Joel's 1st birthday

I still can't really believe that my baby is one! He was just a little baby.




It's a little scary to think about how quickly he's going to grow up. I'm trying to cherish every moment that he's little and wants to be with me. He loves to hold my hand and walk around. (This is my attempt at taking a picture of him, without letting go of his hand.)



Lately, if I leave him in his play room to clean up the kitchen or something, he'll come find me and take me by the hand, back into the play room. It is so sweet. It makes it difficult to get things done sometimes, but I try to remember that before I know it, he will not exactly be going out of his way to be with me.

I am loving this age. It definitely has it's challenges, and sometimes I feel really nostalgic for the early days when I just got to cuddle him all the time, but overall, I am loving how interactive he is, and how much he's learning. I love watching his little personality develop.

Last year this time, I was frantically trying to nurse him, preparing for Sam to head back to Maine and crying a lot. Actually, it was last year today that Sam left and it was one of the hardest days of my life. Watching Sam say goodbye to his 5 day old son was absolutely heart breaking. Then Joel proceeded to cry for most of the night after Sam left. And things pretty much just went downhill from there for the next few weeks, before they got better. Anyway, I'm glad it's this year and not last year, even though it's a little sad to watch Joel grow up.

I wanted to share a few pictures from Joel's birthday. We didn't have a party, because we don't exactly have an abundance of friends here yet, but the day ended up being really fun anyway. We enjoyed our time as a family and we'll get to celebrate again this weekend when my family comes into town.

He started the day with his favorite, favorite food- blueberries!


Of course we had to include Chick fil a in our special day..


We played in his baby pool..


I tried all day to get a good picture of him...


Getting ready to give him his cake!




He liked the icing..


But not so much the cake.


I am so thankful, because I really thought I was going to feel sad on his birthday, missing friends and family, but I really enjoyed the day. I stayed up late decorating the night before and Joel walked around for half an hour the next morning, squealing and pointing at the decorations..such a joyful day and I'm so thankful that Sam could be there to celebrate with us!

And check out my post from yesterday about my recent revelation.

You'd think I'd know this by now..

I had a revelation this week. This should be obvious, but so often it isn't. I act more like Jesus when I spend more time with Him. I know that's shocking.

This move has been a hard transition for me. Connections with other moms haven't happened as quickly or obviously as I was hoping and I've had a bad attitude about it. I've been discouraged that my attitude wasn't more in line with where I knew it should be and I didn't know how to change it. I've placed unrealistic expectations on Sam, expecting him to fill a place in my soul that he can never fill. A friend gave me the link to this blog and after reading it, I'd been contemplating the idea of getting up early to spend time reading the Bible and praying. On Sunday morning, Joel woke up at 4am and took a little while to fall back asleep, so I decided that since I was already up, I would read and pray for a while.

I've only been doing this for 3 days now and it has been amazing. I feel like I've been depriving my soul and it is drinking in God's word and quiet time in His presence. And as a result of that sweet time with Jesus, who is the only perfect friend I will ever have, I have felt less lonely and sorry for myself and been able to appreciate the blessings I do have here. I'm praying and if you are willing you can pray along with me, that I will remember how wonderful and necessary it is to set aside more than a few minutes to read and pray, if I want to see change in my life and feel satisfied.

Life is Messy

And he told his disciples to have a boat ready for him because of the crowd, lest they crush him, for he had healed many, so that all who had diseases pressed around him to touch him. Mark 3:9-10

I've been thinking about messes a lot lately. Having an almost 1 year old around makes it easy to see that life tends towards chaos and disorder. Joel has recently discovered the cabinets in the kitchen. He loves to take all the Tupperware containers out and throw them all over the floor. He loves to take books off of shelves, toys out of bins, clothes out of the laundry basket..you name it, he loves to throw it everywhere. While I clean up one thing, he's somewhere else making another mess. Every meal consists of cleaning out his high chair, cleaning up the floor around his highchair and washing dishes. I spend the majority of every day fighting against messes.

When I think about it, I don't just spend my days fighting against chaos and disorder in my home, but also in other areas of my life. I really don't like it when things don't work like they should. I don't like the fact that life can be painful, lonely and hard even in the good times. I want things to work. I can have a really bad attitude in response to this reality. I get nostalgic about the past and how much better things used to be. I ignore relationships that are painful and difficult.

In light of this, I was struck by the image of Jesus being surrounded by people with diseases. I have no desire to have people crowding into me at all, much less people with all kinds of diseases. I picture loud, messy, hot, sweaty people all around me and I want to escape just thinking about it.

I need to love people better. I need to stop whining and complaining in my heart when things get crowded and messy. I know that I fail to do this constantly. So, I'm taking a minute to reflect on Jesus instead of myself. On what He has done, instead of what I need to do. I am that messy, nasty, diseased and sinful person in the crowd. Jesus willingly chose to leave heaven..where everything works just as it should..where he had perfect communion with his Father..where there is no brokenness, injustice or disease to come engage me here on this earth. I know that it's only in reflecting on this truth that I can cope with the constant messiness I see all around me in this world.

Home.

I've been thinking a lot about the concept of "home" lately. What makes something feel like home? How do we achieve that feeling of comfort, security and peace that makes us feel at home? I've been longing for a physical place that represents home for a while. In some ways, nowhere we lived in Norfolk ever really felt like home, because Sam was missing so much of the time and because I came and went a lot too. We moved a few times while we were there, so I didn't have much of an emotional attachment to any physical location in particular. What I did have there was 4 years worth of time, friends and experiences. Are those the things that should lead to a feeling of "home"?

Here in Florida, we have basically a dream house to call home. We were out of town for a few days last week and I was so looking forward to coming home and getting completely settled. We got home on Monday night, and when we got here, the storm track for Hurricane Irene was coming directly toward us. I was feeling so upset that I wasn't able to enjoy that feeling of being home because I was afraid that it was all going to go away. It only takes one hurricane to destroy all the work we've put into this place and the order that I've been so longing for, particularly over this past year. On a similar note, though I love this house and it feels so much more homey than anywhere we've ever lived, because we own it, I am missing the security and comfort of community, that embodies the concept of home to me.

Both of these things are painful reminders that this earth is not our home. We have a home waiting for us in heaven, where I will feel completely and 100 percent fulfilled. This physical location will never provide that for me. A great community of friends and family will never provide that for me. Thankfully, it looks like we're going to be missed by the hurricane this time. Now, I'm keeping an eye on Irene as I think of my friends and family in Maryland and Virginia. Life can feel so chaotic and out of control and I've been trying to turn my eyes toward my Savior and the eternal communion with him that is coming. It sure is hard though. My heart constantly longs to be fulfilled here and now and wants the same for those I love.

And since I'm talking about home..here are a few pictures for those of you who aren't on Facebook.

Backyard


Dining Room


Front View


Joel enjoying his new house


I know I've posted this verse several times before, but I love it and find it so encouraging, so I'm going to share it again.
"Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away."

We made it.

So we’re here in our new home. It’s been a whirlwind of a week! Last week already feels like a different lifetime. God has been so good to us in this entire move. First of all, our movers ended up coming a day early last week (Thursday instead of Friday), which made everything so much smoother. Everything was all moved out by last Thursday night and we were able to take our time cleaning and packing that evening. We ate pizza on the floor and slept on our air mattress in our apartment. Joel woke up bright and early on Friday morning (5am) and so we got an early start to our drive. We stopped for the weekend in Charleston, SC on the way down. I visited a friend there a couple years ago while Sam was underway, and I’ve been wanting to bring him there ever since. The weather was a little less ideal this time…I went in the early spring last time and it was a little cooler than August, but we still had fun. On Sunday, we headed the rest of the way to Florida. The trip was so incredibly smooth. We followed each other the whole way. We never hit any traffic. It rained for maybe 10 minutes off and on the whole trip and Joel did great. He probably fussed for 5 minutes during the whole 14 hours. His sleep has definitely been a little wacky, but he has been such a trooper.

We closed on our house on Monday. Once again, super smooth. It was kind of hard to believe it was that easy. After all the paperwork and stress about if everything would work out, that day was so simple. Coming into our very first house was such an amazing feeling. I still can’t believe that we get to live here. Joel was adorable as he crawled around and squealed in delight at all the ceiling fans. There is one in pretty much every room and he was so excited to see so many of them. We’ve been working really hard cleaning and working on some projects while we wait for our stuff to get here. Sam worked in the yard for a while yesterday and it looks amazing. I’m so proud of him. We also changed out some knobs on our cabinets, and I can’t believe how much of a difference it makes. All these little things are making the house feel more like ours. I’m really anxious to have our stuff though! Our neighbors across the street brought us brownies the other day. So sweet! I always imagined that happening in a neighborhood!

In the midst of my excitement about our house, I have also felt the distance from friends and family at times. Sadness seems to hit at the most random times. I thought I’d be really sad actually driving away from Norfolk, but strangely, I didn’t really feel too much at that point. Since then, I’ve had random times where I felt super sad and lonely and then, thanks to God’s gracious comfort, provision and peace, I feel excited and grateful to be here and be with my husband again. Yesterday morning was one of the times I felt the most sad and God used some little things to cheer me up. I went to the grocery store for the first time (and I was feeling so homesick, I actually missed the commissary…that should tell you something) and found that they have peppermint mocha creamer, which I love love love in my coffee. They never had it at the commissary, or anywhere else I shopped on a regular basis in Virginia, so I’m so excited that I can have consistent access to it (what can I say, I’m easily pleased..) Another strange thing that really lifted my spirits was working in the yard while Joel napped yesterday. I weeded the flower beds in our front yard and there was something really fulfilling about getting my hands dirty and making my yard more beautiful. Yesterday morning I prayed that God would give me strength and comfort and I saw how he totally did throughout the day. I’m sure there will be more sad times, but I feel like I made it over one hump in this transition. I know that so many of you are praying for us and we can totally see the answers to your prayers. Thank you and please keep it up! We have really spotty internet access right now, and no furniture, but we will post pictures soon!

A big change..

It has been way too long since I wrote anything on here. These past couple months have been crazy. We have been traveling a lot and figuring out the details of some big changes. One reason I haven't been blogging is because I've been spending my time between travels unpacking, cleaning and having play dates, but another reason is that I wasn't ready to announce our next step officially quite yet. Sam will be leaving his ship in the next few months and starting a job in Florida this fall.

This decision has been emotional for me over the past couple months. I am so excited for Sam and for the opportunities that this move provides for him. We love the area where we are moving and will be living in our first home there (assuming all goes well). This past weekend we looked at 16 houses in one day and over the next few days made a decision about which house we wanted, put in an offer and got it accepted. We are so excited for Joel to have a backyard, a driveway and a safe neighborhood with sidewalks to grow up in. We are sick of apartment living and can't wait to own our own place. Our yard will have several palm trees in it and a huge screened in patio where we can sit in the evening and enjoy a cool breeze from the ocean. (Want to come visit yet??)

On the other side of things, I have grown pretty attached to our life here and have some dear friends who I'm really going to miss. I know it's going to hurt to say goodbye. It was painful to move away from Blacksburg and we only lived there for 10 months. We have been here for 4 years. I graduated from college here, we had a baby here, we started and ended our time in the Navy here. I think my fellow new mom friends will always be special to me, because we started this journey of motherhood together.

I've been wanting to write about how faithful God has been to us in all of this. We weren't really sure if any of this was going go work out, but God has worked out the details so smoothly. When we went to Florida for Sam to interview in May, we prayed that God would make the decision clear. We felt like the trip could not have gone any smoother. The job was everything we were hoping for and we loved the area. This time, once again, God led us as we tried to make a huge decision in a short amount of time and we have seen his care for us and his provision so clearly.

We'd appreciate your continued prayers as we move forward and as we face difficult goodbyes!

A glimpse of the beauty of Jesus

The Gospel is beautiful. Every once in a while, I really "get" it. So often I am caught up in the business of life, the confusion of how all of these doctrines are supposed to look in my life and I miss Jesus. I treasure these quiet moments where the gospel moves from my head into my heart. This moment started when I was filling out the paperwork for membership at our church. One of the questions was basically, "if you died and sat before God, why should he let you into heaven"? As I answered that question, my heart was filled with gratefulness for the beauty of Jesus and what he has done for me.

I've been attending Women's Bible Study at church this spring and we've been studying Luke. The study is basically over now, so I've been rereading the book in an attempt to cement some of the truths that stuck out to me over these last few months. After working on my membership packet, I came to read about the crucifixion and was once again blown away by the beauty of Jesus.

I'm not even sure how to put into words the vastness of what it means that the God of the universe came down into our lives as a human, in order to sacrifice his life for our sins. I know I'm a sinner. I think that writing posts like my last two, where I'm being vulnerable and acknowledging my sins and struggles in a very public way reminds me of my desperate need for a Savior and for the beauty of having one. I've spent a lot of my life, though believing in Jesus for salvation, struggling against striving to gain God's favor in every day life. I do not handle failure well and I constantly want to pull myself up by my boot straps and try harder next time.

I love the story of Peter in Luke, where he tells Jesus that he would never betray him and Jesus gently and lovingly tells him that in fact, he will. And not just once, but 3 times. Yet God uses Peter in amazing ways to build up his church. Just in the two chapters I just read, the disciples fail Jesus several times. They miss the point over and over again, yet Jesus patiently and gently redirects their thoughts and attitudes towards himself and his kingdom.

I think Satan uses a sad and incredibly powerful tactic in the church, where he tricks us into thinking that we're actually pretty good now that we're Christians and even if we know we aren't, we should still act like we are. I mentioned this on here before, but I am determined to fight against this lie. The only way to truly appreciate and understand the grace that I have been shown is to acknowledge, to myself and to others how much I am in need of grace every minute of every day. I think it cheapens the gospel to put on a "righteous" front and pretend like I don't struggle. Who needs a savior if you have it all together on your own.

I also realized while I was working on my membership packet that I am so much better at communicating what I want to say in writing than in spoken words. So hence, the vast amount of written words on this blog. Thanks for sticking with me, my friends!