completely and 100 percent fulfilled. This physical location will never provide that for me. A great community of friends and family will never provide that for me. Thankfully, it looks like we're going to be missed by the hurricane this time. Now, I'm keeping an eye on Irene as I think of my friends and family in Maryland and Virginia. Life can feel so chaotic and out of control and I've been trying to turn my eyes toward my Savior and the eternal communion with him that is coming. It sure is hard though. My heart constantly longs to be fulfilled here and now and wants the same for those I love.

And since I'm talking about home..here are a few pictures for those of you who aren't on Facebook.

Backyard


Dining Room


Front View


Joel enjoying his new house


I know I've posted this verse several times before, but I love it and find it so encouraging, so I'm going to share it again.
"Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away."

We made it.

So we’re here in our new home. It’s been a whirlwind of a week! Last week already feels like a different lifetime. God has been so good to us in this entire move. First of all, our movers ended up coming a day early last week (Thursday instead of Friday), which made everything so much smoother. Everything was all moved out by last Thursday night and we were able to take our time cleaning and packing that evening. We ate pizza on the floor and slept on our air mattress in our apartment. Joel woke up bright and early on Friday morning (5am) and so we got an early start to our drive. We stopped for the weekend in Charleston, SC on the way down. I visited a friend there a couple years ago while Sam was underway, and I’ve been wanting to bring him there ever since. The weather was a little less ideal this time…I went in the early spring last time and it was a little cooler than August, but we still had fun. On Sunday, we headed the rest of the way to Florida. The trip was so incredibly smooth. We followed each other the whole way. We never hit any traffic. It rained for maybe 10 minutes off and on the whole trip and Joel did great. He probably fussed for 5 minutes during the whole 14 hours. His sleep has definitely been a little wacky, but he has been such a trooper.

We closed on our house on Monday. Once again, super smooth. It was kind of hard to believe it was that easy. After all the paperwork and stress about if everything would work out, that day was so simple. Coming into our very first house was such an amazing feeling. I still can’t believe that we get to live here. Joel was adorable as he crawled around and squealed in delight at all the ceiling fans. There is one in pretty much every room and he was so excited to see so many of them. We’ve been working really hard cleaning and working on some projects while we wait for our stuff to get here. Sam worked in the yard for a while yesterday and it looks amazing. I’m so proud of him. We also changed out some knobs on our cabinets, and I can’t believe how much of a difference it makes. All these little things are making the house feel more like ours. I’m really anxious to have our stuff though! Our neighbors across the street brought us brownies the other day. So sweet! I always imagined that happening in a neighborhood!

In the midst of my excitement about our house, I have also felt the distance from friends and family at times. Sadness seems to hit at the most random times. I thought I’d be really sad actually driving away from Norfolk, but strangely, I didn’t really feel too much at that point. Since then, I’ve had random times where I felt super sad and lonely and then, thanks to God’s gracious comfort, provision and peace, I feel excited and grateful to be here and be with my husband again. Yesterday morning was one of the times I felt the most sad and God used some little things to cheer me up. I went to the grocery store for the first time (and I was feeling so homesick, I actually missed the commissary…that should tell you something) and found that they have peppermint mocha creamer, which I love love love in my coffee. They never had it at the commissary, or anywhere else I shopped on a regular basis in Virginia, so I’m so excited that I can have consistent access to it (what can I say, I’m easily pleased..) Another strange thing that really lifted my spirits was working in the yard while Joel napped yesterday. I weeded the flower beds in our front yard and there was something really fulfilling about getting my hands dirty and making my yard more beautiful. Yesterday morning I prayed that God would give me strength and comfort and I saw how he totally did throughout the day. I’m sure there will be more sad times, but I feel like I made it over one hump in this transition. I know that so many of you are praying for us and we can totally see the answers to your prayers. Thank you and please keep it up! We have really spotty internet access right now, and no furniture, but we will post pictures soon!

A big change..

It has been way too long since I wrote anything on here. These past couple months have been crazy. We have been traveling a lot and figuring out the details of some big changes. One reason I haven't been blogging is because I've been spending my time between travels unpacking, cleaning and having play dates, but another reason is that I wasn't ready to announce our next step officially quite yet. Sam will be leaving his ship in the next few months and starting a job in Florida this fall.

This decision has been emotional for me over the past couple months. I am so excited for Sam and for the opportunities that this move provides for him. We love the area where we are moving and will be living in our first home there (assuming all goes well). This past weekend we looked at 16 houses in one day and over the next few days made a decision about which house we wanted, put in an offer and got it accepted. We are so excited for Joel to have a backyard, a driveway and a safe neighborhood with sidewalks to grow up in. We are sick of apartment living and can't wait to own our own place. Our yard will have several palm trees in it and a huge screened in patio where we can sit in the evening and enjoy a cool breeze from the ocean. (Want to come visit yet??)

On the other side of things, I have grown pretty attached to our life here and have some dear friends who I'm really going to miss. I know it's going to hurt to say goodbye. It was painful to move away from Blacksburg and we only lived there for 10 months. We have been here for 4 years. I graduated from college here, we had a baby here, we started and ended our time in the Navy here. I think my fellow new mom friends will always be special to me, because we started this journey of motherhood together.

I've been wanting to write about how faithful God has been to us in all of this. We weren't really sure if any of this was going go work out, but God has worked out the details so smoothly. When we went to Florida for Sam to interview in May, we prayed that God would make the decision clear. We felt like the trip could not have gone any smoother. The job was everything we were hoping for and we loved the area. This time, once again, God led us as we tried to make a huge decision in a short amount of time and we have seen his care for us and his provision so clearly.

We'd appreciate your continued prayers as we move forward and as we face difficult goodbyes!

A glimpse of the beauty of Jesus

The Gospel is beautiful. Every once in a while, I really "get" it. So often I am caught up in the business of life, the confusion of how all of these doctrines are supposed to look in my life and I miss Jesus. I treasure these quiet moments where the gospel moves from my head into my heart. This moment started when I was filling out the paperwork for membership at our church. One of the questions was basically, "if you died and sat before God, why should he let you into heaven"? As I answered that question, my heart was filled with gratefulness for the beauty of Jesus and what he has done for me.

I've been attending Women's Bible Study at church this spring and we've been studying Luke. The study is basically over now, so I've been rereading the book in an attempt to cement some of the truths that stuck out to me over these last few months. After working on my membership packet, I came to read about the crucifixion and was once again blown away by the beauty of Jesus.

I'm not even sure how to put into words the vastness of what it means that the God of the universe came down into our lives as a human, in order to sacrifice his life for our sins. I know I'm a sinner. I think that writing posts like my last two, where I'm being vulnerable and acknowledging my sins and struggles in a very public way reminds me of my desperate need for a Savior and for the beauty of having one. I've spent a lot of my life, though believing in Jesus for salvation, struggling against striving to gain God's favor in every day life. I do not handle failure well and I constantly want to pull myself up by my boot straps and try harder next time.

I love the story of Peter in Luke, where he tells Jesus that he would never betray him and Jesus gently and lovingly tells him that in fact, he will. And not just once, but 3 times. Yet God uses Peter in amazing ways to build up his church. Just in the two chapters I just read, the disciples fail Jesus several times. They miss the point over and over again, yet Jesus patiently and gently redirects their thoughts and attitudes towards himself and his kingdom.

I think Satan uses a sad and incredibly powerful tactic in the church, where he tricks us into thinking that we're actually pretty good now that we're Christians and even if we know we aren't, we should still act like we are. I mentioned this on here before, but I am determined to fight against this lie. The only way to truly appreciate and understand the grace that I have been shown is to acknowledge, to myself and to others how much I am in need of grace every minute of every day. I think it cheapens the gospel to put on a "righteous" front and pretend like I don't struggle. Who needs a savior if you have it all together on your own.

I also realized while I was working on my membership packet that I am so much better at communicating what I want to say in writing than in spoken words. So hence, the vast amount of written words on this blog. Thanks for sticking with me, my friends!

Why I don't want to clean my house too much.

First of all, thank you for the sweet and encouraging comments about my last post! I have more where that came from=)

I feel like I'm constantly trying to evaluate my priorities and the way I spend my time. I think about what kind of mom I want to be, what kind of wife, what kind of friend. Having a vision of who I want to be helps me see how things should fit together in the every day.

Sometimes though, I'm not sure how my goals all work together on a daily basis. I know I want to be godly, patient, kind to my husband, engaged and involved in my family. I want my kids to grow up in a home where there is order and cleanliness. I want to be in decent shape, for my own health and also for the sake of my husband. I want to be someone who isn't too busy for deep, real relationships that take time. I want to read the bible, pray and find rest in God consistently. But these things all take time and energy and I struggle to excel at them all.

I'm good at self discipline. As I've mentioned before, I'm a perfectionist, so routines, order and task orientation come naturally to me. The downside of that is that often the "routine" becomes more like an obsession and I tend to lose sight of what's really important. Yes, I can read my bible every day, check it off the list and berate myself if I fail to do it one day. I can exercise multiple times a week, out of fear of feeling fat and the loss of control that accompanies that feeling.

The thing is, I don't want to be that person. I don't want to be the mom who can't stop to play with my kid, because I'm in the middle of something. I don't want to spend this time of my life obsessing about how I look and how much I weigh. I don't want to get frustrated with my kids for making messes and doing normal things that kids do. I don't want to strive to gain God's favor by reading my bible, just so I can check it off the list.

Yet, I want to live a healthy lifestyle, both spiritually and physically. I am daily struggling to figure out how to pursue these goals to become the wife, mother and friend that God wants me to be, not the wife, mother and friend who has it "all together" on the outside.

Please don't stone me...

I have a long list of things that need to get done while Joel naps, but I'm choosing to ignore them for now and write a blog post, because I feel like my soul is craving something more mentally stimulating than dishes! Sometimes I feel like my life is consumed with mundane tasks. As soon as I clean up from one meal, it's time for another. As soon as I fold and put away one load of laundry, it's time to start another. And that doesn't even include bathrooms that need to be cleaned, mail that need to be organized, closets that could use some attention...

Being a mom is a strange thing. When you have a job, no one expects you to love every part of it, but for some reason, I feel like if I ever even let myself feel discontent with any part of motherhood, much less, say it out loud, it means I don't love my child or that I'm a horrible person.

I love reading blogs by other moms, because they make me feel like I'm not alone in some of these feelings. That I'm not the only one who gets drained and tired and grumpy sometimes and who longs for some uninterrupted grown up conversation. Or, some time alone in Barnes and Noble or on the beach with some coffee and a good book.

I am a huge perfectionist. I have a hard time acknowledging my imperfections to myself, much less to other people. I love it when people are authentic and open about the things that are hard in life, and I want to be that person. I don't want to spend my life running myself dry trying to keep up a perfect image. I don't believe we were called to live that way, yet I so often fail to be vulnerable, because I'm afraid of what people will think.

Sometimes I struggle with the way friendships are different now that I have a baby. I love the community and the fellowship that comes with being a mom. I have made so many new friends since having Joel and I'm so grateful for that! I love sharing experiences, getting advice and watching our babies interact. Sometimes though, I really miss being able to get to know someone at a deeper level, apart from the things we share as moms. Yet, at the same time, I'm not sure what I have to offer apart from that. I've been feeling insecure about the fact that I don't have something I'm good at, that makes money and makes me "more than just" a mom.

I'm dying to resolve this post with some great wisdom that makes me look like, despite the things I've shared, I've been there, done that and now I have it all together. I'm resisting that urge, for one thing, because it would make this post super long and no one would probably get to that part anyway, and because I want to be real and vulnerable and human. So this is the end=)

Seriously??

I think that no matter how carefully you choose a name for your child, you will discover things about the name that you wish you'd known before you destined your child to that name forever. We thought Joel was a pretty safe and simple name. I told people his name all through my pregnancy and people always responded with..oh Joel, that's a great name. I figured sharing his name during my pregnancy would eliminate any last minute revelations about something awkward associated with his name. Well, I was wrong.

Strangers talk to us ALL THE TIME when we go out. In the grocery store, in the mall, whether I like it or not, they always want to talk to the baby. And they usually ask what his name is and I say "Joel".

Then they usually respond with, "oh Jewel? What an interesting name..." I can not tell you how many people have thought I said Jewel. Yes, I named my son Jewel. Really?? I was at my doctor the other day and the lab tech specifically said.."not Joel, but Jewel right? I like that." I don't think she still got that his name was in fact Joel. A nice strong, masculine name, or so I thought.

Yesterday, in the commissary I got a new one. I tried really hard to make sure his name didn't sound like two syllables that would resemble anything like Jewel. So she got the one syllable part, but just missed the first letter. "Oh Dole..that's an interesting name." I didn't even correct her. I just tried to politely walk away as she went on and on about how if my baby was hers, she'd be putting his face on a cereal box. Maybe Dole would like to have his face there, but I'm not sure about my son, Joel.

Is Joel really that strange of a name that no one understands it? What is wrong with me that I can't say my son's name in a way that people understand? Has anyone else run into unexpected issues with their child's name??


Does he look like he would be named Jewel? I don't think so.