6 years

A lot can happen in six years. On this day, six years ago, Sam and I went to Junior Senior together.








I remember that night like it was yesterday. After the formal dinner, we went to downtown Annapolis with our good friends. I can vividly picture the spot where we first held hands.

In the past six years we have:

Graduated from highschool,

(Lauren's graduation party)

been on a mission trip to Romania together,


gotten engaged and married,




commissioned into the Navy,


graduated from college,



(Unfortunately Sam was underway during my graduation)

and of course, gotten pregnant,


A lot of major life changes have taken place in the last six years and I am so blessed to have been able to experience them all with my best friend. God has been so faithful to us.

Pregnancy is bizarre.

The bigger my belly gets, the more bizarre the whole thing feels. I often look down at my stomach and think, "Oh my gosh! I'm pregnant!". (Sam thinks this is very odd.) I don't think a guy can understand how strange it is to watch your own body transform into something totally different. I realized today that my hip bones have pretty much disappeared. After all the work I have put into keeping my abdomen flat and toned, it is strange and a tiny bit sad to watch all that disappear. Of course, I also love looking down and remembering that I really am pregnant. It's not in my imagination and there really is a baby growing in there.

In the past two weeks multiple random strangers have responded with some version of, "you don't even look pregnant!" when I tell them how far along I am. This is so bizarre to me, because I barely recognize my abdomen and I can't believe that this large bulge isn't noticeable to other people. I think it's supposed to be a compliment, but I want to look pregnant (not just like I have a big belly), so I don't really appreciate people telling me I don't. I've heard stories from many friends who have been pregnant about people saying they look huge or ready to pop. My mom said people always told her she looked too small for how pregnant she was. It's strange how either way, random strangers feel the need to tell you what they think about your belly. It's really a bizarre concept. What exactly does 21 weeks pregnant look like? How do random strangers know definitively what you are supposed to look like at a certain point? Apparently there is a secret standard among strangers as to how exactly your belly should look. I'm not sure what this standard is, because people always seem to mention that you either look small or big. Has anyone ever had a stranger come up to you and say that you look perfect for how far along you are? Maybe there are some nice strangers out there and I just haven't come across them yet. My friends and family on the other hand, have been wonderful about making me feel perfect. I really appreciate this! It's just those strangers I have to watch out for.

Another super bizarre thing about pregnancy is the little person moving inside of me. I still can't get over how strange it is to watch my belly move around on it's own. I often sit and read my bible after I get out of the shower and Joel consistently moves around a lot during this time. Every time, I get distracted from reading and just stare at my belly until it moves again. God sure did choose a bizarre way to bring new little humans into the world. It's amazing and miraculous and such a gift, but incredibly odd. After being pregnant, I'm not sure how anyone could say that there is no Creator. Why in the world would humans be formed this way if there wasn't a Creator with intelligence and maybe a slight sense of humor? No random collection of molecules could come up with this!

I have so many other friends who are going through this same bizarre process, which makes it so much more fun! I'm so excited for all the little friends Joel will have! I am convinced that this is the most fun time of life ever. My life becomes that much more exciting with every friend who joins me on this journey. I'm thankful to be experiencing this miraculous gift, bizarre as it may be.

No grace for our imaginations.

Sometimes the depth of love I feel for this little person inside me absolutely terrifies me. It's scary to love someone so much in a world that is broken and fallen. At bible study this morning, we talked about rejoicing in suffering. The lady who gave the talk told about some hardships she had experienced, such as losing a baby in the second trimester. I'm not sure that I heard anything she said for the rest of the talk. My mind was stuck on that statement and my heart was full of terror. What if that happens to me? What would I do? How could I cope? I love this little guy so much, I already can't imagine living without him. Whenever I hear the reminder that we will suffer in this life, I automatically start running through all the worst case scenarios I can think of and I feel sure that they will happen to me. I start thinking about what I would do to cope if one of these tragedies struck me. My heart becomes heavy and burdened and afraid. I lose the sense of joy and gratitude that I felt moments before. (And this is all while she is finishing the rest of her talk, probably saying things about trusting God and resting in his love for us, but I wouldn't know, because I was busy inventing tragedies for myself).

As my mind went down this familiar path, the reminder that God doesn't give us grace for our imaginations popped into my head. God doesn't call me to imagine all the suffering he might possibly have planned for me and prepare to deal with it. He calls me to be joyful in the circumstances I am experiencing right now. The opposite of rejoicing in suffering is not being sorrowful in good times, because I'm so afraid of losing the gifts that he's given me. Thankfully, he has not called me to walk a path of tragic suffering right now and therefore has also not given me the grace I would need to survive. God has given me some wonderful gifts right now, and I can glorify him by rejoicing in the gifts he has given me.

"Do not be deceived, my beloved brothers. Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is not variation or shadow due to change" James 1: 17. When times of suffering do come, I can remember that the God who gave me these good gifts has not changed. In the good times and the hard times, I can remember that He has been faithful to me over all these years and this will never change.


"Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart" Ps. 37: 4. When I delight myself in the Lord, his desires become my desires and I do not have to be afraid that life will not go my way.


"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand" Is. 41:10. God commands me not to be afraid and promises that he will give me everything I need to get through. He promises to be by my side and to take care of me. What do I have to be afraid of? I need to spend more time focusing on the truth that the God of the universe is by my side taking care of me and less time wondering what kind of suffering he will bring into my life.

People warned me about how deeply you love a child. They told me that life is never the same after you have this little person who you feel like you would die without. Sometimes I think it would be easier to never love anyone like that, so I would have nothing to fear. God doesn't call us to a life of fearful self-protection though. He sacrificed his own son for people who hated him because he loved us so much. He sent Jesus to die on the cross and to rise again so that we are free to live without fear. We have hope in this life, despite the brokenness, because someday God will make all things right. This hope is why I can give my heart to my husband and my son, without fear that it will break if I lose them. I can rejoice in the good and precious gifts that God has given me, because these are a small glimpse of the redeeming work that He is doing on this earth amidst the sin and brokenness.

"Fear not, O Zion; let not your hands grow weak. The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing" Zeph. 3:17.

It's a....

In case you missed my announcement on Facebook, we are having a BOY! Yes, this means that my intuition was completely wrong, but I am so excited. I couldn't go back to sleep after Sam left for work this morning, because I was daydreaming about what my son will be like (and how to decorate the nursery). I love knowing his gender. I don't know how anyone can stand to wait to find out. I feel so much more connected to him already. I love being able to pray for him by name and to talk about him as a boy and not as an "it" or a "she". I loved seeing his little personality during our ultrasound yesterday. The tech said he was very active, so he is just like his daddy already. He turned his face away for most of the ultrasound and after thinking about it, I decided that I would turn away too if something was pressing into me over and over again.

I feel no sense of regret over ruining the "surprise" at the birth. It will be enough of a surprise to see what our son looks like and to get to actually hold him when he is born. I am happy to have several months to plan and prepare to be the mother of a little boy. I feel a little more unsure of how to raise a boy than a girl. I know what it's like to be a girl, not so much to be a boy. I'm thankful for the wonderful daddy that Joel has, who will help him to become a godly man. I am looking forward to raising a son, though it intimidates me more than raising a daughter. I'm excited to see how our marriage will change and grow as we work together to raise Joel. I'm thankful that God gives us a baby first, so that we don't have to figure everything about parenting out at one time.

I also described to my doctor yesterday what I think is movement and she said I described exactly what it should feel like, so I'm getting very confident that those little pokes and tickles are my baby Joel's movements. I love this little guy so much already and so do many others. He is one loved little fellow. He has grandparents, great grandparents, uncles and aunts, great uncles and aunts, second cousins, and many friends who are very interested in his life. Being pregnant makes me even more thankful for the strong Christian grandparents and great-grandparents this little guy will have. I know he is covered in prayer and I love that all the people who are praying for him can use his name now. My greatest prayer for my son is that he will come to love Jesus at a very young age. I pray that God will use him for His kingdom in mighty ways. I praise God for his continuing goodness and faithfulness to us. We do not deserve his grace and kindness, yet he bestows it on us anyway. I am humbled and blessed by the precious gift of my baby boy.

A very happy birthday.

I had a such a fun birthday this weekend. We did not just celebrate for one day, but for three. Sam totally spoiled me the whole weekend and I felt like a queen. The weekend started when he brought me 2 dozen red roses on Friday evening. We were planning to have left overs for dinner, but instead we decided to go out. We tried to go to a seafood restaurant that I love, but it was closed, so we got pizza at the beach instead.


After pizza, we got Kohr bros. ice cream and ate it on the boardwalk. During this time, we passed two men yelling about the horrors of hell, as well as a crazy fight among a bunch of teenagers. We were happy to make it out alive.

On Saturday, we headed to the outlets in Williamsburg. The weather was gorgeous, which made everything even better. My very sweet husband suggested we start at the Coach store. I told him I didn't really need anything, but when we got inside and saw how ridiculous the sales were, I changed my mind. I left with an amazing purse that I never thought I'd ever be able to have, thanks to the sale and the 20 percent off coupon. A very good birthday present!

(I felt like I was in a movie while we were in the store, it was so crazy in there!)

After the outlets, we got dinner and ice cream in Williamsburg. Can you tell I like ice cream?? Through this whole day, my sweet hubby made me feel so spoiled and loved. He is amazing.

On Sunday, finally my actual birthday, Sam made me pancakes before church. I got to wear a new shirt and bring my new purse to church and then we went to Panera for lunch. We spent most of the afternoon walking along the beach, talking and drinking Starbucks. This is seriously my favorite thing in the world to do, so I was very pleased.


We ate dinner at California Pizza Kitchen, one of my most favorite restaurants and watched "Did you hear about the Morgans?", one of my favorite movies.


We ate icecream cake together and ichatted with my family to wrap up the day.


It was wonderful. I couldn't have planned a better birthday for myself. I am so thankful for Sam's thoughtfulness and kindness in making me feel so loved. I'm also thankful for the texts, phone calls and facebook messages from friends and family. My birthday weekend continues into this week as I wait for a gift from Sam to come in the mail (I have absolutely no idea what it could be), and of course my most exciting birthday surprise tomorrow, which is our ultrasound! I am so blessed! I am thankful to God for blessing me with such a sweet husband, a caring family and so many wonderful friends.

Thoughts on staying at home...

I have mixed feelings about being a stay at home wife. Most of me absolutely loves it. I love going to the commissary and not being in such a hurry that I hate everyone around me. I love being able to run errands and clean my apartment during the week so that I can hang out with Sam on the weekends. I love the flexibility I have to spend quality time with friends during the day. I love having time to read books and go for walks. What I do not love is the guilt that hangs over me while I do these things and think about most other people I know who are directly contributing to society while they work outside the home. I do not love having to feel awkward when people ask me what I do. I do not love having my days full of mundane tasks that are only noticeable if they aren't done. (Although, I must say that I actually quite enjoy cleaning, laundry, dishes and grocery shopping. I love to bring order to things and so I am strangely fulfilled by these tasks.) I tend to feel extremely defensive and discouraged if anyone so much as hints at the fact that these things do not matter or that they are not important. I feel that I am owed respect for spending my time completing these tasks, while I could be getting another degree that would allow me to gain respect in the workplace.

After I whine to my patient husband about these things, it suddenly hits me. I chose this. I want this. I want to stay home with my kids as long as we are financially able. I don't want to spend my days in a classroom with other people's kids instead of my own. I don't want to spend my nights working in a hospital, instead of sleeping in bed with my husband. I want to go on field trips and drive the car pool and be a room mother and minister to other moms as I do these things. This is my vision for my life. I want to have the flexibility to possibly do foster care some day or to adopt. (Now I am not saying that mom's who work do not want to do these things or are not able, I just have no desire to juggle a busy career alongside of these things.)

So. I decided that if this is the life I want, I need to stop demanding respect for the things that I do and stop comparing myself to people who work outside the home. I need to get used to telling people that I don't have a job and learn not to be ashamed of that. (Some of these things will be easier when I actually have a baby, but I still feel like that is not necessarily an acceptable reason not to work in our culture.) I am reading a book by written by a midwife, who shares stories about her life. Her stories intrigue me and make me want to pursue a career like that. Then I think about the reality of leaving my children's birthday parties, working on Christmas, and leaving my husband's side in the middle of the night. No matter how much I loved a job, I don't think it would ever be worth that to me.

Maybe some day, when I have older kids, I will go back to school and pursue a professional career. Until then though, if we are financially able, I plan to set aside those dreams in pursuit of my ultimate dream, which is to be a mom, a wife and a friend. I want to be the best mom and wife possible and I want to be able to devote all my time and energy to that goal. It is truly a gift to be able to stay at home. I want to choose to embrace that opportunity, despite the lack of glamor and glory it might bring.

Boy or Girl??

One week from today, we will hopefully be finding out the gender of our baby. I am SO excited! I can't wait to see the baby on the ultrasound again. It is such a precious gift to catch a glimpse of what is going on in there. I'm also excited this week, because I'm pretty sure I'm feeling some movement. I keep second guessing myself, but this is the second week in a row where I've felt a sort of tickley tapping sensation, and it's a different feeling than I've ever felt before. I feel it most in the evenings when I'm sitting still, but even now as I type this I feel a little tap here and there. It's exhilarating every time I feel it. I freeze and just wait and hope to feel it again. I keep thinking that maybe it's just stomach rumblings and then I'll feel really dumb when I actually feel movement, but I've never felt my stomach do that before, so I'm pretty sure I'm right about what I'm feeling. My doctor said I could start feeling it around 17 weeks, and I'm at 18 weeks now, so I'm hoping that's really what I feel. I can't wait until the movements get stronger and more consistent because it makes my day every time I feel something. The fact that there is a baby in there is starting to feel so much more real than it did before. The combination of movement and a baby bump makes this so much more fun! I love being able to see my abdomen grow as my baby does. I feel much more excitement and much less fear during this trimester than I did in my first. I still have a fair share of fearful moments or thoughts, but I don't feel terrified like I did at first. I can't believe how much I already love this little person inside of me, and I think that feeling will just grow stronger after I see him or her on the ultrasound next week and have more information. I can't wait to call the baby by his or her name and be able to refer to it as "he" or "she" instead of "it", "he or she", or just "the baby". I feel so blessed to be able to experience this gift of life.

I am so excited about having a baby. I can't wait to hold this little person and watch he or she grow up. I can't wait to watch Sam as a father loving on his child. I know he will be a great dad and will be adored by our child.

I have had two friends tell me that they think I'm having a girl. I have had a feeling that it's a girl from the beginning, but we'll see if I'm right. Mostly my reasoning for thinking it's a girl is that Sam came off of deployment on a destroyer and something in the radar on there makes girls. It was a couple weeks after he got back though, so I'm not sure how long that impact lasts. As far as old wives tales go, several of those point to a girl as well. The heart rate was 153 at our last appointment and I have totally been craving sweets. On the other hand, there are a fair share of wives tales that point to a boy as well, so who knows. I will be ecstatic about either. Since I've been feeling like it's a girl, I will be excited and surprised if it's a boy. I think it would be pretty neat to have a mini version of Sam running around. I am praying for a healthy baby, whichever the gender. I just hope the baby cooperates next week so we can know!

So what do you think? Do you think we're having a boy or a girl?